OMGGGGGGG!!! What has been going on!!! A crazy date, lots of cutting, a dodgy haircut, lots and lots of love... whoo, i need a breather. Ok from the beginning. I have no idea where i left off and i'm not bothered enough to read back. So i went out again with K -- let's call the guy K -- and i was going out with the intentions of being completely honest and telling him that we're just friends... uhm... so we were driving and then we pull up at this flat... and it just so happened to be his? hehe. He wandered off somewhere and i'm sitting in his car staring at his door thinking "this is gonna be the biggest no of my life" and it just so happened to be that! I was good. i behaved. I did! Though we did kinda make out on his sofa... The next day i was out shopping with mum before i was going round to my godmother's to help the boys with the homework. Now, I'd gotten home the night before after seeing K and i looked in the mirror and i saw these weird marks on my neck. Oh well, i thought. Not actually thinking of what they could be. Considering i've never even been kissed before... i should have put two and two together really. And mum sorta spotted the hickie... she was pretty pissed. And is still pissed. And this is about a month ago? Maybe more? But nothing else happened. And i'm not stupid enough to let it get that far. As of now, K and i are kinda on-off. We haven't seen each other since. I tried to end it and say i couldn't see him anymore, coz of mum. But he still texts me and still wants to see me. So that didn't work :| We're sort of trying to see each other again but we're both just too busy. See what happens there... I still have absolutely no feelings whatsoever with the guy. But i can get away with it coz i'm twice as young as he is ;) So what else was i talking about? Oh yeah... the one person in this world that i do love with all my heart... he's been pretty down of late so i'm trying to be the best friend i can be and be there for him. Without going into any details... when he told me, i was really shocked. But not surprised. I knew as soon as i saw her i didn't trust her. I didn't know whether to feel sad or happy. I don't wanna sound totally cruel but i was just happy that she wouldn't be hurting him anymore. But i know how much it meant to him. I just hope i can help as much as i can. I'm trying :) maybe now he could notice me. But i'm not pretty enough, or skinnier, or intelligent or anything. But i love him so much it kills me every single second of every day. He just has no idea what he means to me. Grr, i have not slept a wink since yesterday. Well, i was up all night talking to him :) i am so tired right now. And fat. I need to go on a diet.

Ok, so there's this guy... Yeah you know what's coming lol. Ok, beginning. Mum was getting a tattoo. This guy and his friends were gonna get him a tattoo too, but he kinda chickened out. So i got bored out of my wits and sat outside as mum got her tattoo done. The guy and his friends stepped outside and were talking, i was in a world of my own. Then one of them turned round and saw me sitting there, i saw him out the corner of my eye, and i heard him go "oh my... (inaudible)" So i kinda chuckled to myself. I had everyone staring at me that day so i thought, whatever. I was bored out of my head, and i wanted to stir some trouble! So anyway, he got his friend to pretend to be interested in the leaflets on the table for him to get a look at me. I'm thinking he agreed? Hahaha. So anyway, they started walking away. And i'm thinking "... it's cold..." and this guy smiled and winked at me! It was so cute. He kept looking round at me as he was walking away, i kept looking back at him. Unintentionally intentionally making him think i was interested. When i wasn't, i was just bored. Then he stopped and signalled for my number! I pretended to hear what he was saying to get him to do something. See this is what happens when i'm bored, i cause trouble! He only came back over to me. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck" i'm saying to myself. I'd got myself into this trouble before but it was cute short by my mum and her cousin. Boring! So yeah he came back and talked to me, he refused to leave without my number. I know mum had warned me about giving my number out to people... so i gave him my number lol. One happy man! I think. So yeah, that was Tuesday, i believe. Wednesday. He text me and i text him and later that day we went out for a drink. Now this is where mum gets soooooo annoying. I said we'd probably be around Ealing, considering that's where we met. Mum was adamant i tell her, well, everything we're doing basically. I may be stupid, but i'm not THAT stupid to do anything. I wasn't bored that day so i was good ;) we drove to Richmond, not Ealing lol, and we had our drink. It was nice except for the part where i burnt my tongue as it was so fucking hot! Tea kills, man. But yeah, we were just talking and talking. With my (lack of any) social skills, i barely looked at him the whole time i was there. I never held any eye contact, i just can't handle that. I didn't talk much either. I did try but i didn't like it at all. I'd never even been out with a guy before so i didn't know what to expect. I went with the intentions of being friends and getting to know each other. That's partly why i gave him my number, besides to annoy mum. I love making friends. I just don't actually talk face-to-face much. So yeah. Then it got iffy... I got cold, he put his arm around me. It was eerily quiet... then he just pulled me around and started kissing me! On my life, i swear i did not see that coming. I didn't want to kiss him, but i still didn't know how to react. It's not how my first experience of a kiss should have gone. I don't like him that way. I do take full responsibility for this, it's so my fault. He tried again but i kept my face away as much as possible. We went to a shop after that and he was holding my hand. Hella awkward and uncomfortable. Shortly after he drove me home. Now, the twist! We had a bit of a convo yesterday. I plucked up all my courage to say that i wasn't sure if i wanted to see him anymore. He's a nice guy but that's about it. He told me he liked me. Figured, sorta... I said how can you? I don't understand how anyone could see anything in me at all. He said he's tell me more next time we saw each other. Which, what he doesn't know yet, will be the last probably. He asked me again if i have a boyfriend (he asked me when we met) and i said no i haven't. He said that's what i want. Do you wanna be with me? How the hell can i answer that! I said i can't answer that, we only met two days ago. I almost wanna burst into Plan B, She Said but i won't lol. Anyways, after i said that he was like ok i'm only kidding. I said well don't kid like that, and he just said ok. We went into a little normal convo and then it went silent. But awkward huh! Now i feel a bit more in control of things, compared to what happened on Wednesday. I was telling my friend about it and he said it doesn't count as my first kiss coz i didn't want to kiss him. Which i didn't. But yeah, hopefully next week we can arrange again and i'll be totally honest with him. I've lived with my family being so nice to your face and backstabbers once you've turned around, that's why i feel it's better so sort it out in person. But i don't need this stress, i don't. I do feel so bad about what i did, but come to think of it, i didn't do anything terrible. He said you wanna go out, i said ok. Anyone could've asked me that. I do care about people's feelings and it gets to me. When i was growing up i was never allowed to make my own mistake and learn from things. It sounds stupid but i want to make my own mistakes so i can be wiser and learn from them. I've been hurt in the past, i can't keep everyone jolly with a piece of me. I sound so heartless, i really do! But i don't have a great relationship with men in this department at all. So yeah, what do you guys think? You can insult me if you like, it's ok. I deserve it.

