I haven't blogged on here in forever but I need to. I can't vent on tumblr about this because one of my friends follows me, so I can't talk about my friends anymore.
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A quick update since it's been so long:
-I came out as gay
-I currently have a boyfriend
-That's... probably the only change

I'm not exactly close with my friends. We've kind of hit a point where we are friends because we are friends. We don't have much in common. I've never called one of them my "best friend" because none of them have ever really stepped into that role. There's more to being a best friend than being the best of the friends. You don't win that title by default.
But Mary (The Mary) has claimed it a while back, and so I let her have it.
And now she's kind of the only friend I talk to anymore.

Besides Whosit, who will occasionally text me pointless stories about the same old shallow topics - What's going on in Teen Wolf/Glee. What happened with Niall from One Direction. Whether she saw her admirer at the Grocery or not. That's pretty much how our conversations go.

I'm reading back through my journals from before, I'm at January 2012 (which isn't much far back journaling-wise. I haven't journaled like I used to in those good ol' days) And I'm talking about losing grip with my friends back then. And here I am now - my hands have slipped.

I don't remember who I assigned names to, so I'm just going to assume-
Dee lives 2 hours away at School. We don't text.
Mary lives 1 hour away at School. We text daily.
Whosit lives at home. We text semi-daily but... And we don't really hang out. But ... there are reasons that I will get into if I remember*
Lisa lives across the country. We don't text. But I wish she lived here so badly. She was our glue. She was what kept us strong and together. Once she left, we all just fell apart.
Amy lives at home but we don't text or hang out, really.

I'm not close anymore. And a lot of that is school taking everyone away. But we don't even text. School is just kind of saying "You guys aren't close. Look how far you guys are. If I separate you guys, there's nothing. No connection."

Dee and Mary and Lisa are the hardest to deal with because I enjoyed their company. We are the Fantastic 4. The original group. It started with us 4 until Whosit joined. And then Amy joined.

My problem with Whosit is that she has no personality. I mean, she does, but... it's all focused on Glee and Teen Wolf and Pretty Little Liars and Niall from 1D.
We aren't close. We have nothing in common.
She is in love with me. She was mad about it when I confessed to liking Mary. She didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Three years later, she still isn't over it and got mad when I came out as gay, because she still isn't over it and thought about not being my friend anymore.

That's our relationship. I don't like her and she's mad at me for it.
Anything I do or say, she takes it the wrong way and we get bitter for the rest of the day because it's a domino effect.
And there are days like today when she wants to hang out alone. Because nobody else can hang out with us. But she's bored and lonely and wants to hang out.
It's Not Worth It.
It's awkward and it's uncomfortable and it's forced.
We go to the mall and we just go to the food court, eat, and maybe stop in one store and go home.
And now I'm crabby because Shopping with 'them' makes me crabby because it's like I'm not even there. They shop at all these girl stores or stores that I don't shop at and I go on my phone and they get mad that I'm on my phone instead of paying attention to them.... while they are shopping at Victoria's Secret...
And shopping alone with Whosit... it's pointless. It makes me crabby for no reason.

And then we go home and we twiddle our thumbs and she pulls out Youtube and we have to watch the same old Youtube videos over and over.
And then an episode of Glee.

Woooo.

I just don't get why she thinks it's a good idea for us to hang out alone when she has stated a few times that she was on the verge of not being my friend anymore because I don't reciprocate. And because I "Keep secrets."
It's just... it doesn't make sense.

It's just ... all she's doing is keeping the bandaid on the skin to rot off.
This isn't a perfect metaphore because she won't let the wound heal. She will not let the wound heal.
But she's keeping me, the bandaid, stuck on her arm. She's afraid to pull it off because it will hurt. So it's just getting brown and grey and gooey on her arm.

(also a problem I have is that... if you call her out on Anything she does.. she will deny it. Whether it's big or minute. "I never said that." Yes you did! 5 minutes ago! She attacks me with bitterness and then acts like that didn't exist and so when I try to project why I'm annoyed, she just acts like I'm attacking her for no reason.
One time we seriously got into an argument over the idea of a One Direction poster. That's how shallow this gets. I got a poster of the 5 of them. Zayn was my favorite. She says "Why don't you just get a poster of Zayn?" "They don't have posters of Zayn" meaning stores... Walmart Target FYE. They don't have Zayn posters to buy. "Yes they do. I Have a Niall poster." she says with attitude. IF They do then why don't I have one? Because they don't sell them! Maybe online. But are we talking online? No. But she keeps giving me this attitude over it. And we're both pissed off at eachother over Stupid Shit and we're supposed to be enjoying our little vacation..
Speaking of Vacation... It's MY fault that she hated her Arizona trip, because when we all went to Arizona, I came out to Whosit and Amy the day before. I already came out to Mary, Dee, and Lisa a few months prior. And so Whosit blames me for her hating Arizona because I ruined her vacation. Because I came out and she still isn't over it.
And I know I sound harsh, but when you know the whole story, enough is enough.)

