I've been texting Britta a lot, lately. I've tried texting her before, but she never really seemed like she liked to text. But now she is . . . Well, it's 2 AM and I'm up texting her. She only seems to text at night. It's not like I need to sleep, or anything. It's nice, though. Full of stuff like "We're the ultimate team." "Yeah, we finish each other's . . . " "Pizza." And "It's scary how much I see myself in Britta when I watch Community." (See, I did good when I nicknamed her.) And "I refuse to donate blood. Free cookie? I'd rather just buy one." "Let's put band-aids on our arms, find a blood truck, and tell them we're faint." Full of pop-culture references. Random stuff. It's fun. But it's also keeping me awake. I can't really afford that. Aurevoir

I went bowling last night with a few people from work (A total of 8 of us.) I don't know what it is about the loud, germ-ridden place that makes life so great. I love bowling. I don't understand why people hate it. You go, you hang out, and you've got a little competition to give you something to do so you're not just sitting and talking. Spices it up. And even if you suck completely, it's still fun. People say they hate bowling because they suck at it. But then you see them go up there, and they just have fun. They enjoy themselves. Because when you bowl with friends, it doesn't matter. Everyone is there to have a good time. It probably doesn't mean much to you, but I laugh out loud when I bowl. I don't often laugh out loud. I chuckle, but I don't really Laugh. But it's different at a bowling alley. I really enjoy myself. Plus, bowling alleys are the Kings of French Fries. auRevoir

So, I'm reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson right now. I'm only to the 5th chapter. It's taking a long time to read this. Not that I'm surprised, it takes me a long time to read anything, but this one just seems extra long. I keep getting distracted, either with my brain or with doing research on stuff they talk about in the book. Anyways, I like this book for one reason (not that there's only one reason, it's just a figure of speech) That reason is that there are two main characters. I'm one of those people that seems to always relate to the main character. Well, in this case, that's impossible, because there are two, and they are complete opposites. Yes, I relate a hell of a lot to Will Grayson. But I don't really relate at all to Will Grayson. (There are two Will Graysons. One is this tall, skinny kid who doesn't talk much, and doesn't lust over girls, and doesn't want to get in a relationship, and is nice and all, but he just doesn't like to connect, and has good taste in music. The other Will Grayson is this depressed kid who is rude to everyone and always says crude things and has no respect for anything, really, and yeah, you get the point.) Every other chapter, they swap which Will Grayson they are talking about. I like reading the Odd numbers. I dislike reading the even numbers. I bought Mary "Looking For Alaska" for her birthday. She told me Pudge reminds her of me. There's not really a point to that. I just thought I'd tell you. I don't know what else to say. I haven't done anything but work since the last time I talked to you. Just worked, read Will Grayson, and started watching Sherlock. I think that's my plans for the rest of the week, even. Through the weekend. And well into the next week. I used to hate always doing something. I used to stay at home as much as I could. But what's the point in having new friends if you don't hang out with them? auRevoir

I finished Wallflower. The part that I started crying about, the part that didn't happen yet, never happened. I made it up. I cried for nothing and I feel stupid because of it. But I feel better, too, because I didn't want it to happen. I'm not going to tell you what I thought was going to happen. I'm sure you could figure it out on your own. Aurevoir. This is the last time, tonight. I think.

I want to make a correction. When I was talking about being sad relating to when I'm reading a book, that wasn't in High School. When I was sad in High School, that was chemical imbalances. That was adolescence. That was me being stupid. For the most part. I didn't start reading until after I graduated. I hated reading before then, besides "The Catcher in the Rye" and "The Haunting of Alaizabel Cray." Senior year, when my shell cracked, I started to discover myself. I started creating myself. So mid-Senior Year and on, my sadness was more sentimental. Aurevoir