Hellooooo. I'm a little bit freaking out. Juanita's talking to mum about my (lack of) education. I don't want my anxiety back. Even though it hasn't left... I went with Win - I call Juanita my Auntie Win so let's stick with that - last week to Argos coz she needed something but we came out with an application form for the Christmas period. And i didn't feel as nervous, nowhere near as anxious. I felt it was a challenge i maybe could face. Whereas now they're talking about my GSCEs and i'm freaking out. Ok, it's not great having no education but i'm not at any standard of anything. I can just about think of the simplest things. With what i've had to live like and with my whole life at home with my family, i really can't think straight. But with what i'm helping Auntie Win with at home with the cleaning and the boys' homework and helping her at the church i feel that i'm slowly getting more confident. I just want to focus more on that than anything else. I want to be ok inside, that's more important than my education. Think of it how you will, send me a message and let me know what you guys think even. Anyway, gotta go for a bit. I wanna talk about something later. I also wanna talk about my friend. I'm just saying so now so i don't forget lol. See ya.

Haha thanks for the replies on my food dilemna! Still, i can't seem to reply. My own journal! I don't actually eat Mexican, but i know i have to try some soon :D in the end all i did have was some Cornflakes :| So hey dudes and dudetteses. What's up? I've had this pounding headache all day. My sky is now yellow! Snow weather, usually... You know what, i got home yesterday, slept through some of the X-Factor results, sat on my bed to try and email my friend and dang!, i'm asleep. At 9pm. I got up at 12:30 in the afternoon today. 15 hours! Can you believe it? I've had a headache all day but i'm cool. Mum and my brother went out to try and get him a coat. In that time i had my breakfast, played some tennis on the Wii, did some housecleaning and went straight to Juanita's house. I'm shattered. I think i'll be helping the boys tomorrow though, one of them's not well. So i'm just sitting here, chilling. Well, trying to! I'm hungry, man! I have no idea what i'm having for dinner today. I might have a dinner with Juanita, get home and have another one there! No way, that's just plain greediness. I'm not gonna stop eating again if i keep on like this. Usually when i say i'm gonna stop eating, i do it and it's fine. But i'm really having trouble with this one. I really gave in this time. Well, what would you think of 7 months living on one meal a day? Not even that? I went straight from overeating to nothing at all. I guess it's just built and built and now i'm exploding. Not to sound icky or anything lol. But yeah, it sucks. Oh well. Ok i'll stop talking now. Unless anyone wants to say anything to me, feel free :)

Who here loves biscuits? I've just downed a whole packet of choccy ones, yum :) I really have no idea how the hell i'm gonna lose the weight. Oh well. Should i get Chinese on the way home? I dunno... Nah. I'll get more biscuits! OK going now. Seeeee ya!

