I have finally decided what I want. I want to be something more than just somebody to have sex with. I want to be more than just a fuck buddy. I want to be more than just a no strings attached deal. I want to be something to somebody. I want to be a girlfriend. I want to be with Patrick. You all have no idea how much I like his man, and how he makes me feel. I am hoping, hoping that I get to see him tonight. I need to.

I get so worked up all the time. I really need to just calm down. Patrick texted me. He apologized for taking so long to respond. He is in charge of a group on campus, and I know he gets really involved. So it's all good. He said that he really hopes that he can see me soon, but Becca is coming tomorrow. I told him that if he has any free time before 6 tomorrow, I wana see him. He is adorable. I am sure that you are all annoyed with how much I talk about him, but I can't help it. It has been so long since somebody has meant something to me, and I want to keep him here. I hope that I get to see him at some point tomorrow before Becca comes. He is so cute, and an amazing cuddler. He doesn't just hold onto me, he holds my hands and me. He brushes the hair out of my face and behind my ear. He kisses me on the cheek, on the forehead, and on the top of my head. He isn't a boy. He knows what he is doing. He has a career. He is a soldier. He is in pre-med to be and Army doctor. He is somebody that I have been waiting for. I am holding on to what we have now, as friends, and I am going to morph it into something more. At least if that is what he wants.

I think I saw Patrick's ex girlfriend. She's a lot prettier than I am. Fuck. :(

Patrick wanted to hang out this afternoon, but he only had an hour off and it would have taken me 15 minutes just to get there. So I didn't see him. I figured we could see each other tonight but I haven't heard back from him. I really want to see him. I really need a good cuddle and some kisses would be nice. I really like this boy. I hope he answers soon :(

I had the strangest nightmare last night. It involved Kellie (who I haven't been friends with for over a year now), and the Army Cadre chasing me down because I didn't go to PT yet again this morning. How weird.

Jonny Craig's voice is hypnotizing. Waiting out today, trying not to text Patrick at all. I figured if he wants to talk or hang out tonight since we couldn't last night, he will ask me to. I just need a cuddle buddy sometimes, and he is the best cuddler I have ever cuddled with. Becca comes in two days, which is great, because I won't have to sleep by myself for the weekend. But she leaves on Saturday, so that leaves me with Saturday and Sunday night to myself. I am going to ask Patrick if he would want to either hang out, or stay over Saturday, because I literally cannot sleep when Jess isn't here. And Sunday I will have to suck it up because Jess won't be here, but I may have PT on Monday morning. But I find out if I definitely do tomorrow. If I don't, I am definitely going to make the kid hangout with me. I like him. I have since we first started talking. Now that things have gotten physical, it just intensifies the fact. In all honesty, it kinda sucks. I don't want to like him if it's not mutual. I want somebody with me in general, not just somebody with me for only a night. I don't want this to be about sex. The part that could potentially suck, is that he and his ex broke up 2 months ago. He might not want a girlfriend for a while now. But when he told me about how they broke up, I said "Oh I'm sorry to hear that." and he said "I'm not :P" Which could be taken as he is glad he is single, or how I took it, he's glad cause he met me after. Stressful lifeee. I hope he is actually around for me, and not just for sex. I'm not going to sleep with him again til I know his intentions >:[ But that's not just something I can bring up in conversation randomly without sounding like a crazy girl. Oh boy.

Tonight I am going to Adams hall for Ronnie's going away party. I don't want to cry :( He leaves for basic in South Carolina on Wednesday. I am going to miss my friend. He is awesome, and probably my best friend in ROTC. I don't know what I'll do without him! On top of that, Patrick can't hang out tonight because he is busy I suppose, which is fine. I want to see him this week. Becca comes on Thursday, til Saturday. So I can't see him at all during that time. Saturday and Sunday Jess is still going to be away, and I can't sleep without her being here, so I am going to see if he wants to stay there. He probably wont haha. I mean, who would want to sleep with me in a twin bed, lets be realistic here. Maybe I will stay there. Worst of all is that I am getting my period. I was supposed to get it yesterday, so it is bound to come at any moment. Which sucks. Ah fuck. I just want to cuddle :(

Tonight is Ronnie's party. He leaves for basic training on Wednesday :( I don't want him to go. I am heading over there at 7:30 to see him. I asked Patrick this morning how opposed he would be about hanging out with me tonight after the party. I am a cuddle whore. I literally just want to cuddle. But to be funny I was like "would you want to hang out, and by hang out I mean have crazy good sex?! (totally kidding). I just want to see him. I'm emotional. I think that he likes me but we gotta hang out more before anything can happen with that. He's said that he likes me. UGH just fucking hang out with me tonight dammit!

Yesterday was a little weird, I'll be honest. I went to the mall to visit Lloyd because I love him. I was just telling Becca and Christine how I thought that he liked me. When I walked in, we were talking, obviously gave me the biggest hug of my life, and he said some things that I was just awed by. Something about having a sleep over, and he is invited. Then he says, "I'll just get with Lindsey though... excluding Becca." But the way he said it wasn't joking. And he told me that I need to come back and see him before I left the mall that day. Literally hugged me like 5 times before I actually left. Weird. Another weird thing, I went into Bath and Body Works to see my friend, when my ex boss came up to me and told me that I was hired and scheduled me for today and booked me for Thanksgiving break. I didn't even ask for a job. So I don't know why I got one but hey, its money. Last night was fun. I drank some, not too much though. We hung out with these older guys, who knew my brother. They didn't like him, but oh well. One of them was Pat, he lives behind me. We used to hang out when we were little but clearly didn't so much in high school. We caught up. He's going to the Army in April, so we were talking about it and what he wants to do and such. I'm excited to go, as is he. Pat and Andrew asked me and Becca to go to the movies with them at like 1am this morning but because Becca had to work, and I had to work, and we didn't have money, we just came home. Going back to school today after work. Wish I could see Patrick but he said he's really busy tonight, but wants to see me later this week. Hopefully I can see him Wednesday, because Thursday to Saturday Becca is staying with me. But if I can't see him til later in the week, I better be seeing him on Saturday night when Becca leaves, because Jess isn't going to be home til Monday. It sucks that I get my period this week too. So no sex for me. Dammit. Another thing that sucks, the fact that I am very emotional about sex, and I am beginning to have feelings for Patrick. Just a little though. I don't want to get them too fast, and scare him off. But he knows I am going to ask him to hang out a lot because he is a perfect cuddler lol. God I and beginning to really like school. This last month of the semester is going to be something good.

It was really cute. We watched Zombieland in bed and cuddled. He could tell that I was nervous, but he was persistent, which is what I need to feel comfortable. We cuddled and made out throughout the first movie. Then we watched Hotel Rwanda. It was pretty sad, but we cuddled the whole time and he was just being cute. Found my weak spot in the first 15 minutes of the first movie too haha. We ended up sleeping together. I didn't mind at all. Kid is my height, but damn he made up for what he lacked. It actually hurt at first. I went in, not planning on doing this. But I don't regret it. I think that he is a sweet guy, and maybe there could be something there for the future. He is adorable. Sex is really emotional for me, so I need to calm down, and not freak him out lol.