So my mom is out of town and I am home alone. I went to the mall and came home around 9 and there were cars parked all along my house. Mike had people over and it was fine. I invited my friends over too. I was going to have the girls stay over and leave in the morning but my mom tweaked cause I can't lie to her and I sent them home. There is so much more to it, but I can't explain it. Andrew and Kris were going to drop Kellie off at home so she wouldn't get in trouble and then come back and get me and take me out. But I couldn't go. I don't want to be in trouble anymore. I just can't wait until next summer, when I get to stay out and have my own place. I can have people over whenever I want all the time. I wish I was 18 and I had my own place. Follow your heart.

Mike bailed on me. He told me to take the car at 5 and then tells me he is using it until 5:30. The times comes and he calls and says he won't let me take it til 7. Which fucking blows because I was meeting people up there at 5:30. So it's going to fucking suck for me, being alone at the mall. Plus I get to pay for gas for Mike cause he's a dick. I'm learning what it's like to die on the outside.

My mom and Nana are away for the weekend, so I have the house to myself. Mike is letting me use his car tonight so I am going up to the mall with some friends. There really isn't anything much to talk about. Nothing is really going on. So I'll catch up with you later. Truth is not a secret.

I have to work the long shift today, 3 to 9. It's going to be a drag but whatever. Tomorrow I have the day off and I get my check. I am not doing anything tonight or really anything tomorrow either. I suppose I will just look to see who is around. Hopefully Mike paid his car payment so I can use it, but I doubt it. I am listening to the song Where You Want To Be by The Less, and it is probably my favorite. Here it is. How are you? Is it just another day Another way to hide your face And hope that they don't find you? Where are you? Are you going to make a move Or take a step, Or leave a mark Create a legacy or two? Come on you Got to act now, Got to move now, got to go Come on you know It's time for you to glow Don't you wait, don't you wait. Are you where you want to be? Are you where you want to be? Don't you think, don't you think? You could open up and see. Are you where you want to be? How are you? Are you living for today? Forget the yesterdays and Yesterways that confine you. Come on you know Somebody's on your side You and I will learn to fly It's what we were meant to do It's a new day There is a way to make it through.

Tell me that you love me, more than you ever have loved before. Because I do. I love Alexander Winchell more than life itself. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, will you marry me? I am listening to this song, Dependence by The Less. It's my favorite band and one of the best songs. A little lower than the angels You came to me A little lower than the heavens You found me You came to be a Pathway Just to lead me home Just to lead me home You stepped out of your beauty In thought of me And you laid down your glory And took my place for me But now you hold the Victory And you're leading me home You're leading me home So tell me how it's supposed to be I try it my way but I just keep falling down And you see past the things That try to cloud my view So will you be the voice inside That tells me how to make it through? I can depend on you A little lower than the angels A little lower than the heavens You set me free You came to give me comfort And you're leading me home And I feel so at home Here I go, here I'm found Lost somewhere in the rhythm And the sound of the Way you call out my name I'll never be the same All the doubt All the shame Is running all away now All the fear All the pain It shudders at your name.

I am so depressed it is not even funny. I can't function. All I want to do is cry. I hate being alone. I hate yesterday. I can't dwell on the past but what he said yesterday is just burned into my head and heart. I was planning on going to the beach on Thursday with my mom and Olivia, but of course my mom doesn't want to so we can't. I have no car to get out of the house. Kellie is on vacation, rachel is on vacation, taylor and haley are going on vacation tomorrow and they are spending all their time with each other til Sunday. It blows that I am not cared about to be honest. I never get invited places, not ever. I don't go on vacations with anybody. I sit inside my house and cry because I am not worth anything. Another way to hide your face and hope they don't find you.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed my luck, singing that song about Alex in the last post....really confused.

We are together, made for each other, we can stand alone. And now no one can touch us. So come on, come on, come on.

I am a little down today. I'm not sure why exactly, I was having a great day with my friends, but it all just changed so suddenly. I don't know why, but I am depressed. I don't want to talk to anybody, not even Alex. I have to work til 8:30 and after I will sit in my room and do nothing but cry due to the way I am feeling. Alex won't be home until midnight, he is going to a concert. So I am alone again. I am always alone... Are you where you wanna be?

I am in a very good mood. I am just all around happy right now. I have no reason not to be, or to be but I thought it would be a good change. I am always sad, always. Depressed mostly. Due to my physical appearance but I am working on it, I promise. I am trying to make myself feel better about everything. I am looking forward to this year of school. Showing everybody that I am not just a fat loser. I am Lindsey, the lovable, the cuddly, the sweetheart, the "everything I am looking for" girl. I want to be that. Until the day I met you.