My stupid journal won't let me reply. Oh well. I'm not rude, it's just not working lol. So hey what's up guys and gals, gals and guys? My finger's sore, and it bleeded :D So i went out with my godmother today, Juanita. Which, i completely forget to say, IS the friend that's paying me to help her sons! She's my friend AND my godmother lol. I helped her do a bucket load of cleaning yesterday today i went to church with her. I'm not really a church goer, i'm not religious or anything but it was definitely something new! It was fun! Tomorrow i'm going back as Mondays are homework days. The original plan was today that we were gonna go to church, we go to Morrisons to get some food, then my mum and my brother come over for 3pm and we'd cook for them. But my brother doesn't want to bother and Mum wasn't feeling to great. She said she would've come if she was ok but i don't believe her. I get home from Juanita's and tell her about the exciting day i've had out and she's not really interested. I think she doesn't like me going out. You know what she said to me the night before i went to her house yesterday? "I don't want you going out, it's cold outside." I'm 18 years of age. Is she taking the piss? I have no education, my health has gone to pot, but Juanita is helping me get my confidence back to do things. Mum just breaks my spirit every time. She makes me feel so guilty that i'm going out and doing something for myself and having a nice day. Like i should be spending time with them. They've had 18 years out of me and they've put me through hell and back growing up. You really think i wanna spend time with you?! But seriously, it hurts. I want to get better and be a better person but it's like it's not right to her. I almost didn't go out with Juanita today because it's easier for when i'm at home. But i came round and i'm still having a good day. It just hurts that she can't seem to get her head round what i'm doing. What's gonna happen when i get me a job? How bitter is she gonna be then? Oh well...

I gotta get myself down to Primark next week. Get a coat. Or at least look... and stock up on cheap jumpers for the winter. And i gotta get some more gloves too. I lost one on the way home from shopping last year :( Shit it's so damn cold right now! I'm seriously gonna freeze to death. Why can't i just be normal and not feel the cold this much? Seriously, who else out there can freeze in the summer?! Anyway, who's been watching X-Factor! I'll be honest, i thought the USA XF would suck. Ours in he UK is just fixed anyway. Especially last years but don't even get me started on last year!!! But it's pretty cool. Though am i the only one who thinks Nicole should just stay far away from my tv? She's got EVERYTHING that anyone could ever dream of... and she just sits there like a dumbo. Like, watching the judges select the contestants for their groups, everyone else is communicating and all she does is gasp with her mouth wide open like a drooling caveman! I'd really love to know what her problem is. By no means am i saying bring back Cheryl Cole coz she's weird too. But jeez... Id love to be a judge...

F-F-Freeeeeeeezing cold. I'm like a walking corpse! Hold on, lemme shut the back door... *gets up, shuts back door, walks back* Much better :) OK, i'm bored and I have a few minutes free time so if anyone feels like annoying someone, send me a message! Don't care what you say, i don't mind.

I was thinking the other day. About a song that some people might know. Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars, maybe? I dunno about you but it annoys the shit out of me. Going on about how he wouldn't change a thing about his girl or whatever. Why would the thought even occur in a guy's head that he would want to change his girlfriend anyway? Ok, if she picks her nose and eats her bogeys then yeah that would probably qualify. But this is a question i need answered. Why do you guys want to change your girls? If you have a problem with them in the first place either learn to deal with it or don't go there. Simple right! Anyway, rant over. Things are going ok at the moment. I'm still helping my mate out with her boys' homework. Meaning i haven't lost my job yet! See, miracles do happen you know :D I did have to cancel on Thursday, we were gonna go out and get handwriting books but i stopped sleeping and i wasn't doing so great. But i'm a bit better now though. Well, except for gaining weight and such. But i dunno lately, my hormones have been well upside down. I've been getting so angry at people. I just set off and i don't know why. I know i've been a bit evil to my friend... i did apologise, i'm not all that bad. But we're cool now. You know, we actually didn't talk for a whole day... in the whole 8 months we've known each other we've never missed out a day. But like i say, we're fine now. Gotta go, got more cleaning to do. See ya!

Back! So yeah. I tore up the letter. I thought they thought i was a mental case, which i'm not! But apparently they just deal with everything and anything. So i guess i felt better after that. Then i got another letter about a week ago saying that i have until the 26th to contact the clinic. They gave me a number, but i tore that up too. Now though i'm starting to regret that i tore it up. I still have two days i guess... But at the moment, i have a couple of bigger problems! My anxiety has gotten out of control. A couple of nights ago, i knew i was going somewhere the next day, i had this huge anxiety attack ALL NIGHT! I only got like 10 or 15 minutes sleep. It sucked :( so i need to go there to get that in control more than anything right now. My eating has gone a bit haywire. I'm just overeating now, i can't seem to stop. Lately i've been having thoughts of wanting to make myself sick. What do i get sorted out first? My anxiety or my eating! Anyway, that's just a teeny bit of what's been up. On the good side, i got me a little job! Mum bumped into a friend of ours and she's said i could help her twin boys with their homework and babysit them too. And i'm getting paid for it. Mum never thought i could be trusted at first, i guess she's right though but she always says that. Today though i helped clean the house and do some bits and pieces. It's been pretty eventful. I even tried a butter toffee cookie? Smelt like shit, but it wasn't half yummy! But yeah. It's awesome that i'm doing this this time of year. Its mum's birthday soon and i can get her something nice with the money i make :) plus some special treats for myself! Like chocolate! Haha kidding. But yeah. I won't fill you in on everything coz i'm gonna sound such a bore. Not that i already do lol. Never mind :)