im quite proud, i did kinda amazing in my exams, (: and apparenlty my reports quite good so yeah, thatss good! schools finished and done, cept for this awards night i have to go to >< whichhh, kinda wreks my plans for bleachblonde hair and getting my nose pierced i need some way of getting out of ittt um, hey, so theres a problem, i have this friend, who i help out alot, i guess you could say, he says im the reason hes alive, but i think he depends on me too much and yeah, i think he needs to let go abit, and yeah, i hope he knows, and remembers that im a flirt, and that nothing would ever happen between us, and i gues hes gonna read this, so, sorry lian, im not good with words, dont hate me, please, just maybe, give me a bit of space

i watched fightclub last night. i love that movie, it makes me want to crash and burn,, i kinda decided i want tylers kiss, i wanna see just HOW much chemical burns hurt, instead, i cut theyr getting deeper again (Y) its always like this, you stop for a while, start again, shallow&& cautious cuts and then, you get back into practise, cutting deeper and more, i want to get back to the point where, even with a blunt blade i could cut anywhere, just slice. those were the days, the days of fifty cuts a night, of mindless mutilation, (: so, inspired by self destrution, the ideal of hitting rock bottom, i was gonna do 300 sit ups and not eat today, iv done a 103, and i just opened the fridge. -___________- so i fail. i think so, oh well. id rather just crawl back into bedd

Randomly searching my friend’s exes myspace I found a photo of his current girl friend. It was a pretty average photo, bad light, scene kid, postitnote: I love you, BUTTT, You could see her scars, her healing cuts, rough and painful. Its made me feel, so, So, so, I cant explain. I wanted the cuts, the scars, the secrecy, all that shit that comes with cutting. I hadn’t cut for so long, the last time, last holidays, when nanna was hospitalized. Then, it calmed me down and stopped the sobbing, Now, Im not sure, I don’t know what iv done, Four, tiny, shallow cuts on my ankle. I can say im a cutter again, its who I am, who I enjoy being, its so easy to hide behind the cutting mask, it is so good, knowing, you, some friends, and all the incurable selfharmers out there are part of this thing, this thing that rules your life, You cut, your mind blanks, you can still feel, but its like yoga, the fog just clears, And the bright red blood, starting with a line, welling up, and up, until it breaks and begins to roll, The gauze, the bandaids, Even though I haven’t cut for so long I still dress as though I’m a cutter, long sleeves, or a jacket, shorts and skirts, making sure they don’t ride up and reveal anything, not lifting your arms above your head, not moving them in any way which will expose the scars. I need more scar cream, it works, the scars fade, turn white, instead of the horrible pinkish colour of tissue,looking like stretch marks, ugly, White line scars are beautiful, Im reminded of liv’s leg. Newish crisscrossing purple scars, wide enough, as wide as mine, but long, and then, halfway down her thigh, the scabbed over cut, deep, deep red, you can tell it bled, that it hurt, that it will scar bad. Its better now, iv cut, keeping in practice, for when I need it, its like renewing a lisence, making sure youv still got it, i need more cuts, I want to get back to the fifty cuts a night, the torn skin, the tissue peeking through, where they open and bleed over days and days, im a cutter again, though im not sure I ever stopped being one.

schools over, exams are done, i can feel holidays in the air bleachblonde on the weekend, blakki pagent, where the wildd things are, opshop/sewing/city tommorow (: its all goodd (: mmm, "drunked speeches on sobreity" "free to break away, nothing but sunny days" my new favee lyrics. im tired, but jollyy (:

i have an indo exam tommorow. for indonesian. for the subject i care about most in the world. im not revising. i should be. no, im going through all my myspace messages from long ago, like so long ago i was going out with declan. back in the day. he was nice, and sweet, and we fell asleep on the bus together for eight hours, wrapped around each other, and he used to sing me grandtheft autumn at night, and yeah, hes a good kid. one day, i want another guy like him. and im having a mssive struggle with myself. see im not REALLY hungry, i havent eaten today, and the migoreng on the bench is oh so fucking tempting. oh. and im forsaking stirling pag, a chance to get drunk, to get laid to go to symphony under the stars. is there something wrong? >< a slightly sour note, mum found out that id done my ear again. so, im not gonna tell her im gonna get my nose dones she can fuckoff. its cold windy and rainy outside. im liking it.

