Monsters Inc. is on tv right now. I am so fucking happy.

So I fit into my skinny jeans.... this is amazing. I am going to wait to weigh myself another 8 days, because I will be half way through my diet time. I', guessing that I won't lose 30 pounds, it is so much harder than you think. But I would even be happy with 20. I was 225 before, and I can't wait to step on that scale as see the difference. I can feel it. Which is all that really matters.

I need to not be so lazy tonight. I went to dinner early so that I could go to the gym early. I'm doing this. For real now. I'm still sad like I was last night, but nothing close to it. Patrick texted me this morning, but I haven't heard from him since. I suppose I just won't text him for a while. Wait for him. Its annoying though. I just wish that things would go my way for once. Please let things go my way for once.

PT this morning. Told us that we are doing a 5 mile run, pyramid push ups and iron legs. After the warm up, he separates us and says "Alright, lets play ball!" Spend all morning playing basketball with the boys. Pretty bomb way to start the day if you ask me.

I am making pop corn, watching NCIS and watching Jonny Craig- Cry Me A River on youtube.... if you haven't seen it.... please please watch it. ITS FUCKING AMAZING.

I am okay, just upset that I can't be somebody's first choice. That I can't find somebody who can just be with me, even for just a little while. It's stressful. Plus I am listening to Mayday Parade- Miserable At Best which just makes me cry even more haha. ADTR and Emarosa are pulling me through.

I hate being alone. That's when I think, and think way too much. I think about being ugly, being fat, being alone. I think about crying for no reason. I'm so tired of trying to play it off as though I don't care about being single still. Just think about it this way. It has been almost 2 years that I have been in a real committed relationship. Almost 2 years since somebody actually cared about me as a person, as a lover and as a friend. It has been almost 2 years since I have been loved at all. It has been 15 months since I have given my all in a relationship. It has been 15 months since I have really held somebody's hand and had them hold it back, and not just think about having sex with me. It has been 15 months since I have been in an actual relationship, even though the guy was a total waste of my time. It has been 6 months since I have been with anybody physically. It has been 6 months since I have found somebody who would give me a shot at dating. Clearly I am nobody's first choice, and that really sucks to know. More and more each day I am thinking that I am going to become a cat lady. More and more each day I feel that I am never going to be happy, that I am never going to have somebody there to help me. I don't need somebody to be there with me, I have been on my own for almost 2 years now, never giving anybody my all. But the fact is, I would like there to be somebody for me out there. I just want to know if somebody would care if I were to die tonight.

I have a killer head ache. It sucks so badly. I am not motivated at all to go to the gym tonight, I might just stay in and catch up on sleep. I need to weight myself, it has been the first 10 days of working out and dieting. I probably didn't lose any. This weekend I drank my weight in rum.... totally not good for you.

My cutie cousin Ben is in the hospital tonight :( He is 5 years old. He hurt his leg 2 weeks ago, and a blood clot formed and then got infected. He has a terrible leg infection and also has pneumonia . Poor baby. He is going in for surgery at 10:30 and I feel for the little guy. He is probably scared out of him mind. I wish I was at home :( I wish I could be there with my little man. I love that boy.

what I would do to see Jonny Craig and/or Jeremy McKinnon? Jonny Craig- Sexy as fuck. Ginger... it's totally love. He's a little fucked up because of drugs, and we all know this, but I am getting sick of people bashing the guy over and over for canceling the latest tour. We should be supporting him instead... considering all of us really just want him to go back to Dance Gavin Dance. He is so gifted. Jeremy McKinnon- Amazing. Takes my breath away every time I see him in concert. He is gorgeous. He is so talented, plus he makes the best faces that I have every seen. A Day To Remember as a whole is just amazing. They are some of the most well known as well. I will hug this man before I die. If nothing else, I will hug him.