So I took my license test this morning, and I failed. Awesome. They said I did everything perfect. Yet I failed. There was a flashing yellow light and a stop line and I stopped so they failed me. Great. So now I am on the phone, waiting for them to answer, I have been on it for a half an hour already. This is bullshit, and that stop shouldn't have made me fail, its not fair. So when I got home, I started crying and then my mom calls and starts yelling at me for not knowing when Kellie was getting out. She doesn't want to wait for Kellie, so I have to text her and tell her that she isn't coming now, thanks to me right? I just fucking suck, I fail at everything. I am just going to give up now, there is no use in trying to do anything.

So for a second post of the night, I decided to write about absolutely nothing. I am so bored, I have nothing to do but sleep, but I can't until I get Alex's phone call. I need to make sure he's safe. I posted all the pictures of us on myspace and facebook today, just now actually. If you decide you want to look at them, message me and I will friend you on there :) I have this one picture, that we are kissing, and it just makes me realize how much he means to me. Not just the physical stuff, but everything else too. Since I have been with him, I have changed so much. I am more mature, I am 17 and I act it. I have a steady job, and I am good at what I do. He has taught me so many things, like that I am so much better than doing drugs or drinking. He was there today when my dad called, and he knows how I get when he calls me. I didn't know what to say to either of them. But I am comfortable with Alex knowing everything. I made him breakfast this morning, pancakes and bacon. He was holding me the whole time, and thanked me more than imaginable after. We were so full. I don't think I can ever eat food again. I eat so much. I am starting my kick ass diet tomorrow. I am trying to lose as much weight as I can before I meet the family. I have gained since last summer, which sucks cause I was doing so well. But I know I can do it, if I just push a little harder. I think that if I get my license it will be easier because I can go to the gym every day, like I wished I could. I need to get back down to my 7 jeans. Jeez its been a long time since I have been that thin. Hopefully I will be a 7 by the time school starts back up in September. I am going to try so hard. I have a new iPod, so I can use the arm strap while I run. I love running. I love working out. I feel so good after. But most of all, I want to be thinner by the time I go to Wildwood with Alex in August. I want to walk on the beach in my bathing suit and shorts while I hold his hand, and for once in my life not be worried about my appearance, not worried about being a whale. He tells me that I am not, and that I am so beautiful but I don't feel that way. I just want to feel beautiful for once, on my own. I am a tall girl, I am 5'9 and I have a muscly build, like my dad's mom. I am tough and I look it at times. The average weight for my "type" is around 160, and I am over it. Not by too much but by enough. And it sucks. And I hate it. I wish people didn't care so much about looks in this world, everyone would be happy, and people wouldn't go into depression or have eating disorders. Of course, we don't live in a world like that, and we never will. But I can dream. I am not sure why but I feel like this is the post that I am supposed to tell everybody about my life, and what I have gone through, what I am living with, my past and all the nightmares that come with it. But I think that this post is long enough so I will leave all of that for another day. Don't it make you sad to know that life, is more than who we are?

I just dropped Alex back at the airport, I already miss him more than imaginable. I am really really sad that he is gone, but I didn't cry, for the first time. These past 3 days have been the best of my life, and I will never forget them. We have been dating for a year on the 4th of August, and I am really excited about that. He spoke to my mom today, about coming to Wildwood with him, and she said that I probably could. Which makes me very happy, because I get to meet his mom and his sisters. I talk to them all, but I have never met them. We are really serious now though, so I think it is about time. Anyways, I have these gigantic hickies on my chest and my neck, My shirt and hair cover them, so it's alright. I am just so exhausted from staying up late and getting up early. I got my check today, 212 dollars for the past week. I have my license test tomorrow, so I get to pay 60 for that. Hopefully I get it, but I guess we will see. Just excuse me, this won't take long.

Its my birthday, and I had lots of sex. awesome :) Hey jealousy.

Today is the day. Alex is coming, and my party is tonight. I am really stoked. I am going out to breakfast, so is Alex, then his flight is at 11. I am going to breakfast then back home to get ready then going to pick him up. We are going to hang out with Kellie and James after and then my party is tonight. I am so excited. i like to dance all night, summons the day.

TOMORROW. 'nough said. Lookin for some hot stuff baby this evening.

The sun is out today again, I will forever rant about it. I will never take sun for granted again. I hope it stays out a lot this week, for when Alex comes. I would really like that. Well, its the morning after the 4th of July, and I am simply exhausted. I haven't been to this party before, yet I was like the highlight of it, weird. I got licked, bitten, punched, smacked, my boobs rubbed, a couple tattoos, burned by a firework, and a head up against my crotch. We talked about licenses, hysterectomies, vasectomies, throwing little kids down stairs a couple times a week, we watched a firework exploded on the ground and blow up a swing set, and watched an old guy talk about having two balls. This is one of those days that I probably will not forget. Oh you, your sex is on fire

Today is the 4th of July. For the first time in a month, the sun is out to stay, and I am going to numerous outdoor parties. I am going to my friend Tay's at noon, then I have to work. But after wards I am going to Nashua to stay at my aunts for a portion of the night. I am going to enjoy today, I know it. The sun is shining, I am hanging out with friends and doing what I love. Along with all that is going on today, today is my anniversary. Eleven months devoted to the same sweetheart. Tuesday he is coming home. Just 3 more days. Tuesday. My seventeenth birthday is on Wednesday. At least I get to spend it with him. We are having a party on Tuesday and then Wednesday we are having our special date. We are going to get all dressed up and he is taking me shopping for whatever I want, to a fancy dinner and to a late movie, and then back to my house for the night. I am so excited for it. This is what I need, to get my mind off of everything bad that has ever happened. When I turn jet black and you show off your light, I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine.

Today seems to be going off well. I misread my schedule and now i realize that I get to work until 4:30 today. I am going out to breakfast before I go. Me and my mother are on weird terms now, I am not sure whats going on. But when we get like we do, I feel like she is wearing me out, I connect going home with torture. Anyways, Darling is coming in 5 days not including today and my birthday is in 6 days. I am really excited, for more than one reason. 1) I get to see my baby for the first time in 8 months. 2) When he is here I am going to have sex a gazillion and a half times. Which is awesome. Well anyways its time for me to go. With the moon I run, far from the carnage of the fiery sun.

This is life. Perfect but shitty. Its great but I hate it. My birthday is a week from today, the 8th. Darling is coming home on the 7th, and it is thrilling. I found out that I am possibly going to a few concerts this summer. I am going to Warped Tour, well who knows if I want to go or not, its pretty crappy. And I am going to see Kings of Leon with Mike, Ryan and Kevin. I am pretty stoked. They will get trashed and i will be the one driving home. Woohoo for designated drivers. She took my heart, I think she took my soul.