Extremely Long and Incredibly Post

  • I haven't blogged on here in forever but I need to. I can't vent on tumblr about this because one of my friends follows me, so I can't talk about my friends anymore.
    -----------
    A quick update since it's been so long:
    -I came out as gay
    -I currently have a boyfriend
    -That's... probably the only change

    I'm not exactly close with my friends. We've kind of hit a point where we are friends because we are friends. We don't have much in common. I've never called one of them my "best friend" because none of them have ever really stepped into that role. There's more to being a best friend than being the best of the friends. You don't win that title by default.
    But Mary (The Mary) has claimed it a while back, and so I let her have it.
    And now she's kind of the only friend I talk to anymore.

    Besides Whosit, who will occasionally text me pointless stories about the same old shallow topics - What's going on in Teen Wolf/Glee. What happened with Niall from One Direction. Whether she saw her admirer at the Grocery or not. That's pretty much how our conversations go.

    I'm reading back through my journals from before, I'm at January 2012 (which isn't much far back journaling-wise. I haven't journaled like I used to in those good ol' days) And I'm talking about losing grip with my friends back then. And here I am now - my hands have slipped.

    I don't remember who I assigned names to, so I'm just going to assume-
    Dee lives 2 hours away at School. We don't text.
    Mary lives 1 hour away at School. We text daily.
    Whosit lives at home. We text semi-daily but... And we don't really hang out. But ... there are reasons that I will get into if I remember*
    Lisa lives across the country. We don't text. But I wish she lived here so badly. She was our glue. She was what kept us strong and together. Once she left, we all just fell apart.
    Amy lives at home but we don't text or hang out, really.

    I'm not close anymore. And a lot of that is school taking everyone away. But we don't even text. School is just kind of saying "You guys aren't close. Look how far you guys are. If I separate you guys, there's nothing. No connection."

    Dee and Mary and Lisa are the hardest to deal with because I enjoyed their company. We are the Fantastic 4. The original group. It started with us 4 until Whosit joined. And then Amy joined.

    My problem with Whosit is that she has no personality. I mean, she does, but... it's all focused on Glee and Teen Wolf and Pretty Little Liars and Niall from 1D.
    We aren't close. We have nothing in common.
    She is in love with me. She was mad about it when I confessed to liking Mary. She didn't want to be my friend anymore.
    Three years later, she still isn't over it and got mad when I came out as gay, because she still isn't over it and thought about not being my friend anymore.

    That's our relationship. I don't like her and she's mad at me for it.
    Anything I do or say, she takes it the wrong way and we get bitter for the rest of the day because it's a domino effect.
    And there are days like today when she wants to hang out alone. Because nobody else can hang out with us. But she's bored and lonely and wants to hang out.
    It's Not Worth It.
    It's awkward and it's uncomfortable and it's forced.
    We go to the mall and we just go to the food court, eat, and maybe stop in one store and go home.
    And now I'm crabby because Shopping with 'them' makes me crabby because it's like I'm not even there. They shop at all these girl stores or stores that I don't shop at and I go on my phone and they get mad that I'm on my phone instead of paying attention to them.... while they are shopping at Victoria's Secret...
    And shopping alone with Whosit... it's pointless. It makes me crabby for no reason.

    And then we go home and we twiddle our thumbs and she pulls out Youtube and we have to watch the same old Youtube videos over and over.
    And then an episode of Glee.

    Woooo.

    I just don't get why she thinks it's a good idea for us to hang out alone when she has stated a few times that she was on the verge of not being my friend anymore because I don't reciprocate. And because I "Keep secrets."
    It's just... it doesn't make sense.

    It's just ... all she's doing is keeping the bandaid on the skin to rot off.
    This isn't a perfect metaphore because she won't let the wound heal. She will not let the wound heal.
    But she's keeping me, the bandaid, stuck on her arm. She's afraid to pull it off because it will hurt. So it's just getting brown and grey and gooey on her arm.