Today is actually lover_ly. Taking the study outside, lying lazily in the sun, skimming texts books, 30h!3 cranking, Reppping the opshop glasses, making me feel alil intellectual, I should wear em for exams (: for luck I feel beautiful. Perfect scene hair, bangs behaving, blackasblack lined eyes favourite outfit: rednail polish, whitetshirts, red hippyfloaty skirts, stacks of bangles&& no shoes. Lying in the sunshine This is perfection. This is all I need for now.

study day. the allure of the internet is too strong, curses to random googling iv done no study, BUT iv taken pretty pictures saluted the sun fucked my body clock, 3am till 30 am >< eaten yummyyum vegie soup im thinking i should take advantage of the sun, take my text books out and just lie there. its nice, but id love some company, txt me 0437914346

I cant sleep, not that that’s unusual. Im going through my phone, reading old texts, deleting the ones from exes etc Its funny, they all revolve around: music, movies, booze, blades, hookups, plans that never eventuate You could learn all about me just from reading my messages. I send like sixty texts a day, everyday, but when I go back through the ones from last year, beginning of this one, I remember the conversation so well, when it was, what it was about, even if theres only one or two texts left. Its taken me over an hour, to get through the first six months of the year >< Oh weeeeeel, it not like ive got anything better to do fave texts are going up, in case I lose my phone again -_- there not gonna mean anything to you, but they mean a fuckload to meee .  eeeee, mines like on the underside of elbow. It needed stitches but it was too late to get em. It like opens up every time I move my arm D: eeep hope yours heal ok babe  I c u  she’s home and ok guys  awwwwwwwwhat the hell! you have a bedtime! Lulu!  Youre totally skinny and beautiful, hmmm, like me (: lol but if you really feel like you wanna lose a bit weight, im sure you can do it in a safe and healthy way  But then again, I just want to leave everything and everyone and just live. Lets go live with the gypsies in Europe!  * photograph* let me fuck you?  What, m’dear, is your opinion on blue and red tartan?  Let me know when you get to bed, I wanna wish you goodnight  My backseats rather comfy, btw, iv slept in it many a time  Oh I see. That’s not too good, Crack is bad for you  I pierced my ears. It hurted.  Just play safe ;P  One advantage of having him as a son, the intelligent dinner table conversation…. Vagina  Keep walking  Wah aduh, enam bebek keluarga!  Cutting for the first time in ages. Feels fucking great (: you doing your arms or legs?  Yehrly, paste paste paste paste paste paste paste pause paste paste pause paste paste paste pause

schools over. well lessons are time to studiiiiee for exam, or not its freaking me out to think the next time i will be in lesson will be next year, when im in year 12 im sad though, a whole group of my friends have left gus, woody, ben, lachie im sad coz they make school fun, they are doign what they want, what i cant do see, the other night, i tried to talk to the parents about switing subject for next year so i only have two exams: i got yelled at i said i want to take a gap year: i got yelled at i told them im not sure that i want to go to uni: i got yelled at its becoming quite rediculous, the amount of say i DONT have over my future dont tell them, but at the moment im thinking of actually going to uni, doing nursing and specialising in paediatrics, that or social work were gonna have a meeting with the shrink about subject choices and stuff, but its after school finishes, which is reallyquitegay because i need to have my subjects and everything in before the end of the year, maybs ill see if dad can bring it forward I JUST DONT KNOW! and after not eating for like two weeks, im so hungry, im eating as much as before, i had hokkien noodles soaked in butter for brekkie. yum (: but BAD its cold here, and raining, two days ago it was fortythree and HOT and australia still wont do anything about climate change mlia.

last PROPER day of school today (: just got my history test, and my english to hand up then im DONNNEEE except for exams >< i cant beleieve its actually here, and im actually still alive. bring on holidays, blue hair, nose peircings && parties (: ah, not much as happend really, schools been dominatiing veyrthign oh, i hooked up with kenny, dont you hate it, you get innto a guym flirt with em for ages, and then finally hook up and you realise you dont like them at all eh. saya harus revisi untuk bahasa sekarang, it terlalu pagi untuk pekerjaan sekolah >