so, yeah, im kind of into self destruction just for kicks, but him? thats not self destruction, its complete mental obliteration i cant stay away why? already its bringing me down. anndddd i neeed a new body, and a new mind, and like $200 for stupid material possesions that make me look pretty. i hate myself.

jay cuts. i want her. but i know i'd be bad, that i'd fuck her up, shes still trying to get over someone. and iv cheated on everyone ive ever been out with just talking to her last night, i feel like im tainting her or something. i dont deserve her, i only deserve to be fucked around by assholes, coz im the same.

so, when hes charmigng, when hes talking about us, about memories and stuff, i want him as soon as he talks of running away, of fucking him, whatever, anything that makes it real i get turned off somehow i need to tell him that, though i think it would be best if i ignored him why did i even start this in th first place?

i'm good at oneliners,, aand opening paragraphs, but not much else,, thats actually becoming the story of my life.

i come home, they yell at me for everything and anything, they kill my buzz, i go to bed, i dont sleep, i lie there, and i get a text, "thinking of you, sweet dreams baby" so i reply, **first mistake,,, then, some how, it gets to this, again: "believe me, you are [missable]... after like, smelling you or something lol, i cant get the thought of being that close to you out of my head" and the like, oh, and he just casually mentions that he'd die for me he sounds like fucking edward cullen. a couple of nights ago, it was just about fucking me, then now its about love. i know what he's doing but im powerless to stop it, i cant help it "he's my own brand of herion" sorry, watching twilight >< oh, hes working security at soundwave, yeahhh, so yeah, basically, im gonna get with him again, fight with him again, best form of self destruction -____________________-

binging!! fuck me i dont want to eat, but im hungry i feel so fucking gross i want to call luke, i just wanna be held for a bit oh fuck, not this again i have this permanent headache that wont go away ckdshewogjhq' igq5uh'4hv cdbveh

It always starts so well doesn’t it? Such potential, with gus, pat && woody But, they bail, of course Im not allowed to, I have to stay with the little kids. I just get so annoyed at my parents. Theyre so overprotective, it doesn’t even cross their minds that I might drink, that I might enjoy fucking myself up. Whatever. I have no hopes for the holidays now. Im always surprised at the amount of depression among the people I know, it seems everyone, except for a couple of my friends are affected, EVERYONE. Depressed, or just fucked upp. Why am I in pain? Im pretty sure it’s a physical manifestation of emotional pain. Yeah big words, I unno, im so tired, even if I sleep, that im in pain, Im not eating, so I get so hungry that im in pain, Really, the only option now is to say fuckit and get munted, then everything goes away Oh,luke. I shouldn’t a started talking to him. He wants me to fuckhim. To fulfill his childhood crush on me. im not getting the logic there? You? Anyway, its bearable, im not getting involved, though Id like to get laid, I probs catch something off him, I don’t trust where he’s been.

blakki pag last night (: funn, i didnt drink, spent a lot of it with josh,, oh and that hot guy, pieran?? anyways, hes hot and nice ah, i feel slightly guilty, i ditched ranna pre much as soon as i got there for free beer, that never came >< but it was good, just hanging with nice people, i really love my friends, and the randoms they hang out withh yeah HUNGRY JACKS! nah, it was so good, although i walked under a ladder >< and i hadd to leave to early, i saw luke, which was finnee actually, only hooked up w P, ahh, i love drunk boiiis (: yeah, P, lol, i unnoo, hook up buddy, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNND i didnt eat (: yeah, im happy, toxics on raaaggee, memories hahaha so, party at gus tonight, like all the families, hoping i can bail to somewhere better later its well and truly holidays and mums agreed for me to get my nose donne! YAY!!!

to make myself happy, i google pro-self harm. i am disgusting, iv decided, but i can live with that, theres this sense of comfort, and looking at that stuff, while it sometimes makes me wanna cut, it usually kinda chills me out, like cutting (: aaaand, iv started taking pics of the cuts, im not sure why?? but yeah....

so. yeah. honestly i dont know where to start. last night was totalpureandutter shit. so shit, infact that i almost called luke and asked him to come up. that bad. ah, i saw him the other night, and hes gonna be at the pagent tonight, we started talking again. haah, im so fucked, i found this thing id written awhile back, im pretty sure i called him my savoiur. and he never fucking changes, today: 'did ya go to stirling?" 'nah, the rain >