You know what sucks? Meeting the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. But not wanting to spend the rest of your life with her. I don't think anyone will be able to make me feel like she does. Nobody will ever be able to be as cute with me as she can. No one will ever be the same as her. But my brain won't let me. Why? Because. That's it. Just because. Because my brain is a contradiction. It doesn't want me to be with her because it doesn't want to be close to anyone. But you know what? It really does. It really does. But she has this little thing about her that is my biggest pet peeve, and I'd go insane on her. I really would. And I'd quickly ruin it. And if I don't ruin it over that, I'd ruin it over something else. I'm going to be forever alone because my mind doesn't want to settle. But it doesn't want perfect either, because you can't let go of perfection, and going out ultimately means letting go. Friendship can last forever.

A shudder in the wind Your velvet hand paints my purple skin That’s when you shake the blanket from the dust Steal away with polished lust Warning: I may never breathe again Tearing down these graffiti walls Writing names on dirty bathroom stalls We’ll keep it short and sweet, simple addition Just two kids out on a mission Lonely life is more than half as small So open up your hands Take my list of plans I know it’s not much to see Just a name of familiarity But that’s all that I need A field of unkempt grass Clouds that look like trains in the forecast See it? The wheels, the engine, the cloud of smoke Wait, it turned into a sail boat Renovations hide our tarnished past Let the rain fall on us from the sky Steel roof drumming us a lullaby 1, 2, 3 miles away, and getting nearer Though the sky’s never been clearer See the fox, see the runaway bride So open up the door Go on and dance some more Live it up, this life-like dream Just a cup of refined reveries And that’s all we need A shudder in the wind Your velvet hand paints my purple skin

I know I probably shouldn't say this, hate me if you will, but I made a tumblr for my lyrics and stuff. takenEloise.tumblr.com That way I have somewhere to put them permanently besides Myspace Ghetto. I won't whore out my personal one. ============================ I want a new job. Or at least a new coworker. She get kind of b*tchy. And we're (just my department) kind of in a shit-hole right now. I guess corporate is on our ass because we have so much merchandise in the back, and not on the shelves. But that's not our fucking problem, lady. Blame the big system for that, they're the ones who keep sending us this crap that we have no room for.
She at least for the most part assumes that I'm doing the right thing, and it's the other kids who are doing bad. Or at least she acts like that to my face. == But I could really use some change. A happier environment. I guess I can't get that though. I at least don't have a terrible environment. For the most part, people are nice and enjoyable. Idk. I'm just bored. Aurevoir.

I am one happy kid right now. Not overall, I mean, I'm still the same blah-ness on life. But there's a happiness inside of me that overpowers that in these little spurts. You know why? I went to the mall yesterday, and went into F.Y.E. I look for "Smoking Popes" Nope.. I look for "The Weakerthans" . . . Holy Fucking Shit, They have it! The Weakerthans. On their own little divider. 3 CDs. Guess who bought them? I did. I never thought I'd be able to find them in stores. But I did. And I now own 3 of their CDs. I still can't really believe that I own them. And I get happy when I think about how it's real. And I read the lyrics booklet and I'm happy because the lyrics are so damn amazing and I own them. Left and Leaving. Fallow. Reunion Tour. Mine. ================================== ================================== And.. Whosits is really annoying. We're all trying to hang out tonight, and I'm texting her and she's like "Yeah, I'm hanging out with Amy right now. And she is sick and doesn't want to go tonight, and I don't want to go either." Me: "Oh, why don't you want to go" Her: "Well, I just hung out with Amy.." Well, first of all, that's one person, in the morning, and we're hanging out Tonight, like, 5 hours from now. All of us. As a group. We're fun, and that's pretty retarded that you don't want to hang out with us because you and Amy already hung out without us. She always does stupid things like that. She has weird, annoying things about her that annoy me. And the other day, we're all hanging out watching Kill Bill Vol. 1 + 2. We don't finish it until like, 12:30 AM. I fell asleep on it because it was boring and late. And so we all get up to leave... wait, no... I get up to leave because everyone's sleeping over. Well, Whosit gets up and gets her shoes on and acts like I'm giving her a ride. She never asked if I could give her a ride. She just assumed. I always give her a ride. Always. It's always my responsibility to give her a ride. And the fact that she basically just Assumes that I'm driving her home? I'm too tired to even drive myself home. I'm standing there thinking "God, I don't want to drive home, I'm so tired, this is such a pain." And then now I have to drive Her home too? She eventually asked like "Is it ok if you take me home?" But it took her a while. This should've been an up-front thing. Like, from the beginning. Not a While-we're-walking-out-the-door thing. I'm sorry. She just kind of gets under my skin. And it has nothing to do with the Mary situation. Mary agrees though, that she says the wrong things and all. So I'm not just being ridiculous.

I'm giving up soda for a week. Or, well, I'm going to at least cut back the best that I can. I gotta go buy some Red Tea or something so that I have something to drink that I like that isn't caffeinated. I had about 4 mini-anxiety attacks last night. (Idk if I've ever had a full-blown anxiety attack, or if I just don't get them as severe as others. But they never seem to last Too long, and don't seem as dramatic, so I'll call them mini.) Couldn't get to sleep at all even though I had to wake up early. I'm blaming Mountain Dew, since I don't usually drink it, but drank a lot of it yesterday. But it's probably also due to it being that time of the month. (I don't know if it comes monthly, or more. It feels like more. But it's at least once-a-month.) I'm on day 3 of the sad-mood period. Also, I'm picking up 'It's Kind Of A Funny Story' again to try to finish it, finally, and so that's not helping.