I'm almost done reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I have about 20 pages left. I'm taking a break right now, because I don't want to read it anymore. I think something happened, and it made me cry. I don't want it to happen. I knew from the start. I've been thinking about High School. Every time I'm driving with a friend from High School, and we pass it, we (whoever it is) speak out at the same time. She'll say "I do not miss that place!" and I will say "I miss it." Especially my Senior year. That's when I was most self-aware. That's when my shell started to really break open. I had great classes. I had fun teachers. I had friends. Not outside-of-school friends. But I'd have somebody in every class who I could goof around with. Some memories of certain classes have a glow. Because I really felt great in those classes. Geology, in particular. I think that one glows the most. It was the easiest class of the year. We didn't get much work. And most of the in-class work was working with partners so everyone goofed off. I was friends with the people around me, none of which were Seniors. I had this crush on this Sophomore girl. I made cookies for a project, they had a lot of vanilla in them, so when I think of this class, and I feel the glow, I can almost smell and taste vanilla. I just miss High School. It was safe. It was planned. It was manditory. It wasn't like now, where you have to choose everything you do. I'm not even in college, because I am completely on my own. I can't do it. In High School, things are laid out for you. In general, I was pretty happy in High School. At least Senior year. I was sad a lot. But somehow that doesn't matter, because I was still happy about it. I realised something about my being sad. I always have a few days or a week of an overall sad feeling. I think these all correlate to the times when I was reading a book. I always become sad when I read. I become aware of my emotions. I think a lot more. It's as if I take off my mask to read a book. And when I get to the end of the book, I become even more sad. Then I finish the book, I mourn, and a day or two later, I'm cleaned, and my mask is put back on. I like this sad feeling. It's just . . . it's very refreshing. It makes me feel like someone from a book or an indie film. I'm not a robot, anymore. I'm me. Aurevoir

I’m inflamed with desire For this spread from this brown jar Don’t look so anxious, it’ll all be mine It’s just a question of time Nutella I’m insanely obsessed And I simply will not rest I’ll spread it all up on these Kaiser buns And I won’t stop until I’m done Nutella And this heart that eats it frozen Has been swollen to twice it’s natural size I’ve gained 6 pounds since I laid eyes on her Nutella I’m in love with this swirl It’s affected my whole world At any moment it is inside me And now I’ve gone completely Nutella I will eat by the fist fulls ‘Cause I just can’t resist You may have bought it, but it’s all mine now Someway, somehow, I’ll snatch your Nutella Nutella Nutella Original Song: Rubella by Smoking Popes

It's 3:15 AM right now. I stayed up so I could read. I've been reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I want Coffee Shop friends. Friends who will sit and listen to a record. And when I say record, I mean a real record. Vinyl. Friends who will have conversations about art and music. Friends who express their feelings, and understand your own, and don't judge you in any way because they feel them, too. With my new friends, I'm as close as I've ever been. We have books. Kate introduced me to Chinese. I have a feeling she'll be the one to introduce me to coffee. I want to drink coffee. (I know, it's odd, I've never had coffee before.) I just . . . I don't want to always have to smile and laugh around people. Emotion is good. But not when that's all people do. Some people only talk about themselves. Some people breathe drama. And that's not the kind of person I want to talk to. I'm forced to work with some of those people. I was asked out by one of those people. I was "thanked" and congratulated for not saying yes. I never said no, either. I just avoided it. I can't say no to people. So, I just spoke empty words until the whole topic drifted off. Anyways, I'd like some people who are very Indie. Not Hipster, I feel like Hipsters try too hard. Indie. In my mind, Indie is the natural version of being a Hipster. True to yourself, you like what you like, you like obscurities, but you don't flaunt it. You *are* it. Aurevoir

I love going to the cinema. I just hate when that's the only thing no the agenda. When I hang out with friends, I don't only want to go see a movie. Going to the movies is the most impersonal thing there is. It wouldn't make a difference if I was sandwiched between Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. (Alright, there'd probably be a bit of a difference, since Tina and Amy would be talking over me to eachother.) But my point is, you don't talk to people during a movie. You don't look at them. You sit in a blacked out room watching a movie. It's fun to do when that's only a small portion of the day. "Ok, we'll hang out for a bit, then carpool to the movies, and then go to IHOP." Alright, that's better. But "Ok, we'll meet at the movies and then I guess we'll all just drive ourselves home." No. It's pointless. It's a waste of an outfit. It's a waste of gas. Especially, now, that any movie you go see is most likely going to be a remastered 3D version of a movie you've seen 142 times. Which also costs an extra dollar or two than the new 3D movie that you haven't seen yet. aurevoir

Never tell yourself that you think life is starting to be genuinely happy. You just end up creating expectations and when those expectations aren't met, you can't help but sulk in sorrow. Just be happy. Don't think about what your emotion is. There's no need. Enjoy the happiness, because it comes in waves. Never forget that. There are high tides and low tides. Build your home accordingly. ---------- Besides that, I miss some of you. There were a few, one in particular, who I really felt like I could connect with. Every word read was as if it was my own. It was a strange feeling. It's been so long. auRevoir