maccas, three times in three days >< when will i learn? um, new years, boring, boring, motel room, watching wanted and lord of thr rings shit nights sleep, insane nightmares, the devil was chasing me, jay was trying to die i hate these chasing dreams >< um, with the cousins atm YAYYAYYAYAY theyv got so much bigger,, so excited for the masterpieces exhibition but jay, i miss her so much it actually hurts, i just want to be with her, two states is too far. i nneeeeedd herrrrrrrrrr!

probaly, thinking about it, nacho cheese flavoured easy mac for brekkie ISNT a good idea, but i was cravin it, and i give into my cravings very,very easily from the first bite thugh, it tasted like poinson, the second and third, im gaggin but i HAVE to eat, the need, the fuel to stave off the monster but now, im gonna feel shit for the rest of the day >

i want to go back to lastnight, midnight, lying under a tree, staring up at tthe sky, texting jay, the world was perfect, the cool breeze wafting ovre my skin, thats was nice but now, rudley awoken from strange dreams, get yelled at, its hot, i need my blade, one last cut before im without a blade for a week, but j has it >< grr.

i swear, if i become my grandmother, i will kill myself.

um, i started writing agiiann (: im liking it and im feeling alla rty, need to paint, to take photos, but i have no camera, or paint, not even a pen >< mm, i went to th libraby, got manymany books, including candy, and the watchmen (: and some russh mags (: (: im stealing them, for arrt (: yeah, so im happyish, robbie's party tonight, staying at rans, i like people (: lol

Blade. Skin. Contact. Then relief. A single instantaneous hit. The worried mind goes BLANK All is right Until, the blood dries, buzz is gone Blade Skin Contact Relief. Repeat.

aimlessly we wandered, you and I, our hands intertwined,
With a silence that was comfortable,
Stolen glances,
We walked, and walked
Through forests, plains and rain
Until,
One day, we came upon, a factory.
From out of the chimney stacks, spewed flowers,
Broken petals were discarded all around
The gate, etched with the words “welcome, to the dandylion factory”
Curious, and curiouser,
We pushed aside these words, and entered,
Inside;
Dandylions, dandylions, everywhere, in the air, being pushed from pipes, upon conveyor belts
The perfume, overhwhelming,
With every step, we were breaking flowers,
They bled out under us,
We reached the centre of the factory,
A platform, from which to view the beauty,
We lay down, hands intertwined, with a silence that was comfortable, while petals rained down around us.

hey, so would you like to join me on a ride? we can visit that floating circus, an old old circus, with a freak show and all, and when it come time to hide, when it comes time to go, we can dive under the waves, down down deep into the sea, and hold our breath until our eyes see black, and our lungs burn fire and then let go and float, right up to the surface, with smiles on our faces, last memories that hold ferris wheels and fortune tellers

and
her sparkling eyes
peek out from underneath that hair,
she bites her lip,
that look, that glance,
the promise,
the anticipation,
of
when
our lips
will
finally meet

oh, im foregtting again. um 1: suicidal, slef harm, breakdown daydrea\ms are getting worse again, im losing myself in them theyr so comforitng i cant help it, but im not liking where this is headed,, it was good, i was so happy for awhile, and now its all badness coming back >< 2: after year 12, the plan is, to grab a van, head out to byron for a couple of months, and hnag with the hippies, by myslef, sorry L i know you want amasterdam, but,,,