So this year was the first in 5 years that I didn't go to camp. I was too old to go as a camper, so originally I wanted to go as a CIT. But things changed when I started dating Alex. I needed to apply for the CIT spot in February, and at that point I didn't want to go, I was in a hot and heavy relationship and I was afraid to leave. But its almost August and I miss camp. I look at pictures of it and want to do anything to go back. Another reason I didn't go to camp this year was because my best friend from there, Larissa, decided not to go. And I didn't know anybody else to be honest. Me and her spent every day together for the past 5 years, so I didn't make any other close friends. I knew the people who were going this year, and I was friends with them, but not like I was with Larissa, nothing could top that friendship. But looking back, I really miss it, and I wish that I could go. It is my second home. It has a lot of my friends. It is made for me you know? I just wish there was a way to go back. I miss you, I miss you so.

Fighting with Alex is oh so much fun. I hate it. More than ever. Arguing over things that have nothing to do with him. He feels like he controls me, that he is going to put so much guilt on me until I crack and finally give in. I am a forgiving person, and that's it. Its how I am and forever will remain. I am so upset that I am covered in hives. Which has never happened before. I am sure that I will feel like this again. I just want to rip off his head. I am standing my ground now. This is how it is going to be. I am going to finally stand up for myself. I'm only halfway sober.

When I get into one of my really upset moods, I stay in that mood, for a while. I can't help it. Everything seems to be awful from then on, until something amazing happens and snaps me back into reality. Sometimes I wish I could just stay in my alternate reality, is that weird to say if my alternate reality is all about me being forever depressed? I've been sitting here for hours all alone and in the dark.

Mad cleaning spree today. After I am going to take the car and go up to Nashua for a while. I need to go tanning, get my book, buy anniversary presents, and buy something decent for me to wear to meet Alex's mom. Anyone around here want to meet up with me? Text me and let me know. I'm stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second hand pick me up.

I was out to breakfast today with my Nana and randomly she just says "I don't know why you aren't on birth control." Oh really Nana? it was awkward, simply because she is talking about me having sex and what not. It was pretty funny though. I have to work at noon, til three, then I am going to hang out with Taylor, or maybe go somewhere. Who knows. If you here these words, won't you please just come back home?

Watching 16 and Pregnant, and it gets me every time. Crying my eyes out, like a few nights ago. I know how it feels... Day N' Night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.

Today is a good day, a very good day. I can already feel it. It is 8:49 AM but I can feel it. I am not depressed or emotional today, thank God. I feel like partying. Doing things I have never done. Soaking up the sun. Doing anything to embrace the day. I need to do something to get out of my comfort zone. Any ideas? The colder's coming to take it's place, you see it coming so embrace.

When Alex left, he took part of me with him. Ever since then, I have been depressed. I have been upset and irritable. I don't know how to handle it to be totally honest. I need to find a way to deal with it. He is telling me that I can't let that happen, but what can I do about it? Hopefully I can get myself back when i get to be with him again on Saturday, next week. Every night when he cries, he lies awake to realize, he's nothing without you...

I hate fights. I hate fights with boyfriends, but I hate family fights more. Especially the ones over me. I am not allowed to drive when my mom isn't home. WTH? There's one fights, another is; you can't drive my car, you will crash it or ruin it. I have never gotten into a crash, or been close to ruining anything. Not once. And its been year now. Nobody wants to take responsibility for me, I don't need anybody to. All I want is to be treated like everybody else, like Mike. Nobody gave a shit about him when he got his license, and that's how I want it to be for me. It's not fair for it to be any other way. I just want to be treated like everybody else. Kept me here for all these days, and ripped apart my pride.

So of course my mom goes back to being her old bitchy self. She refuses to talk to Alex's mom, and refuses to buy the ticket for me to go. Of course she does, she always does this to me. She makes me think that I am going to get to do something, get to be happy for once, then she throws it all under the bus, just to watch me crumble. I should be used to it by now right? After 10 years of her doing this, I should be used to it. But I'm not, I usually stay hopeful, but which is worse; being hopeful and think that maybe this time will be different? Or knowing right from the start that this is just like all the other times? If you believe, today is all you'll ever need. If you believe in me, today is all you'll ever need. If you believe, I won't let you down.