I came out to Becca last night, which went well. I think that she is still kinda weirded out by it though. But at this point, I don't care. Katie is having doubts about her girlfriend, since she met me. I want to be with her so bad. It like my first love all over again, because she is my first woman. She means so much to me. At 9:30 so told me that she really needs me right now, but I got no reply after. I figured it was because my phone was being stupid. I fixed it then received another text from her asking if I was still awake. I tried calling her, but she had shut her phone off after she didn't hear from me. I think that something happened, and either she went through with breaking up with Jenna, or Jenna broke up with her. God, I hate when she is upset. I hope she calls me first thing tomorrow morning. Going back to school tomorrow after I go to breakfast and such with my mom and aunt for her birthday. I don't want to go back to school. I just need to stay positive because the next time I am home, I will get to see Katie. I just want to hug her.

Its been 3 months since I last wrote. I have been so busy with school and volunteer work. Patrick and I am drifting apart. I've moved on from the emotional connection I felt towards him. He doesn't treat me the way he should, the way I deserve to be treated. I haven't seen him in over a week, at all. We have barely spoken. But something has happened, and this is why I am writing. I've met somebody. Honestly, I am terrified by it because it is something completely different than what I am used to. This person is smart, funny, has so many similarities to me. They go to University of Southern New Hampshire, and lives about 25 minutes away from me. What is so different about this person, is that she is a woman. I have never had feelings for a girl before, and I think that I really am starting to. I am scared.

Today was amazing. That's all I can even say. This afternoon Patrick came over, and I missed him. I really feel for this guy. After I went to dinner with Haley and Laura and you could tell that I was happy. I haven't been this happy in a very long time. He texted me all through his class and while I was at dinner he told me that I was beautiful. It's strange because we've never said things like that to each other. I had a meeting tonight, and at around 9:30 he called me and wanted to come back. Of course I said yes. We watched NCIS and Burn Notice and cuddled a lot. We had great sex like three or four times. He wants more to do with me, wants me more involved. Saturday is his birthday, and we were going to hang out. I hope we still are. God I like him a lot. I wish he would just tell me he wants me the way that I would kill for him.

Wish that I could have a long distance relationship with Angel. He is perfect. I can't even explain it.

That was an eye opener. Things are going to change. This semester is going to be different. I am going to lose 67 pounds. This will happen. I will make it happen. Taking weekly pictures to keep my motivation up. Tomorrow is a new day, a new month, a new Lindsey in the creation.

Almost Valentines Day... and I am still alone. Cool lol.

Been back at school for 5 days now. Sunday I hung out with Patrick, and I missed him, a lot. Monday was the first day of classes, and it was pretty decent. Nothing too special. Tuesday I went to class then went to Boston to go to Throwed. I danced with a very attractive Spanish guy, and spent most of the time with my tongue down his throat. When I wasn't dancing with him, I was in the bathroom with Kerri, holding her hair as she threw up. I ended up driving back to URI and got back around 4:30 with Haley and Kerri. Yesterday I had class again and afterwards hung out with Patrick again. I can't get enough of this man. He is a teacher, and he wants me to join his class so badly, but I'm not about to. He wants me to so that he can see me every day and also probably to fulfill his fantasy of being a teacher and fucking his student. Finally, today he came over again. He looked so good. Button down shirt, baseball hat and jeans. He is losing weight too, and I love his new look. His birthday is next Saturday, and he is turning 25 years old. He didn't have any plans so of course when I found this out I got all over that. Maybe I can get him to stay over that night. But I told him that we could do whatever he wanted. I can't wait. I will probably be seeing him at least 3 more times before his birthday though. This man is something, and I love being around him.

Heading back to Rhode Island this morning. Gotta finish packing all of my things and load them into the car. It's really going to be the last time I am home until May, since I go to Texas for spring break.

Feeling good. Just got home from seeing Zac. Things definitely seem to be getting better. We talked a lot about relationships, more in depth this time though. He told me he is going to miss me when I leave, and he wants to come and stay the night. After, we cuddled and we actually contemplated just sleeping there together. It would have been amazing. This guy has everything that I want. I really wish that he would feel the same way, sooner rather than later.

The way I think about things is all fucked up. Doesn't help that I am super not confident, have low self esteem and depressed. I have started having feelings for Zac, and we always have a great time when we are together. We have fun, we can just chill, but I honestly don't think that I mean anything more to him than just a good fuck. It honestly bothers me to no end that guys just seem to only feel that much for me. I don't understand why I am always just that. I have tried so hard, and when I thought maybe I was trying too hard, I stopped trying, just waited for things to come my way, but it never did. In all honesty, I wish that Zac actually felt something for me. Actually wanted me around. I'm not just a good fuck. I'm more than that, I just haven't felt what it is to be cared about in a very long time. I forgot what it feels like.