I spent the night with Zac. Like every time before, it was amazing. I met his adorable puppy. His name is Oliver. He loved me. We smoked a bowl, got really high, finished Lord Of The Rings, which we have been trying to finish the last 3 times I was over. We just never lasted long before we were on top of each other. He is adorable. I'm starting to have minor feelings for him, probably because we are having sex, and for me, sex is super emotional. We had great sex, again. After, we laid in bed together, cuddling at first. We started talking, about past relationships and why they ended, along with funny stories from past relationships. By that time we were both on our backs, his hand holding mine. It was great.

Time to fill you in. Patrick never came up here, and I knew he wouldn't. He is in Haiti until the beginning on the semester. Good news, my feelings for him have definitely dulled down. I'll see him when I head back to school, but I am finally okay with the fact that we won't ever be anything more than friends. Mike has been getting jealous about me and my friend Zac. See, Mike and I had a thing back in March of last year. It continued through June when he pretty much just fucked me over. He came back around recently, probably a month ago, and we decided to be friends. He just got dumped by his most recent ex, and is moving in on me. I liked him, I'll be honest. He lives in NY now, is moving to North Carolina for his new job training for 6 months. Funny thing is, after NC he is moving to Smithfield RI, which is 30 minutes from where I live. He really wants to potentially be something with me but at the same time he is saying how he can't. I have just been blowing it off. He is going to come visit me for a weekend in RI when I head back for the next semester. It would be good to see him and determine if there is anything there. Zac and I are really just friends right now. Well, friends who sleep with each other. It gets more and more emotional as we continue. We started talking about relationships and stuff yesterday. He also told me that he wants to come visit me at school for a weekend. Got to some parties and go home together. He is adorable too. I have been seeing him maybe once or twice a week for the last 3 weeks. I was with him last night. They are always amazing nights. I suppose we will have to wait and see what comes of this. That is about everything that is going on. Til something else, bye.

Got a call last night. It was Patrick. He roped me in once again. He speaks to me so sweet. He asked me if he could come and see me tomorrow. Of course I would love to. I've missed him. Missed him a lot. Mike flipped out at me last night, because I was planning on seeing Patrick. He can't expect me to do anything other than that. He can't expect me to wait out for him when he can't make up his mind. I don't want to be somebody's second choice anymore. At least with Patrick, I know I am first. Doing some thinking. A perfect guy who wants me but I know will end up leaving or a perfect guy who may never come around. How do I pick?

Having a hard day. Mikes being complicated and making me feel like I am too clingy, but in all honestly, we have barely said anything all day. So I am just not going to say anything at all until he says something. Patrick is asking me to come back down to RI and unless he picks me up or I take a train back down there for a night and stay with him, I can't get to him. He has a car, he can use it to come see me if I actually mean as much as he says I do. Zac is being chill. I can't wait to take a break from the bullshit to hang out with him. Tomorrow hopefully after work. Working 6am to 3 tomorrow, and I am exhausted. Suppose I will be off to bed.

For all of you who don't know, things are up and down with me. I'm home on vacation, which is great. Me and Patrick aren't working out. No relationship there. He just wants a physical relationship. I've been trying to focus on myself, and mending relationships that I have lost before. So far it's pretty good. I started talking to Mike, who I haven't talked to in months, long story. I think it is perfect timing cause my relationship with Patrick failed, and his relationships with a girl just failed. I missed him. He is actually moving to RI, 20 minutes from my school next year. Crazy coincidence.

No more loathing my own body. If I want a change I need to make it happen. No more excuses. I'm not doing this for mom. I'm not doing it to get more attention. I am not doing this to get guys. I am doing this for me, and to make my stop hating myself. I cried for a few minutes today, but never again. No more tears.

Feeling sick again. This isn't working out for me. Seriously God, fix this.

For those of you, who haven't been keeping up with my journal since I first got it, you have no idea what is happening. I talk about being pregnant, and fear is not in my voice. It is not in my writing. I have been through this before. Three years ago in January, I had a miscarriage. It was the second time that I had ever had sex, and I got pregnant. It was terrifying then, but I miscarried. I never thought that miscarrying would hurt so badly, but it did. I woke up covered in more blood than a gunshot wound. I couldn't even stand up. I remember waking up in pain. It felt like I was being stabbed over and over and over again in my lower stomach. I rolled out of bed and stumbled across my room and down the hall to my bathroom. There was so much blood. I just got over that night. It took more than a year. I know what my body feels like when something is wrong. After this long, three years so date, it is happening again. That is why I write so much about Patrick. About him not answering, or blowing me off. He is 24 years old, and I am 19, and we have a child on the way. He hasn't given me the time of day to tell him. He hasn't been remotely there. I know that he doesn't want this, and nor do I. I know what I have to do because I cannot support this baby. I cannot finish college with this baby. I cannot maintain a military career with this baby. I just thought that Patrick has the right to know. The right to know that he has created something, even if he doesn't want it. This is going to be a tough break, but I know what I need to do. I'm sorry if I offend any pro-life believers. This is something that has to be done for me, and it by law is my choice. Thank you to those who will support me.

On pregnancy. Looking over all of the early symptoms, and I feel the majority of them. I noticed all of them since last Wednesday in full effect. I have to wait til Tuesday or wednesday to take the test though. Since I am broke and all. Christine said she would front me the money til I get paid, or I am sure Becca would do the same. Fuck.

I understand that it is finals week, and you are a grad student and are busy but how can you expect me to go out of my way, take off from work, drive two hours to Rhode Island, and fuck you, when you can't even make time to spend with me when we are both here? I need you right now. I need you more than you even know because you won't take the time to talk to me for more than 5 minutes. I can't do this over texts. You text me like once a day anyways. I need to do this in person but you can't make time to see me. This is something that will change both of our lives, and you don't even realize that it will. You don't even realize that I need to speak with you, and it's important. Please. Please just stop. Stop for two minutes and let me in. I am not religious, but I am going to pray tonight. Pray that this isn't happening to me. Pray that this isn't happening again. Pray that I don't have to deal with the physical and emotional pain of losing it again.