My problem with Mary is that there isn't really any substance there, either. She claims the Best Friend label, but she's the Best of Friends.
I love her and all. But there's just not enough depth. Nothing hooking onto anything deep down. She's a very Cat person. And that probably doesn't mean a lot to you, but it does to me. I'm a Dog person. I feel Cat people and Dog people have different personalities and different hitches. (Which made it hard for me when my boyfriend told me he's a Cat person.)

Mary's afraid of losing the title. She's afraid that we will grow apart. And I'm sorry about it, but that hook just isn't hooked onto a deep hitch. And my boyfriend is in my life, so he takes a lot of my time, and Mary can feel my attention going elsewhere. And she doesn't like it.

I just really wish college and life didn't take everyone away.
Me, Mary, Dee, and Lisa were a great team. I miss those days. Even if Whosit and Amy are thrown in there. As long as the Fantastic 4 are there, it's good.
But the Fantastic 4 all live in different cities, now.

And I want so badly to move on. I feel like everyone else is. They have their own lives. They have a path they are following.
And here I sit at home. Working that dead end Retail job. Going nowhere fast.

I just want to go somewhere. Be someone.
Dee is doing her own life. She didn't even come home for the Summer because she decided to just live on Campus.
Amy lives here. But she is doing her own life. She's busy with work and her boyfriend and she doesn't have time for us anymore.

Lisa - She's doing her own life, but I'm sure she wishes we were still part of it. I wish she was still a part of it. I wish we were still a part of hers. Honestly it kills me that she's away. She really was our glue. She was our rock. And I think I've told her that.
Mary is doing her own life but she still wants us in it.
Whosit is busy with work and school. She wants us all in her life. But I'm the only one availible. And me and her don't jive well together. In a group we are better. But alone, it's just .... there isn't anything there.

As for Britta and Kate - Britta is in school in England. Kate is in Florida.
I stopped being so close to them, though. I thought we were going to be the new dinamic trio but things didn't work out.

I just hate that I'm at this point time and time again. Feeling like I'm stagnant while everyone else is blurred around me, living life, succeeding.

I mean, I have a boyfriend now at least. But (and I hate that I have to add a but) I'm still that boy who doesn't feel like he belongs with someone. And I like being with him but I feel like I'll always be a bit disconnected. And there comes a point when I get tired of hanging out with the same person. And I'm afraid that point is surfacing.
And his friends mentioned he's the same way. And they said I should be honored that he hasn't gotten sick of me yet.
And I just don't know where this relationship will head with two people who get sick of people.
With me being the kind of person who just doesn't seem to be able to hold any kind of strong grip on anybody.

This ended up being a lot lot lot longer than I hoped. And I don't know if I even vented about what I needed to vent about.
I miss blogging. It takes up so much of my time.
I miss having a grasp of who I am. I stopped blogging and I kind of lost sense. But I'm going back into the Old Me. The Me I was when I blogged. So I might start blogging again. Just not on here.

I've kind of moved on from Songmeanings. I miss it though.

You were the one
Who painted the sun in my sky
You took me to bed
And laid down my head for the first time
You opened up doors
And you danced 'cross the floors
And polished the moon til it shined
You left me blind

When you came around
You turned up the sound of my heart
I could feel it in waves
It echoed in caves of my soul
But you left and you're leaving
Me open and bleeding
Painting the red on the rose
You let me go

I'll wait a while for you
Stay home a night or two
Make it to three, I'll be gone
'Cause I can't keep waiting
And the whiskey I'm chasing
Tells me it's love that's gone wrong

I should just go
Turn out the light
And marry the night

I spent my life in a dream
Wishing I wouldn't be alone
I wait by the phone
Willing the tone to come through
But this room stays silent
And the calm becomes violent
With the ghosts of the memories of you

I couldn't do
Nothing to stop you
You met someone new

But I'll wait a while for you
Stay home a night or two
Make it to three, I'll be gone
'Cause I can't keep waiting
And the whiskey I'm chasing
Tells me it's love that's gone wrong

