Oh gosh, so much has happened since i last wrote! I've lost more weight, i've been to hospital, i've cried tons, etc. I don't have too much time now to catch up on everything. I'm on my mate's laptop as my phone can sometimes bug up on me. But yeah it's been a ride. The blood test results came back great. Everything's working fine. Well, i'm a little low on Vitamin D but hey, who from England has great Vit D huh? The doctor prescribed me with Vitamin D tablets. Then he started talking to mum about my eating problem. I come clean: I have an eating disorder. I'm not proud of it but i'm not ashamed to admit it anymore. The last 10 years of my life have been hell. A couple of months ago i lost 14lbs in a week. A couple of weeks ago i lost 7lbs in a DAY. Crazy, strange, insane, you decide. But anyone out there with any eating disorder will know where i come from. Anyway, the doctor asked me if i wanted to be referred to a clinic to help me. From the go, i'll be honest, i wasn't going to get any help as i was scared that once they figure out the mess my head is in after the life i've had at home that they would put in a hospital. He referred me anyway so i had no choice in the matter. A few weeks later i'd just got home after a weekend sleepover at my mate's place and i got a letter. All i saw was "West London Mental Health Trust" and i tore it up. I freaked out and i knew that everything that i'd felt before that i wasn't sure of was true. Crap, I gotta go so i'll finish this off whenever i come back. Good to be back peeps! I've missed you guys! xx

Ok, this is gonna sound a little weird. Most have that 'someone' or 'someones' they can talk to, right? Well when they're asleep or just busy in general and you can't talk to them, well, i don't know about you but i get pretty lost. Though what i wanna ask is, is texting yourself weird? I know it's bizarre but i desperately needed to talk to him. Or, well, one of my 'someones', *ahem*... plus i was bored anyway, and i came up with the idea of seeing if texting myself worked. And it did! So... I did. Is it crazy to do things like that in that position or is it normal?

Aw jeez, it's been so crazy here. Like, uber mad! Had so much to do, plus birthday plans! I dunno if i said mum was planning to take me out for my birthday. If i didn't... Mum's planning to take me out for my birthday!! Well, the day after coz whatever it is is closed on my birthday. Typical :| I lost more weight :) But yesterday i ate two meals. I felt so awful :( what's even worse, mum took me to the doctors to get my food problem sorted out. I'm having some blood tests in a few weeks then the doctor's gonna refer us somewhere where i can talk to someone and blah blah. Like i want to advertise it like that. I don't want to tell people about it. Only my two friends and by big brother know about it. I trust them with it totally. I'm still trying to tell mum more about it but i'm getting there. But that's it. I don't wanna keep talking about it. It's ridiculous, just a big joke. Erm, what else has happened... oh yeah. That horoscope thing was a waste of my battery life and thumb-tapping. They didn't even know what year i was born in so that was pointless. It's so weird being back! If there's anything else i've missed then i'll try and remember. Try haha.

I'm watching Pinoke right now! Though i wish Donald was in it :( I just had a bowl of oats. It was so nice. I might just have another. Then cry later because i regret those extra calories. I'm coming clean; i've stopped eating again. Stopped working out too. Though i might just start that again next week. I went out today and i was complimented that i had a skinny waist :) fyi, it's skinnier than when she last saw it. But i felt really nice and skinny for once. Then when i got home i decided to try on a couple of summer dresses that showed a few lumps and bumps last year. They fit ok. It wasn't an amazing gasp moment but it was ok. Then i saw myself in the mirror. Oh jeez, i sank right back down. I'm so fat and huge :( i should look great and have the most awesomest pair of long legs ever, but i don't. I guess from all the weight i have lost yeah i have come a really long way. I really don't have that far to go for my "ideal" weight. But i feel comfortable at this weight. I just wish i looked better... What do you think i should do? Should i lose another 10lbs or should i stay as i am? I wouldn't know how i would feel if i lost the weight until i did it but i feel i would lose a part of myself, if that makes sense. But maybe i think that because i've been huge all my life till now. But yeah, should i go for another 10lbs or stay as i am for a while? PLEASE HELP!!!

Ok. So yesterday i actually submitted a thingy to get my horoscope/astrology reading thingy for my life this year. Seven months MAYBE just a TAD too late but it only takes a second for something to happen, right? I would really like to know what'll happen with my love life and my career life. Or lack of one :| it'd be nice to know if i was able to get a little job. It'd put my nerves at ease at least. But yeah, it's gonna be fun! And it was freeeee! I'll let you know my results when i get them! I have no idea about anything that's going on by the way, if you haven't noticed. I'm just impatient lol. All yesterday i was trying to work out all these riddles i somehow found on YouTube. Dunno where they came from! They was pretty cool. Here's one, see if anyone can get it: I know a word of letters three, add two, and fewer there will be. That should keep you on your toes for a second or two haha. Ooh, which reminds me! I forgot to give the answer of the riddle to my friend! I'll remember when he wakes up. Unless i forget lol. Ok, brekkie time for me!