    (also a problem I have is that... if you call her out on Anything she does.. she will deny it. Whether it's big or minute. "I never said that." Yes you did! 5 minutes ago! She attacks me with bitterness and then acts like that didn't exist and so when I try to project why I'm annoyed, she just acts like I'm attacking her for no reason.
    One time we seriously got into an argument over the idea of a One Direction poster. That's how shallow this gets. I got a poster of the 5 of them. Zayn was my favorite. She says "Why don't you just get a poster of Zayn?" "They don't have posters of Zayn" meaning stores... Walmart Target FYE. They don't have Zayn posters to buy. "Yes they do. I Have a Niall poster." she says with attitude. IF They do then why don't I have one? Because they don't sell them! Maybe online. But are we talking online? No. But she keeps giving me this attitude over it. And we're both pissed off at eachother over Stupid Shit and we're supposed to be enjoying our little vacation..
    Speaking of Vacation... It's MY fault that she hated her Arizona trip, because when we all went to Arizona, I came out to Whosit and Amy the day before. I already came out to Mary, Dee, and Lisa a few months prior. And so Whosit blames me for her hating Arizona because I ruined her vacation. Because I came out and she still isn't over it.
    And I know I sound harsh, but when you know the whole story, enough is enough.)

    My problem with Mary is that there isn't really any substance there, either. She claims the Best Friend label, but she's the Best of Friends.
    I love her and all. But there's just not enough depth. Nothing hooking onto anything deep down. She's a very Cat person. And that probably doesn't mean a lot to you, but it does to me. I'm a Dog person. I feel Cat people and Dog people have different personalities and different hitches. (Which made it hard for me when my boyfriend told me he's a Cat person.)

    Mary's afraid of losing the title. She's afraid that we will grow apart. And I'm sorry about it, but that hook just isn't hooked onto a deep hitch. And my boyfriend is in my life, so he takes a lot of my time, and Mary can feel my attention going elsewhere. And she doesn't like it.

    I just really wish college and life didn't take everyone away.
    Me, Mary, Dee, and Lisa were a great team. I miss those days. Even if Whosit and Amy are thrown in there. As long as the Fantastic 4 are there, it's good.
    But the Fantastic 4 all live in different cities, now.

    And I want so badly to move on. I feel like everyone else is. They have their own lives. They have a path they are following.
    And here I sit at home. Working that dead end Retail job. Going nowhere fast.

    I just want to go somewhere. Be someone.
    Dee is doing her own life. She didn't even come home for the Summer because she decided to just live on Campus.
    Amy lives here. But she is doing her own life. She's busy with work and her boyfriend and she doesn't have time for us anymore.

    Lisa - She's doing her own life, but I'm sure she wishes we were still part of it. I wish she was still a part of it. I wish we were still a part of hers. Honestly it kills me that she's away. She really was our glue. She was our rock. And I think I've told her that.
    Mary is doing her own life but she still wants us in it.
    Whosit is busy with work and school. She wants us all in her life. But I'm the only one availible. And me and her don't jive well together. In a group we are better. But alone, it's just .... there isn't anything there.

    As for Britta and Kate - Britta is in school in England. Kate is in Florida.
    I stopped being so close to them, though. I thought we were going to be the new dinamic trio but things didn't work out.

    I just hate that I'm at this point time and time again. Feeling like I'm stagnant while everyone else is blurred around me, living life, succeeding.

    I mean, I have a boyfriend now at least. But (and I hate that I have to add a but) I'm still that boy who doesn't feel like he belongs with someone. And I like being with him but I feel like I'll always be a bit disconnected. And there comes a point when I get tired of hanging out with the same person. And I'm afraid that point is surfacing.
    And his friends mentioned he's the same way. And they said I should be honored that he hasn't gotten sick of me yet.
    And I just don't know where this relationship will head with two people who get sick of people.
    With me being the kind of person who just doesn't seem to be able to hold any kind of strong grip on anybody.

    This ended up being a lot lot lot longer than I hoped. And I don't know if I even vented about what I needed to vent about.
    I miss blogging. It takes up so much of my time.
    I miss having a grasp of who I am. I stopped blogging and I kind of lost sense. But I'm going back into the Old Me. The Me I was when I blogged. So I might start blogging again. Just not on here.

    I've kind of moved on from Songmeanings. I miss it though.

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1 Comment

  • You'll prob. never even read this and even if you do you'll prob. be like stupid kid doesn't know what she's talking bout, but I just wanted to say that someone read that and they understood. I'm only a sophomore in high school but my friends are all fighting right now and it might break up the group. It sucks. Last year I was really lonely and depressed, this year I found a place I fit in. Now it might go away. Anyways I feel you.
    FrTHMMRS21on November 09, 2013   Link

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