I should just go
Turn out the light
And marry the night

You were the one
Who painted the sun in my sky

I've been trying too hard
To reach the Northern Star
I've been waiting too long
Singing old songs
And waiting for the night to come around again
To show me where you are

I've been chasing old dreams
I've been losing sleep
Waiting for the phone to ring
A choir to sing
For a light to shine down on me
But every night, it's the same old thing

I lost that picture that you gave me
To put on my wall
When everything was better

'Cause you left for New York in the spring
I must have missed your calls
I haven't heard your voice since you hung up on me

And I know you know
I would come running after you
If you send a line through
If you cared enough to
Call out my name
Maybe we could make it okay

I've been trying too hard
I've been waiting too long
I've been chasing old dreams
Singing old songs
Waiting for a choir to come
And bring back the harmony

Do you still wear that silver ring
Do you still smile when you sing
Still bathe out in the sea
Still taste like grenadine
Do you still think about me

'Cause i know you know
I would come running after you
If you send a line through
If you cared enough to
Call out my name
Maybe we could make it okay
And life wouldn't be so strange

Please, don't burn out this flame

I've grown tired sitting all alone
The air is hot, but this room is cold
And the moon doesn't shine so bright anymore
It's hardly there

You can tell me that you'll be around
But you've been lost and never found
And I'm scared of the haunted sound
Of an off beat heart
Under a dead night sky

I'll be alright
If you came to life
And opened my eyes
Open my heart
Stitch up the scars
Get back in the car
Drive through the night
Put stars in the sky
And I'll be alright

The Midnight Moon has gone to bed
The stars have fallen like my drunken head
I can't remember what you last said
And it hurts like Hellfire

I'd just like to be back by your side
Your fingers in my hair, your hazel eyes
I miss having you to call mine
But that dream died
You've killed the light

I'll be alright
If you came to life
And opened my eyes
Open my heart
Stitch up the scars
Get back in the car
Drive through the night
Put the stars in the sky
And I'll be alright

If you wouldn't mind
Turn back the time
Put your hand in mine
There's things to undo
You ripped my heart in two
Put it back in you

No, I'll be alright
I'll just drive through the night
I'll put the stars in the sky
The glass reflects off my eyes
Now, I'll be alright

I don't know where to begin again
I've lost the life I've come to know
Cut and dried up in a night
But took twenty years to grow

This isn't where I want to be
It's not what I had in mind
I don't know if I can stay
If I'm just wasting all my time

What I ask for isn't crazy
It's what everybody wants out of life
I just want somebody to make me feel like somebody
To be wanted and cared for
Forgive me for wanting something more
Reaching for the moon
Grasping for stars
Hoping to get just a little bit farther than far

I don't know where you are
But I'll find you

Believe me
If I wanted to I could try
Build up a new wall
Under a new sky
Out of this town by nine
And believe me
I want to

I don't know where they go
They talk about forever like it's so easy
A snap of your fingers
But I don't see the faintest sign
Of the life they show
Over the rainbow

That's where I want to go
Over the rainbow

The colored lights
The neon skies
The wonderful life
Waiting for me to turn around
I finally found
Where I want to be
Over the rainbow

I'm tired of living on my own
In a crowded room I still feel alone
This pond's too small for me to grow
I just need to find a way back home

I need to find a place to call my own
With apple trees and spearmint leaves
A sun to warm the summer breeze
And words like please and thank you never take you by surprise
Somewhere, there's gotta be
A place where I don't have to make believe
There's gotta be somewhere
Over the rainbow

That's where I want to be
Over the rainbow
Someday I'll be
Over the rainbow

I don't want to wish that we were younger
Not soon before I feel that hunger
No, Heaven can't wait much longer
Show me that you can be stronger

Lay me down in the grassy hill
Red rover in the icy chill
Blood shivers, but we'll take those pills
Living for the thrill

And it felt like Heaven and Earth with the stars aligned
Take me with the salt, I can make you mine
In the cold winter, I can be your brine
Take me down the highway line

Sweet and sour at the Tastee Freez
Their black pepper always makes you sneeze
Worn denim with your scraped up knees
Baby, throw away your keys

'Cause we're too young to die this hard
Too close to be this far
It doesn't matter where we are
Just stop the car

Grab your Jones and we'll run through town
Heads up when the lights go down
Nobody's gonna make us frown
Just covered in the sound

Of the real life
In the warm night
In a small town, everything's gone right
Like an old dream
On the big screen
We'll be eating cherry pie under cold ice cream

