sometimes the way people look at me makes me want to kill myself they have this whatthefuck expression in their eyes and it tears me into tiny pieces i dont know anymore, cutting used to define me so much, i was "A CUTTER' now i've stopped, now i can barely physically cut, i feel like something essential is missing from me, but if i dont cut then im not a cutter, but surely cutting fr the sake of it, because i feel i have to, to be myself is wrong too?

this thing never sees me normal, but then again, im not sure i ever aam, its the highs n lows that they get, so heres a bit of normality okya: so our computer crashed,so naturally, im at my granparents, on facebook when i should be at home, without internet doing the 50000000 assignments that i have to do at the moment -_- nice weather here, was like 38, then 15, funntimess and grannie naps and nightime walks are love :) on the weekend, i didnt eat till sunday night, in the mirror my stomach was actually flat. it was amazing, then mum had to go and make yumym vegetarian dinner for me -_- so its back to feeling gross ah,, txt that made my day "youknow this kenny kid right,and he did get on facebook, because this amazing girl with the name lulu told him to and he does what she says coz shes beautiful" :) sometimes, the flirting and the slurryness pays off and peopel are sweet, and they call you sugarplum and it makes everything worth it looking forward to the weekend :) neenees visiting, engagement party, whatt i really wants a hookup its been too long need those guys ffrom the bay :) ah. fucknormality,what is it anyway?

(: imginarium of dr parnassus 3 mothers spa time abs paranoid walk home dot (L) good night :) 1 shared udl lol watching butterfly effect, bay tommorow. life is ok. so tired oh. new peircing :) so tired now. see youu.

today has been wonderful: john brack exhibition for art, so no school loverly weather hotindieguys to perve on noodles electric cool aid acid test under the trees

i slept pre much all weekend so much sleep but i keep having dreams when i die usually, im being chased, though lasnight i escaped and i ended up getting bitten by a snake IT HURT! so much :( but i always make myself wake up once iv started getting hurt, but i feel the pain in my sleep then i go back to sleep, and in the next dream bad thigns just happen to me ist scary i dont remember them well enough, but they are freakyfreaky what else? today was better, im still so tired. actually managed somework, but i got back on facey -_- that was silly, anyway, talking to e, which is nice. plans for halloween. maybe midnight picnic. maybe going drinking. depends. i wish we could merge both :)we couldmebbe. argh. plans are hard. this is why i havent done anything for ages, its too hard. yeah. doc 2 morrow, miss out on seats at assembly, ist stupid, but im kinda sad i dont get to sit on them gr. reminded me og homework oh, LOL, at dics party dot got halfway to my hookup record :) YAY! for slurriess :)

i am inadequate i am fail i am hopeless i dont get it i am disgusting i am scarred i am fucked i am angry i am weak i cant do this, how do the noraml people do it? how can they? they can analyse movies, they can laugh, they arent desperate, they arent left with a bad taste in their mouth and a knife through their hearts at the slightest rebuke, they dont cut themselvesm they learn to get along with their parents, they dont fall in love with guys they never see or girls they could never touch, they remember their shoes when they run away, their daydreams arent abour suicde, hospitals or shiny blades, they dont starve and binge, they dont have booze for brekky, they have some sorta confidence, they dont wake in the morning and see black, they can control themselves, they can accept a compliment, they know what to do, id give anything to be them for just one day. _________________________________________________________ no matter what good is said about me i can never beleieve it. but. i can ALWAYS justify the hate i have for myself __________________________________________________________ why is there never normality? i am either completly crazy and outta control or crying and wanting to die. 3 days ago, i was like a zombie. yestday i was so so so angry. today i cant stop the tears. is somesort of peace to much to ask? __________________________________________________________ i want out, not death necessarily, just to stop, i want oblivion, i want something else, i want out of my head. i wish i could write it all away. but i cant.

not much to report. schools back, nothing changes. nannie gets out of hospital on saturday, we went and had tea with her tonight, pre horrible. i dont ever want to be in hospital. we had to walk past the est/ect room to get to hers. fucking freaky as shit vibes. dont think it helps we just did cukoos nest at school, plus im reading electric kool aid acide test. which is great :) 105 DAYS TILL SONDWAVE, placebo and mcs have also been annouced :) im gonna die of fucking excitement before it thenn. suicidal/selfharm/crazy fantasies are getting worse, much more elaborate too :) its like, you know how people have romances in their heads? i have sucide attempts :) back to the shrink next week, im kind of glad actually, i need more releases. havent cut since last time though

Holidays; I feel they were somewhat wasted, okay well theyv been pre much, sleep, get in a car, drive for an hour, work, get bakc in a car, drive for an hour, sleep occasionally, i went shopping, read books, watched movies, walked and slept some more BUT IM STILL EXHAUSTED! mm, let me tell you about today, coz it was nice so, i was at ranas. we went to a prettypretty place and had a yummy picnic and climbed trees and paddled in the creek and took lots&&lots&&lots of photos :) and then i came home, well i visted my grumpy grandparents but on the way home i got two awesome tvs off hardrubbish and i took pretty pixx of the sky and tidied up my room a bit though iv lost secret diaries of a call girl, meh, anyway i even did homework, and then im gonna go watch the mighty boosh. i went and bought scar cream too, finally, to make them fade so i can wear a bikini this summer I like this band that playing, I think its hey Monday. Anyway. It was a luvverly end to the holidays today, seeing as last night was crappy. We saw maos last dancer, I finally got around to catching up with a few ppl, seeing as iv been a hermit for the last two weeks. But I satyed with ran, and I had forgotten how annoying Vanessa and her are together, and how they always try to threapise me But it all turned out okay, Yeah School tomorrow. Ohshitdamnfuck. Not looking forward to it.

http://galadarling.com/article/50-things-every-girl-should-do-in-her-lifetime-part-one ^ i like this. searching the internet for new and exciting hair colours, i stumbled across this pretty chick. i like how she works :) mm. maybe ill start a 'public' blog thing yes, no, maybe so?

its a bit blergh at the moment, not a whole lot, but enough t o make things just a bit crap. i've been hidign myself away at victor, only appearing for work and food, the homework and nanni being in hospital hanging over my head. we went and saw nanie yesterday, and im seein her again today. its not so bad. and possibly im doing stuff with the girls on the weekend, which would be nice, seeing as iv forgot to have a social life this holidays. and iv found a new colour to die my hiar, called blue hawaii :) im excited :) hehe, iv gone almost a month withough dying my hair, this is quite amaing.i should die it black more ofetn. and its LONG! this world is doing funky things round bout now actually, things are pretty good, iv chnaged my art final, iv got good books to read, even thugh i almost cried when the booksop didnt have electric kool aid acid test (FAIL ANGUS AND ROBERTSON!!!) and i got a new black hoodie, it so comforting, and so darn black :) anyway. sayonara :)