So, Girl (the girl who asked me out. She doesn't get a name yet.) hasn't made any contact with me since that day/night she asked me out a week ago. I'm almost offended. I mean, obviously I'm not good enough to make an effort. But that's my point. I'm obviously not that special to her. She obviously can give up pretty damn easily. If I'm just another face that doesn't mean that much to you, then why ask me out? Or maybe she just sensed that I wasn't into her? I think maybe I take dating a little too seriously, though. Because to me, if you aren't my possible lifelong match, then you aren't anything. To me, you don't date to get to know someone. You date because you already know someone and have hit it off. Actually, to me, dating doesn't exist. You skip that step, because it kind of just happens on its own. Then all the sudden, you're comfortable together and watching cheesy movies. It's just instant comfort. But maybe I'm wrong to think that a relationship can just be simple and sweet and natural.

So, I find out today that Mary said that one day when she was drunk: "Fat people should be with fat people. Skinny people should be with skinny people." And that is my shallow reason that I was saying for that one girl not being my type. Because I go by that rule. Then there's the other reasons of the no spark and no story. Too abrupt. I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm so sick of it. I need a break. It's all the same. I just want to enjoy my life. And I'm not enjoying it. Friggen Death Eater of a job. I guess there isn't really any job out there that is actually fun. But I'd at least like to have a life outside of it, too.

I'm going to have to write myself a script and study it so that I have something to say to let this girl down easy. Because this is hard for me. Usually girls just ask me out over facebook, and that I can do. But in person . . it's too personal. And in person, this is how it works. Her: We should go get coffee sometime. My mind: No. Bad idea. You know this. You don't want this. Just say no. My mouth: Yeah, that'd be good. My mind: What the hell, man? ====================================== And I think I just unintentionally got another girl to like me. Idk. But I was talking to her today, for the first time. She's a coworker, and we both took our lunch at the same time. (She gets really excited about everything, idk if that has anything to do with this story or not.) But yeah, someone said Taco Bell, and she was like "OH GOD I want some Taco Bell!" And then something about how we're on our 30 minutes and should get Taco Bell... but we only had like 13 minutes left. Idk if it was like a "We should do this together to start doing things together" or a "We should do this together because we're both here and both like Taco Bell, but I mean, C'mon, who doesn't love Taco Bell" There was more, but it wasn't as important. ===================== I don't really know what else. I'm hanging out with Amy tomorrow. She's going to ask me about Girl. I don't want this conversation. Specially in front of Mary. Aurevoir

So. . . I'm at work... there's like, 30 minutes before we close, and I'm in a bit of a rush trying to finish what I needed to finish before I leave. And I hear what sounded like "Found him!" I look up and just see a girl looking over my way, but I figure she's just talking about a shirt or something. And then I go in the aisle and see one of my friends. Let's call her Amy. I've named her before but I forget. She is the one who I originally spilled to about Mary. And then the girl who said "Found Him" came up behind her. Oh, I know you, I met you for a second when I picked Amy up from work the other day. She hands over a milkshake from McDonalds. "Here's a gift.." "Oh, thanks!" I say to Amy. Then we talk for a few minutes, and then the girl says "Oh, the milkshake is from me, actually." "Oh *?* Thanks" "Yeah. So . . we should go get coffee sometime." "*fuck* Coffee?" "I don't drink it either, I just thought it's a quiet place." "Oh yeah, I've never had coffee. But . . yeah . . we should do that." She seems like a nice girl and all, but . . . not my type. Shallow reasons. I'm really not a relationship person. I don't actually want a girlfriend. And if I were to have one, she has to be perfect. I'm not looking for some girl, I'm looking for my Cinderella. My Sleeping Beauty. My Giselle. Not someone who I've only seen once, only have said "Yeah, I'm her best friend." after talking like a retard to Amy. Not someone who asks me out over that. But someone who you don't ask out, and all the sudden... Oop, you're apparently a couple, now. SGJhsdigbsibfdihgbipuar. I don't know what to do. She's not even someone I can just shrug off, because she's Amy's friend, and coworker, and Amy obviously talked her into asking me out, because she was saying that Amy said certain things about me. SDUvsubngosuenso. I hate being put in these situations. And it's not even like I have time for a girlfriend. I Work so much. And I almost Always work nights. And I sleep in until 11. So I wake up and have to get ready right away, basically. I have no time. I have no will.

So . . . I think I'm liking Mary again. Not that I ever really stopped. But it's toying with me more. But it's not like I'd do anything different now than I would have a year ago. And it's not like she doesn't still have that boyfriend. =================== They all partied last night. All of them. Including Mary, who is the innocent innocent of innocentsville. I can't imagine her drunk. But I had to work. So while they were having a good time (And I heard stories and they had a good time), I was putting shoes on shelves. Lame. I'm mad I missed it. They wanna do it again though. Mary says it would have been more fun if I were there. But even if I were there, I'd still have to drive myself home, so that proposes a problem. Lame. Idk. I'm just tired of everyone having fun while I'm withering away at work all the time.