And we're never going home
Just you and I alone

So put on your baby blue jeans
Overlook the hole in the front door screen
I found a spot for you right next to me
On the front porch swing

And we're never going home
Never going home

You came along
On a silver white dove
When you broke in my heart
Dead bolts and alarms
And you made yourself home
Didn’t think you’d be left home alone

Cause I left town
On the backroads, I broke down
I tried to call
And let you know I’ll
Be gone for some time
Don’t worry, I’ll be alright

I know I did wrong
I’m not so strong
My heart doesn’t pin to my sleeve
Could you pick up the phone
I want to come home
I don’t know why you said it to me
I didn’t think you would say that to me

Highway 18
Boulevard king
On the side of the road
Under three feet of snow
It’s not where I wanted to be
It’s not where I wanted
To end up cold blooded
It’s not where I wanted to be

I know I did wrong
I’m not so strong
My heart doesn’t pin to my sleeve
Won’t you pick up the phone
It’s time to come home
I don’t know why you said it to me
I didn’t think you would say that to me

I love you isn’t so easy for me

*I did this one beginning of December, but I guess I forgot to post it here

I wasn’t waiting for copper
To derust and shine
But to show off the green of the beauty unseen in the cellar of a lost open mind

I wasn’t looking for someone
To put his hand in mine
But to write all the words from his favorite verse in the cellar of my lost open mind

And I was calling to you
And you were calling out somebody new
But from the back of the bleachers, hidden behind the teachers
I was locked inside my lost open mind

If you’d lift up those soft tender hands
Strike up the Sophomore Marching band
Play the crunch of the fallen popcorn bag
I’ll watch for the glow stick choker down by the shaved ice stand

And as the crowd starts to clear out
I’ll wait with the stars
Just a second, a minute, five more, that will be it
When I stop wondering where you are

As I walk out the front gates
I’ll drag my feet through the curb
I’ll count the lonely brigade of the glow sticks that fade
Under the sawdust and sugary dirt

I’ll believe when I get home
That you were waiting out there all alone
Somewhere lost in the circus behind the old native merchants
Hoping you’ll be their lost open mind

I’ll return on a Friday
Take the Ferris wheel all the way
At the top I’ll inquire like a bird on a wire
For the map of my lost open mind

I’m still driving home on these roads all alone
And I’m running out of time

Forgive me father for I have sinned
I loved a man
I lost my heart, again
Untangling these tattering ropes
Was a cause just as lost as my hopes

Baby, I knew you were locked up tight
In that tower you call your home
Maybe if you let me take a look inside
You'll find you don't always have to be alone

So tell me that I'm wasting my time
Tell me love isn't blind
That the stars don't shine in the night sky
Tell me nothing is real
I don't feel what I feel
If that helps you deal with a change in life

Heaven forbid somebody loves you
Hell, I'd stop it if I could
Love is a rebel child
It does just what it wants to
Not what it should

I'll hold onto my heart to keep it warm
I'd drop it if I knew what was good
But in case you do something wild
I've reserved that space in my arms
Though it might put you in danger
It means don't be a stranger
If you misunderstood

So tell me that I'm wasting my time
Tell me love isn't blind
That the stars don't shine in the night sky
Tell me nothing is real
I don't feel what I feel
Well, I'm a thief, and I'll steal your sunken heart tonight

So tell me that I'm wasting my time
Tell me love isn't blind
Tell me stars don't shine

Forgive me father for I have sinned
I loved a man
I lost my heart, again
And if you look out on that rocky shore
You'll see the tallest tower, nevermore 

Mary
Sing me your favorite country song
Like flowers wilting over to the dawn
We'll lift our arms
And show them we were always meant for one
Or two
So sing it to the dark side of the moon
No Johnny wasn't always holding June
They'll see it soon

Mary
Tell me you won't ever take his hand
And fall down the rabbit hole to Wonderland
M1 Garand
Would take us to the quick unpleasant end
For me
So tell him you have somewhere else to be
Erase the trace of infidelity
And treachery

Mary
Oh, Mary
Your garden's overgrown with vagrant vines
All gadabout and softly intertwined
Mary
Oh, Mary
Tend to this green before the snow
Reap what your heart forgot to sow
Mary

Oh, Mary
What happened to those drunken Irish eyes
That knew more kindly to the silver skies
You let them die
Don't let me see those lips whisper goodbye
Tonight
Look for me out in the Northern Lights
Cut the ties that didn't fit quite right
Sweet Goonight

Mary