"babe iv got a roof of booze and blades" that would be my heaven right now i was home alone, chilling on the phone with lian. they cam home, she slammed the door in my face and kicked me out for what? being on the fucking phone CUNT

^ is how i feel.

i cant handle it atm. too much of everythng i want to curl up and disapear im covered in my own bitemarks today, oscar goes 'oh yu so smily today lulu' at that exact moemnt he said it i was contemplating going and buying my bleach after school iv stopped the hw ing i just cant i need to get this out of my system, but i know it will never be gone, its just the way it is why arent i crying/ i am a fucking mosnters with a mask so thick and unbreakable that noone ever sees beneath it im trapped inside my head, i cant get uot i want it gone! out out! go away! forget forget forget forget forget forget

iv almost finished painting the first of my three pics for my art final (Y) arghh! heat, hw, oral exam in two days >< and i feel FAT whats new eyy?

he has a harlequinade smile and sometimes we fuck under the stars. in the backyard; a mess of drunken, tired limbs shaking in the breeze and shaking under one another, we disregard everything we care about for as long as we want and everything is perfect as long as we keep it that way. we collapse into each other; our heartbeats slowing and our breaths becoming deeper as we lay next to each other and watch what we can see of the stars from our suburban backyard. he tells me they're beautiful, and all i can remember is the real stars; the real night sky without the purple haze of pollution clouding the sky. i want to show him the real night sky one day. he tells me he wishes moments like these could last forever, as we lie side by side watching as the purple-black sky fades into blue and the stars cease to exist for another day. his dark, tired eyes stare through me and i haven't slept but it doesn't matter, because his smile is warm and his hands gentle, resting in the curve of my back. he has a harlequinade smile and sunset eyes and a story written in the palms of his hands and holds me even in his sleep and i think i love him. maybe. just a little. http://rachel-rhapsody.deviantart.com/art/harlequinade-smile-142883540

wake up to an empty house, and homework i really just want to crawl straight back into bed, but im one of those people that does the work their supposed to. i dont liiiiiiiiiike it. wasnt gonna start eating, but i got hungry, fuckappetites. i hate it, you can starve yourself, but as soon as you start eating, you get an appetite. narg. im just going to watch more movies (:

cjs hgeikj f;e journal got deleted coz i forgot to put a subject in fuckthat NARG!G!! basically, gus van sant is amazing, i love his work. its all moviewatching all tonight. i feel horrible and fat, and really should be excersisng, instead i google self harm imfuckedup, pleased to meet you!

My mother is a complete cunt. There is now no escaping the fact. When my aunt got pregnant as a teenager she made her have an abortion. It broke her, my aunt, not my mother. She wears a necklace with a D on it, Damien would have been the name of her first baby. I cannot believe that she could be so cruel, what descision was it of hers to make anyway. She is not interfering in my life like that, she tries already, but I am not going to let her. Itsmylife. Cunt

right now: i can do a harvard system bibliography off by heart, i know all abut the rule or law and presumption of innocence, im flirting with kenny, planning hookups etcetc neenees here, noc school tommorow, city, shopping instead yes! schools almost over, down to the last few assignments, art i ll planned, i just have to paint, im excciteed! :) oh my scales lie. im still huge. last night: My stomach is rumbling, but im not going to eat. I don’t need to. Don’t want to. I feel slightly thin. The gap of skin showing beneath my hoodie looks taught, and in this light stretchmarks are hidden. I know though, if I lift that hoodie, ill see that stomach that I hate so much, but it doesn’t bother me tonight. im in control. my stomach is rumbling, but im not eating. Such power. I wish I didn’t have to eat dinner. Easy to stop eating, I wonder how long I could last? 48 hours last weekend, would have been longer, fuckfairybread (: I wonder if I can get down to fortyeight kilos just by starving? I wonder, if the fat could melt off my legs, would the cellulite disappear too? “to hurt yourself on the outside, to try and kill whats on the inside” watching girl, interrupted for English. Comparison text with cukoos next. fuckmymentalhealth(: I want to cut, this movies a bitch, bitch like me, stupid things that ring too close to home, fuckit, cbf getting the blade, I don’t do that anymore, im not that anymore, but I want it, to be it so much, I miss the blood, the cuts, the panic, daisy’s gauges,ZIG-ZAG,ZIG-ZAG now I want it gone fuck feeling shit, when this movie is done im finished im gone. im sleeping, dreaming, wishing of cutting and starving.

i've lost two kilos, well thats what teh scales say but im not sure if theyr lying, or not anyway im proud. and closer to fifty, then fortyeight t could actually happen