So life has been quite stressfull. I have loads of homework, a wound that aches constantly, and a boyfriend who is not around. We are doing fine I suppose, but it gets hard. I am getting ready to lose a shit ton of weight after everything heals. I can't now cause of the pain. It looks awful too, my arms and my stomache. I am hoping to be at 170 by January. It will be really tough but I have to do it. I am going to stick to it. I am going to 2 proms this year so I need to lose it. I am fairly excited about it though, despite it being hard. I am going to run every day, either before or after work. I am going to eat all healthy and crap and everything. I wish that the world didn't depend so much on looks though, and weight. I'll live forever in a day.

Long and painful weekend. I have marks all over my body. I come home and talk to Alex, and all we do is fight. I am giving this relationship my all, and after this, I have nothing left, and I will not be with another person again. My body aches both physically and emotionally. My mental state is already fried.

Today was the first day of school. It was really good actually. I have friends in all of my classes, which is great. I was worried about that lol. These are the classes: Image Editing Psychology Algebra 2 Physics US History German 4 English 11 Gym Business Law They are fairly good classes. The teachers are nice, well the ones I have had so far. I have yet to meet the English teacher. But either way I am not too worried. This is junior year, and I am deff stepping up with my grades. I need to. You know I've got this friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky.

Why can't anybody love me? Why can't anybody just care? I am in the most pain I have been in, in a long time and nobody cares. Why can't I have a mother that loves me? And a father that's always around? Why can't anybody help me? Why can't anybody help me.. Well Septembers here and my friends have moved on.

I want to kill myself. Period.

So I am off to the beach this morning, it should be buckets of fun. Me and Rachel are going for a little while. The summer is over and I have only been to the beach once, THIS NONSENSE WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! If you don't expect that much from me, you might not be let down.

I did something. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it.

I am going to find you Ryan and Sean, that's a fact. And when I do, you are going to be sorry for what you have done. Don't speak again, I'm still waiting for my turn.

I am really upset. It was an alright day, but then it turned into crap. Mike got into a car accident on the highway. The car is totaled. My mom is constantly freaking out at me. I don’t know what to do. I was trying to tell Alex but he isn’t around to talk. She is yelling at me for all these things I have no control over. I can’t do anything right, not ever. I made Mac and Cheese for my brother and sister, two boxes. I get yelled at because my sister decides to eat something else after I have finished cooking it. So for my punishment I have to eat all that is left. One, I don’t like Mac and Cheese, and two; it makes me sick because I am allergic to dairy. My mom doesn’t care about that though. She doesn’t care that I am literally allergic to Mac and Cheese, she wants me to die. I walked over to talk to my Nana for the first time in a week and a half and I get screamed at for “missing” a phone call when the phone didn’t even ring! I don’t know what to do. I am emotional and I am just looking for help. I was so desperate that I asked Andrew what he was doing tonight, so that when my mom left for Vermont I had a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on though, nobody cares enough about me to be there for me. And I'm contemplating suicide.

I have never felt so used in my life. Somewhere out there is probably in pieces.