I woke up to a text this morning, from Patrick. "You want me, you don't want me. You will come down, you won't come down... You're confusing." ^ACTUALLY. I have made it very clear that I want you. Not only do I want you physically. but emotionally. I want to BE with you. I will come down to see you, if you make it worth my time. School is two hours away from my hometown. I don't want to come down only to stay for an hour then leave. I want something with you. I want something real with you.

What I really want tonight, is for Patrick to come over. Jess is going out to a party later, so I am here by myself. I asked him this morning to hang out, watch a movie and stuff. He didn't give me an answer. If I don't hear from him by 8 then it's probably not going to happen. I've been sending him like texts about how badly I want him all afternoon, so hopefully he will see them and come over. It also the last time I am going to see him before I leave for break, which really sucks. I am praying to God that I hear from him. I need to cuddle. I've got a ton on my mine, mostly not getting my period though. He's the only person I have been with, so if something is going on, it's his, and we kinda gotta talk about it. If I don't get my period by Christmas, there is a problem. I've been nauseous the past few days, which made me really start thinking about it. Im hoping that nothing is going on though. I really really hope that he texts me back. Praying for it actually.

Me and my roommate aren't speaking anymore. I have tried to but she is too cool for me now I suppose. It's alright though, I'm not very fond of her either. I think that now that she has friends, she talks badly about me behind my back to her new friends. I just didn't think that she would be that kind of person who forgets who was there for her when nobody else was. I'm so happy that I am leaving in 5 more days. I leave in the afternoon, and I will take the majority of my things. I will drive back on the 18th, and see if things are better with us. Maybe I will even drive us off campus to dinner or something if I have money. If we still are like this, I will just sleep, take my final and pack up the rest of my things, and go home. I even offered to drive her half way to New York, because I know that her mom is sick and can't get her. But I suppose that it doesn't really matter now. Maybe if she decides to stay in the dorm, after break we will get along better. I needa make some changes with myself. Get up out of my depression. Hopefully that will happen over our time apart.

GOT ACCEPTED FOR THE HABITAT TRIP IN MARCH! I am so happy! I got an email saying how competitive it is,and that out of 40 people they could accept 20, and I got it. :D yesssss. I'm so looking forward to it.

Been thinking a lot today. Getting things off my chest, and off of my mind. I need a good cry but I can't let loose just yet. I wish everybody would just know about you, Liv. I wish that I could tell everybody and have them all care, and know exactly how I feel. I miss you so much. More than you know. Not one day goes by where I don't think about you, beautiful. I miss your smile. I can honestly say that it picked me up whenever I was down. I am really glad that you are still looking down on me. I was left with so many unanswered questions when you left, but I think that I am starting to piece it all together. I can't wait to see you again. I bet you are so happy up there. I'm trying to be strong, and most of the time I can be. Thank you for that. People ask me about my tattoos, and yours is the first one I bring up every time. I say "I got it for my friend who passed away." They always apologize, and I smile and shake my head, "No, don't be. Now I have a reason to tell the world about what this girl did for me." I miss you so much. I cannot wait to see you. Keep a spot up there for me darling. I've got something for you when I come. Keep watching down on me, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Rest in peace, beautiful 5/31/1992- 2/1/2010

So girls suck no matter where you go. Becca sucks today just cause she is being a prissy bitch, and it is really annoying. Was sorta thinking that I didn't want to go home, people here are so much better. Walked down the hall to the bathroom, walked back and there was a room full of girls talking shit about me. Of course. Just think that it is funny considering I have only talked to them maybe once this semester, and have never said anything bad about them. They're just mad cause I'm getting laid. Doesn't help that they are friends with Jess, and me and Jess don't exactly get along anymore. Oh well. Instead of starting anything, I am just going to get dressed all nice for the next week that I am here, continue seeing Patrick, just go over to his place, and not let any petty girl's shit phase me. Hell, didn't think that girls here would be assholes, about absolutely nothing. They got nothing on me.

Patrick is calling me babe now. He came over again tonight. He's more romantic than ever now (:

Patrick makes me happy though. I can't completely cut him off. He's texting me while I am in the library studying my ass off. He's adorable. GODDAMN HIM. He just needs to make up his mind. Talking about how he wants me to come see him over break. How he'll miss me. Jesus boy.

I am done with this relationship bullshit. People fucking suck. Patrick just doesn't make up his mind. Sean all of a sudden never wants to speak to me again. Zac would love to fill that position for me, but I don't want to date somebody that dropped out of college, works at Chik Fil A and is 22 and still lives with his mom. I just want a relationship with a guy who knows what he wants, and goes for it. Patrick- a veteran, in college, aspiring doctor. Sean- in the National Guard, held his current job for 3 years. Only problem with them is, they are kind of dicks. Anyways, as much as I want a boyfriend, clearly none of them want me.

Apparently Sean lost all interest in me. Cool.