iv started remmebring my dreams again, i think its a sign im cathing up on the lack of sleep. that nad that iv been watching carnivale obsessivley, it wokred, these days, in my dreams, im olny being chased, by scary men in black, school kids in uniform, cows with devils eyes. as usual, circus tents atop the ocean, magical fforests full of jewel bright flowers my dreams are dar k, literally, and i only remmber vague blurs,, but it means alot that im remmbering them, and that thyer just as freaky as they should be

honestly, I NEED MY SHRINKKKKK! i am tmpted to ring himto make an appointment, but, paents and yeah, fuck it so, bad days, are being very bad, like 2?? days ago, um, i lfet the door opne, my dog ate ma bros guinea pig, i got ragged at, majorly, all of them yelling, wellie cryig, so i ran off, yeah literal running, to my hill, i cut, i screamed, i shook, i bit, i punched myself, over and over and over i was fuckign out of control i havent felt like that in sososolong i was scared, i spent forever on teh phone with l, just talking, i calmed down, as soon as i got back home, it started again, they didnt deven have to talk, i cried al nigth after that um, im blakning, i worte this in my head, on the wy back from victor, this, and fantasing bout jay, my trip went quickly oh, tripping. the sky last night, two layers of clouds, and it lokks like i could touch one, yeah WOW so, this book, a million little pieces, it could be my bible, its the monster. he talks baout what he calls the fury, this intense anger, the need for pain, tand how you quench it with the fuel, for him, crack, and later ciggies and food, for me, the self harm, the binge eating i understand. its me, oh yeha. neat, my aunt, think if mum finds out bout jay n me, she'll flip. fuking yay >< im tyring to see her before i go away, BUT ITS NOT WORKING >< if i dont kiss her before i leave, i may actually die >

Christmas day, Has been absolutely fucking wonderful so far. Christmas eve, not so great, the rage, the sadness, the apathy. Almost as bad as Tuesday nights’. I gave up, went to bed. Woke up on Christmas day, earlyearly, sat outside with lucas playing guitar, staring out over the city. It was good, I got tickets, to go to Canberra, to see the exhibition; Monet, Van Gogh. Im excited. Tickets to cats. Vouchers for art supplies. Vintage suitcases, Siamese fighting fish and bells. Yeah goodday. Best Christmas in years. Even dads family wasn’t too bad. Ah. I fukcing lie. It was the sameoldsameold shit they put us through ever year. And now, late night cravings of self destruction. Watching little fish, reading a million little pieces. Those movies, these books, the music, the art, All revolving Around self destruction, around hitting rock bottom. Im tryingto hold off, I want it though. I want the alchohol, I want to be so offmy face that nothing registers, that im out of control. The freedom. Somehow, for some reason, that fuckedup shit rings true. Its what I seek solace in, even though iv never been the biggest drinker, even though I don’t do drugs, But it’s the self destruction, it’s the rage, the need, the want to explode out of your fucking body, out of your mind. That’s what I feel. Reading a million little pieces, its like someone took all the fucking thoughts out of my head, and wrote it down. If everyone could read it, they could understand. They could get to know the monster.

the young man came to the old man seeking counsel. i broke something, old man how badly is it broken? its in a million little pieces. im afraid i cant help you. why? there's nothing you can do. why? it can't be fixed. why? its broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces. ^ from the book a million little pieces sometimes, its how i feel. christmas eve (: im exciteddd, i always am, we decorated nannies christams tree for her today but im worried about the food thing, i alaywas eeat to much at christmas, in a bad way and the disgusting feeling doesnt go away, latley iv been able to skip one of two meals a day, but ttommorow, no chance >_____________< and my minds being silly, more than usual, im forgetting things, losing things my eyes, they went holographic the othr day, THAT was scaryy but, have a goodchristmas people (:

im putting last nights mood down to sleep deprivation, starvation, and pms but is all good now and even stupid people can change their minds (: so life is being good (:

^ my mood swing happen minuttley or less

its back to self loathing central, im on board, but im not sure i ever left cant my mind ever leave me th fuck alnoe, i dotn want to be me. i just want nothingness

i cut last night, a new blade by accident my leg looked like a fucked up candycane, red stripes rolling around, around untill they joined th other droplets on the floor

my skin is burning up, my limbas are going kind ajelly, my head is actual mush but i look perfectly normal on th outside

i forgotted what i was going to write, but basically, i havent eaten in almost 24 hours, (Y) but i havent sleept well, and i worked so im fucking tired and yeah um ARGGHH! at th e way life always fucks up the most amazing things, and makes them hard and is almost christmas, work is crazy and i havent finished chrissi shopping,and i wanna see a jay girl, but i dont think it will happen ): oh an sid my fish died and so much has happened and i sick of it and everything and i just want to crawl into bed, but i cant sleep im turning zombie and not looking forward to christmas, it always sukcs im sick of feelling like not good and energy drnks make me jup, and more crazy and i can feel myself losing control of any sense or normality