I just had a nice reminder of how bad my anxiety gets... even over stuff so little. like just then. I went on facebook, went to L's profile, she changed her default. I freaked the fuck out. my heart was pounding like a drum, it was sinking deeper into what I used to feel everyday of year nine. but worse... it was like year nine and C, mixed into one in a second flat. it did not feel good. so I txt her asking, feeling like a bit of a twat and of course there was nothing wrong but for some reason I still felt revolting like I was going to vomit all over the people surounding me... the headaches still there, anxiety pains in my stomach kind of fading as I listen to our playlist. and now I'm fucking terrified of what will happen when something bad does happen and I know it's happened. I'm going to feel like complete utter shit for a very long time. fuck. ugh! I just completely forgot what that pain feels like, now I just feel apathetic lime in my dream last night I could cut away just for the hell of it. and that, is not who I am, it's who I was. I don't want to be the person I was, I like the new me. so I'm freaking out a little bit. music will help, music will help, music will help, I'm a stupid idiot for loving you. but if love is stupid then I stupid you.

interesting isn't it? what you did to me when I was your connection to everyone else. now what do you have? certainly not me. not that you care. or I at that. I fucking love you jase, you make sense of things when I can't which is a rarity. sometimes straight guy friends are nice to have when it comes to certain things (: haha it's true yes I'm waiting for you to talk to me... you're in one of your moods. I don't mean that to sound rude, but you're upset and I'm probably not helping by (what feels like) nagging you. If I can do anything, or you just want to talk tell me. fuck yes, nike outlet shopping. so gonna stock up for this year, the year I'm finally gonna make it. and I really mean it, is gonna happen.

this is getting ridiculous, a reply would be fucking nice before I fucking go insane. being in melbourne does not helpp. this is shitty -___- twelve hours is too long. talk to me.

and you're not going to see this for ages but please! just reply :\

you've kept me up, I'm restless. you're worrying me, I'm stressed. beyond a leaf of doubt... stressed and so restless. so at 1:33 I'm waiting for a reply, after 4 hours... just an "I'm fine" would be enough even if it were a lie. now I'm still up, city lights blaring through my window, the sound of a dog barking on the corner every couple of minutes. M abusing me for being on the phone; fuck off. the sound of something moving in the house... heaps fucking good. yes, fucking restless as shit. fucking hell... this little thing making me so jumpy? bloody ridiculous. how am I gonna cope when the tine comes many months (I still hope). yea I'm being stupid, but fuck, really? cone on! the aus open is taking the life out of me... not being able to sleep and early mornings is not cool. so! more photgraphing tomorrow of decent matches hopefully andd yeah. night I spose. xx

this I what happens when I'm watching something and can't see where my hands re going. they just go and write senseless crap. really, look... the affects of Donnie darko. the stars are aligned but she's so fucking beautiful you see her there, what do you do when she's blinded you? the simple force of a look distributes my embarked sail all it is, a simple curse. the death of a loved one, alone, crying, no. you wish you stopped it but you have no idea just what she's done you're all alone, with nothing left, alone. all alone. that doesn't even make sense! atop writing and watching, it doesn't go well together.

everything changed. so quickly, but why? It made me afraid, o so many things. afraid ofcaloing someone my best friend.. I don't get it. you hurt me so much you know? I loved you so much and you could never accept it... you got so scared of our friendship that was bordering relationship you bailed. I fucking cried over you. you know I don't cry. I cut over you too. I cut all over my thighs the night you told me we'd never be beat friends, or friends. "I always acts like your boyfriend" you were scared. and you knew it. C decides to txt me, not THE C, just C, telling me that he regrets what happene between us in year 9 and how he wished he hadn't chased E. I don't care really, he had his chance last year. I appreciated the apology though, he didn't even need to apologise. he wasn't one who caused heartbreak. It was the rest of the year who did. just shocked me what a decade does. my first full decade from start to end, not just half way. my lamb, my precious lamb, why did you fall for him, why? you were my inspiration for so many things, you stopped me from things I know I'd now regret. you were my world, well more like I thought the world of you. but you fell for it and now you're suffering the consequences, you've lost me and the other J. we fucking love you you know, it's just that guy who's years above us changing you and what we love... now we're all left. what else happened in 2009? I'll tell you...

The children have to save themselves these days because the parents have no clue.

has brought this mood on? breathe me on repeat, not a good sign. not willingly changing it even worse... perhaps reading will make it leave but do I want it to leave? .... yes. eventually I do anyway. I'll enjoy the depressed mood for as long as it lasts until my phone goes dead and breathe me turns off. I just don't want to bother her... I know I'm not but something is telling me to just leave her be for tonight. fucking heat; you're the problem. habig to work I your conditions for hours. I guess this is the price pay for photographing tennis, or any sport for that matter, it is inevitable. fuck inevitability. why can't I just do what I want as opposed to having all these fuckers hammering at me every minute. what joy, double pay. It'll be good for theatre tickets but if I by some chance fuck up I am royally screwed. I am not so up for that at the moment, instead I'll read, enjoy (I suppose) th mood I'm in... you thought I was strong. I still hit this state every so often. just happens to be when you're in victor. I bet . will tell you about this. mm, I don't really mind... on the note of . , I love her, she's awesome. I know she'll always be there to care, whereas I might turn into a superficial douchebag. I don't think I will, but you never know what bad choices or actions I might make in the future. this is quarter me, quarter heat and half sleep. much like txting and receiving "shoes" as opposed to "yours" I am just rambling without a care in the world. . (and no, not fullstop if you hadn't realised) I lovelovelove you for so much you've done... even if you don't realise it and for what it is you'll do in the future. who knows what it is? I don't... just sayin'. okay right this second after kind of talking weird not really gangster gangsterish in going to sleep before I really make a fool of myself. good night, adieu and farewell. OH I almost forgot. you selfish dick! honestly, what did you expect to happen! moron. I don't care how angry you get with me for saying this shit.. Is just ridiculous to do that when you know it might very well tip others over the edge. god damn it! >.< jesus, I just said god damn it. quick one. read john 14:10 I think that's it... for all you haters out there.

I love how it causes anxiety and selfishness, and we're always completely unaware of the second... I am not even going to go int it. It's just ridiculous.