'I wanna say i love you sooo bad but i know i can't. I may never even say it, because i can't. It doesn't stop me from wanting to though. I really am so sorry for feeling like i do. I just wish you'd have told me why so much sooner. It could've saved all this. You probably think i'm overreacting and being all dramatic and saying things i don't know about but i wouldn't lie about how i feel. You know i couldn't lie to you. But i feel now i can't even talk to you about this properly because of the position i'm in. There's so much i wanna say but i can't do it, and i won't. Well, until you get it out of me like you always seem to :) Forgive my "moment" i'm having, you know i'm not like this, but i just wanna say how special and awesome you are and how i lucky i am to have you as my friend. Stay safe hun :') Anyways...... I have an annoying question i must ask before my scheduled sob till i'm asleep for the third night running: What or who the fuck is 'Little' Wayne? To me, he is Lil'. Yes before you insult me, i know lil is little. But i don't know why us Brits call Jason Derulo "Derillo". Is he a member of the armadillo family or something?! That's why i'm so ticked off with 'Little'. If it's not what it says it is, it's not it!!! Get it!!!!! LIL' Wayne. Thank you. Goodnight.

I just read my last entry again. I sound rather ladylike huh? Ah heck, i've always had that problem. Never mind. It's just quiet right now. Just as the silence waits to be broken, this morning is sure to explode... I'm tired lol. I really should nap but if i do i'm worried i won't sleep later. Although i wake up like 4 times during the night. I think i sub-consciously -- or whatever the word is -- wake myself up so i don't sleep over. I love waking up in the morning and i love a little natter with my official talk to-er for an hour or so .< but i'm getting round to eating it earlier, coz then i won't get worried about not having my dinner. I'm getting there! I haven't put any lyrics here lately. Nothing i have has summed up how i've felt. But i should have something soon! Exciting times XD

Finally had my haircut today! Yaaaay. I'm happy with it. In a couple of weeks i'm going shopping with mum to find something nice to wear for what she's planning for my birthday. Yikes. I probably look like i should be clothes-sensible but i'm just a crappy tatty jeans and trainers gal :) should be interesting. Even though she told me, whatever it is we're doing, is closed on my birthday so we'll be doing it the day after. Fair enough i guess lol. I've never had anything planned for my birthday before so i'm a little excited but more scared than anything, i know what my mother's like! As long as wherever it is we go there are no snobby a-holes around. Can't bear them. The ones that think their shit doesn't stink anyway. I'll cause a stir, i don't mind. Just seeing their faces make my day haha. Sometimes when i get glared at by stuck-up she-males i let out a loud burp lol. Their faces!!! Makes my day :D I have nothing against any women, just the women here i don't like, is all. It's like i shouldn't even be on the planet sometimes, the way they look at me. Oh well, can't please everyone! Haha.

I don't seem to be good at anything anymore. I can't even play the piano like i used to. I'm like the walking dead, i just can't do anything. I can't even fall in love right... You know, only two people in my life know how i feel about everything. And they're so far away. The irony. Hah. I try and be myself more when i talk to them. They umderstand why i am the way i am. No one else would. No one here anyway. People have told and still tell me i'm pretty, i'm beautiful and i'll break a lot of hearts. But it's not true. I'm not pretty, and the only heart that breaks is mine. From one girl to another, how would it feel if you were only asked out by guys in their 40s and 50s? I almost dated a 30-year-old once, but it was stopped by my mum and her cousin. That's the problem when you look older than you are. It all really started kicking off when i was about 13. Even my mate i'm sure was trying to get to me before he realised (remembered lol) i was only 15 at the time. It's so easy for him to tell me how i should feel, living his life of luxury. I have no one who feels the same way i do. I just hope something changes in my life soon. I'd give anything for things to be different...

:'(

I haven't cried as much as i did yesterday in such a long time. Just a very bad day. Stupid weather too. I completely lost all signal at least twice. Even now it's barely hanging on! It was coz i hadn't eaten that she wasn't talking to me. But gimme a break, i hadn't slept and it's the first day since i started eating i fell back. I'm still getting there, i can't magically work it all out. And then i thought my sleeping patterns were ruined coz i got to bed two hours later! I just prayed i would wake up at my usual time and thankfully i did! Defo early bed today :D The only nice thing that did happen yesterday. It was my second cousin's birthday and she came round with her son, my third cousin that i've heard so much about but never seen. He's so intelligent and cool. Much more talkative than my other cousins at first. Though i was constantly in and out the room trying to have a conversation, as there was no room for my phone to charge in the livingroom, and apparently he kept looking round to see where i was. I'm shy! I can't help it. I do have a really cool cousin though :p

My damn mother's being all weird. Last thing she said to me this morning was to tell her what's wrong when she got back from shopping. Well i wasn't gonna tell her anyway but she didn't know that at the time. She gets back, pulls some damn ignorant face when i speak to her and stormed off. Not a word since. I don't need this! I have my own problems! There'll probably be an argument before bed. See what happens.

Three hours and counting. I can't seem to stop crying. I don't know what else to do right now. I hurt... I've hardly slept. I've hardly eaten and i don't plan too either. If i eat i'll feel so much worse. Maybe tomorrow i'll be ok... I hope.

Like daggers to my brain... Grrrr.

Bleurch!!! I just felt like saying that haha. I wanted to write something before bed but i don't really know what to say. Though this is helping me feel a little better, i think :) It's a little strange sharing my feelings for all to see. But it makes me feel good that anyone who does see it at least knows what i'm going through. No one really knows what i go through -- excluding my official talk to-er -- and i do hold back sometimes coz i don't wanna sound too insane lol. But i do feel better about it :) ok going now. Night x