I am driving myself crazy. I have never met any of my boyfriends family and I am next weekend. I am stressing myself out so badly about my appearance, mostly my weight because we are going to the beach. I am resorting to old habits slowly, and I can feel myself doing it. I used to eat maybe a carrot a day, nothing else and then I struggled to eat more, even though I thought I didn't need it. Then I ate so much, I went on binges. I can't help it, I need to find a way to regulate everything. I am resorting back to not eating period, which is difficult to overcome. But I want to lose as much weight as I possibly can in the next week and a half, even though it won't be much, I need all the help I can get. I can go without food for a while. I've finally discovered what makes you tick.

So I talked to my mom, and I am so happy. I am going to Wildwood on August 1st to the 5th. I am so happy, I called Alex and he is stoked. His mom didn't believe him when he said that I was coming. I am coming on Saturday, early morning at 9 AM. We are going to go to church on Sunday so I can meet Larissa and Paul, Justin and Jimmy. It's pretty exciting. After church we will go to Wildwood, to the beach, and stay at the ocean house. I can already imagine it. I feel like I am going to cry, I finally get to meet everyone. I really wish that I was able to talk to Alex though, he is at camp until tomorrow afternoon. I miss him. I am really sick too. I dont know what from but all I know is that it's really bad. I just can't believe that I am finally going. I love him so much. You never take for granted, the ones you love.

I am Lindsey. I am 17 years old and a junior in high school. I live in Massachusetts. I love skinny jeans and tshirts. I love my hair when it is long and teased. I prefer my hair to be either really light blond or very dark brown. I wear black eye make up and listen to anything from Valencia to Escape the Fate to A Day Away to Eyes Set To Kill. I love the sun, and being tan. I drink iced tea like it is alcohol. Its my weak spot. I love being the center of attention sometimes, but at times I love to feel like I don't exist. I am crazy wild when you catch me at the right time. Know me. love me.

It's happening again, it's coming. I can feel it coming on again. Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive, I have purpose once again.

So this is great! I was written about in somebodies journal, who wasn't my friend from here. Yes, I am a nerd, I get excited by little things. I am getting ready for johnny's party this afternoon, while talking to Alex. He is in the car on his way home from South Carolina. I miss him so much. When my mom comes home today, I have to talk to her about going to Wildwood and meeting his family. I really want to. I hope she lets me. Its been a year, its about time. Ten miles wide.

things are shaky right now. I think that I need to find new friends to hang out with. I can't be with the same people all the time anymore. I can't do it. Save me from me.

So Mike was over last night, we had dinner and watched a movie. For all of you who don't know, Mike is my brother. He made steak tips and peas, and surprisingly it was really good. He wasn't drinking or anything, and he was really happy. We talked about our father, and the difference he is making in his life and how well he is doing. I love them both so much. Me and Mikes relationship is very awkward. We have been through a lot together, good and bad. Things that I can remember from when I was 9 and on. Everyone has bad memories, of fighting with their brothers and sisters, and so do I, but I have worse. Abuse, alcoholism, rape, douche dads, and disaster would just be on repeat through my life. I am not complaining about it, because it made me who I am now, a 17 year old girl who is applying to Dartmouth and University of Delaware for pharmaceuticals. We anyways, I have good ones with Mike too, and my father, like sleep overs where the drinking wasn't all that bad. I started speaking to my father in February of 2007, for the first time in 10 years. I spoke to him through letters for the most part, then I sent him and I never heard back. I got a letter in November of 2007, and he was in prison. I sent letters to him all the time from that point on, I wanted a relationship. Mike still wouldn't talk to him, because when I was younger and my dad was around, Mike was old enough to know what was going on. He was the one that suffered the abuse and everything that came with it. We have continued to talk and just recently he got out of prison early. He is in a half way house and was severely depressed, so again we stopped talking. But now we are all talking, which is good. I am not really sure I want to get into the rest of my life now, maybe another time. Its too much to think about at this point, some scars aren't healed yet, and I'm not sure they ever will be. You hardly recognize me, whats the deal? You hardly recognize the way you feel...

I really don't have anything to write about, but I am bored and it is 7:30 in the morning. I didn't talk to Alex much last night, which was a drag, but oh well. I just bought like a gazillion songs on iTunes today. It is beautiful outside, and therefore I am going tanning all day, I need some color. But I will take a two hour break for my run, I am finally getting back into it, despite these period cramps. Tonight I am going out to dinner for my birthday. My birthday was a while ago but oh well. While I was away, my older brother said he was going to "change my sheets" and when he lifted my bed from the box spring, he found all my condom wrappers from when Alex was over here, the last few times. He said something to me about them, but surprisingly he wasn't pissed off or anything. Which was good, but he is going out to dinner with everyone tonight so he will probably open his big mouth, not like it matters because they already know. But for sure he will say something to me about it when he takes just me out. Joy. Oh well, what can you do? I wonder how many late nights you spent between bed sheets, while I obsess over love we made.

So I was in vermont for the past weekend. Many things happened to me while I was there. The car broke down twice on the highway. We coasted down the hills off the side of the road and waited there for a mechanic at 11 at night. It was supposed to be done at noon today, the car, but it didn't get finished until 5, and therefore, I am here writing at 10:11. Another thing, is that Alex is in South Carolina for 10 days and therefore can't talk to me much. I am really lonesome. I never feel alone, until I am not talking to him. I am never alone, like I am now. Be anywhere but here, but baby anywhere is away from here.

In response to the slide, yes, yes I can, and I am. I over react at times is all. I am on my way to Vermont, I convinced my mom to wait for Kellie, so I am sitting here waiting for her to finally show up. My new iPod has THE shortest battery capacity. I played tap tap for 2 minutes and its down to 20%. Well jeez. I am going to the drive ins tonight, so I bought some stuff for there. I am going to Hanover tomorrow also, shopping and stuff. It should be fun. A love game.