Is it the last day of June already? Jeez! Soon it'll be July! Soon i'll be old :( i dunno. I just feel a bit weird about being an official adult. I'm not good at anything so the next few years are gonna be weird. I guess i'm looking forward to doing some stuff by myself. I mean, mum can get real cranky. For one, today she ate three bananas. She's kinda ill. I had a period where i would eat nothing but bananas. I loved them! And she was moaning at me that i gotta eat other stuff and that i'm eating too many bananas due to the potassium. Then she goes and does that and i'm like "well, you better watch your potassium huh" and she's all like "mleh mleh, at least i'm not stupid and i eat and mleh mleh" yet who was glad not so long ago that it'd been 5 hours before she ate breakfast? I do not understand her and she doesn't help that i don't. Oh well. I'm tired. Slept ok though. It was weird. I woke up yesterday and my legs just looked really nice! Now really, i'm only a fan of my knobbly knees lol but they just looked awesome! The look dreadful today though but i just though i'd bring it up as i'm running out of subjects. Guess i'll go now.

Hailstones?! In June??!!!! Yep, it was so. Yesterday's weather was so awesome!!!! It was raining, thunder and lightning -- i'm sure if my window would have been open i'd have been fizzled for sure! Speaking of fizzled, i'm alive!!! I survived the heatwave! It was so fucking hot it was stupid. I guess you deserve an update on my situation huh? Or if you prefer your sanity look away now :) Well, at this moment, right now, i love him to death! Yesterday i was looking at his picture and it just felt like a warm blanket of feelings was gently placed over me. I just do. I love you! I can only say it here. I can't say it to him. I kinda almost did once and i felt so bad saying it. I felt embarrassed and stupid. I guess he just knows me well :) Though he doesn't know why i cry myself to sleep every night... It's upsetting. I never want to let him go. I don't actually mean let him go though, if you're wondering; he's too far away to hold :'( i mean i don't want to say goodnight. I don't wanna stop talking to him. Ever. I love talking to him. I really do. Saying this now he'll probably say something that'll make me sad and it'll be the end of the world but we'll sort it out. I still have some questions that i need to ask him. I only think of them after i say goodnight to him, as i have the whole morning to myself and i just... think. He just makes things so much easier. He brightens up everything :) Ok i'm done now lol. I'll probably update properly before bed a bit later so ta-ta for now!

Booooooooooooorrrrreeeeddddd.

I really could have done with coming here yesterday. But it wasn't working. So what i do instead?? I think! Stupid. Grrr... I thought about a few things. One being some friends i've lost along the way. You know, people that just go... *poof*... I would name them all but they might read this and come after me :D some i miss, some i wish i could miss. Some i loved dearly :( It's strange how any stranger can make such a large impact on your life, then they just go. Whether you lost contact or you had an argument or you broke up or whatever. It really puts into perspective who you do have and love. Not that they don't already mean the world to me. We're supposed to be having a heatwave. Well i'm ok for a minute so it must be safe. Well if you don't hear from me again you know that there definitely was a heatwave and i was an unlucky fizzler. So far this morning's been ok. Yesterday was a disaster though. I even went back to sleep! My head was not on this planet, i was somewhere way else. And i only cried yesterday, i didn't sob like i said i would. I don't like crying anymore. I should only cry when something happens. Now i feel like i'm holding my breath because of all this and i don't think there's any need to as things like this don't usually work for me. But I feel guilty for feeling like i do, for hoping that i could still have a chance in this. And I don't want to make him feel unhappy with anything. Maybe i'm just letting it all out now so if it does happen i won't cry then? I don't know. Of course i'll cry if it happens. It'll be the one of the worst days of my life! But what could i do or say about it? There would be nothing TO say. Anything said would feel like a nail in my coffin, and i've felt a few of those! But i dunno... Gotta wait and see. "It's time to call your emotions round and drink tea with the ones you like least. Surely you can agree on something" - Scott Matthews

I wish i could go back to sleep. I'm so tired it hurts. But if i did i wouldn't wake up till this evening. I only woke up once, maybe? Got me six hours, not bad :) There've been some funny memories while i'm tired. Hmm, i remember once i tried to text my unbiological big bro before i slept. It was about footy, his team lost i think, can't remember if they did or not. And apparently his club were gonna be sold and blah blah. There's me trying to text him and i'm just the living dead, can't believe i'm still holding my phone. Next thing i know i woke up 15 minutes later, phone still in my hand with a half-finished text and i started again. After a while i just looked at it. It looked... weird. So i saved it and went back to sleep. When i looked the next morning, the message i almost sent him was: "So. i heard you've almost selling back me" Where the fuck did that come from lol. And another one. With my old phone i used to set a silent alarm so i was up at a certain time of morning as all our timeclocks were ruined. This time i forgot to turn the sound off... Suddenly in the middle of the morning, Taio Cruz filled the entire flat and i freaked out. But guess what i did? I didn't just get frightened and turn the phone off, or even apologise. Nope. I shot up like The Undertaker, flew out of bed and started throwing my brother's clothes across the room searching for the noise. I was dead sure it was under the trousers! I was so damn out of it lol. It's good to just remember silly stuff now and again. Keeps you sane :)