I was sitting down eating my bagel chips and my Nana comes over and frankly just says how fat I am. She says all I do is eat. I don't eat a lot. I eat just as much as the next person. Yeah, I am not the skinniest thing on earth but I am sure as hell not the fattest. I am trying to lose weight, I am trying. Granted I am not able to go around running everywhere to lose all of my weight, but when I have time I do run. I have lost weight in the past few months, but obviously you don't care about it. Just love me for who and how I am, or don't love me at all.

I am going to try this new thing, called introspection. I am going to write down everything that comes to mind within a certain amount of time. This will help me if I am stressed out or upset because it will release my inner most feelings, even surpressed feelings. The first will be right now. To the song: Into Your Arms- The Maine and Apologize- Silverstein Sometimes I feel like you love me. Sometimes I don’t. I know you love me, you say it every day. There are three men in my life, who mean absolutely everything to me. I want them to be around foreer, and hopefully they will. I love them all but with him, he asks me to do things that I really should not be doing. I shouldn’t be the only reason keeping you out of jail. I shouldn’t be the only one around to help you. I should be the person you turn to for help, but only for help. He is so important to me. Building a relationship with him is a top priority now that he’s going to be around again. I am going to college the summer after next and I will not be around, I will be gone. Oh and He, he is amazing. He is my everything. My world. He is everything that has ever meant anything to me. I don’t want him to ever leave, not ever. The only thing that I can’t stand is when we argue. Every day. I try not to. With school it is even more difficult to control my anger. I know things would be so much easier if he were just around. I wouldn’t be so tempted. I wouldn’t do the things I do. I wouldn’t fight as much as I do. I feel depressed. I am carrying the weight of the earth and the moon on my shoulders, and it’s taking its toll on me. My family life is going down, even more than I hoped for. My relationship with family is going down. My friends are thankfully going up. My best friends will always be there for me. Always. As I am for the. Let me run with you tonight, I’ll take you on a moonlight ride.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has their private world Where they can be alone Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you I'm just so fucking depressed I just can't seem to get out this slump If I could just get over this hump But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up And in order for me to pick the mic back up I don't know how or why or when I ended up this position I'm in I'm starting to feel dissin' again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and try to make an attempt to vent But I just can't admit Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet And I know some shit's so hard to swallow But I can't just sit back and wallow In my own sorrow but I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow But you'd have to walk a thousand miles In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others' minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others' eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything's so tense and gloom I almost feel like I gotta check The temperature of the room Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me And so I try to avoid any eye contact 'Cause if I do that then it opens the door For conversation, like I want that I'm not looking for extra attention I just wanna be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of 'em ain't even funny like Ha! Marshall you're so funny man You should be a comedian, god damn!" Unfortunately I am I just hide behind the tears of a clown So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you Nobody asked for life to deal us With these bullshit hands we're dealt We gotta take these cards ourselves And flip 'em, don't expect no help Now I could've either just sat on my ass And pissed and moaned Or take this situation in which I'm placed in And get up and get my own I was never the type of kid To wait by the door and pack his bags I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed For a dad to show up who never did I just wanted to fit in Every single place, every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid Even if it meant acting stupid And Edna always told me Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue tryna talk like that 'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole At 8 years old I learned my lesson then 'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description 'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin It's probably 110% different I guess we would have to walk a mile In each others shoes at least What size you wear? I wear 10's Let's see if you can fit your feet In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has their private world Where they can be alone Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you Yeah, to my babies Stay strong, daddy will be home soon And to the rest of the world God gave you shoes to fit you So put 'em on and wear 'em Be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

I had a fairly good night tonight. I went to the Pink concert which was really good and for the most of the trip, it was great but certain parts just really sucked. I argued with a friend more than once. It sucks because I understand some of what they are upset about but the other times it not even about them and yet they get involved. Its not their place to yell at me and another because we aren't including them, even though I really am and every time I tried to start a convo they gave me a one word answer and blow me off. I get accused of sulking and such for no reason, other than being quiet because I have nothing to say. I get yelled at for cracking a joke with my other friend. I just hate this because if it's not your business then stay out of it. I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody did. Mmm, whatcha say? Mmm that it's all for the best.

I am crazy swamped with homework and clubs and work. I am in this club called DECA and it takes up the majority of my time come this winter. I am doing tons of homework before progress reports to make sure that I have a good grade in every class. I am doing pretty well actually, with the exception of English class. I am good at english but my teacher is difficult at grading and so it is hard. Vocabulary is the worst. 60 on the first quiz. I am making up for it though, with the reading quizzes and other vocabulary quizzes and some pojects. I am surprisingly doing amazing in Algebra 2, which is crazy but I am. I have the highest grade out of the 4 classes. Which is great. I went to Rhode Island to visit some colleges this past weekend, URI, Roger Williams and Salve Regina. I LOVED Roger Williams. URI and Salve Regina were just boring. It is definitely that school that I want to apply to. I am going to look at University of Delaware, but it is hard to get into but if I like it I will try. If not I am going to Roger Williams. I am in DECA and for that group I have to dress up in formal attire so I just got maybe 20 different dress pants and I am going to get some shirts next weekend. They are all a size smaller than I am so I am trying to lose 10 pounds by the end of October, which should be fine, I just have to run and maintain my diet for the next month. I hope I can do it. I know I can. Anyways, I have to read for homework so I must be going. I'm awake and I'm alive.

I have had it with the male race. I found out things that nobody would believe. Why does this happen to everyone I love? Everything bad happens because of guys. I have had it with all of them. Rape, abuse, verbal and physical abuse. I have had it. I will never stay quiet again. Never again. Not after what I have been through. I found out rape. I know what thats like. I was raped. Now it's happening to somebody I care about and they can't stand up for themselves, so I will. I will not let this happen again. If it does, I will kill him. I would usually write song lyrics here but I cannot today, there is no song that could possibly express my anger about this. Just remember that I will get you, I will get you if your do this.

is killing him. I know it is. I think he is back on the drugs. I am pretty sure he is. Not by the way he is acting but he leaves in a car with somebody for maybe 5 minutes and then comes back. I haven't seen him doing anything, but I can feel it. I am going to say something to him soon. I need to know. he already got help once, but if he's back on he needs the help. He already told me that he knew a thousand numbers in his head that he could call at any time... I hope he didn't. I'll be crushed. All you do is up and go.

So everything was going perfectly fine, up until about 3 hours ago. We started arguing again. And it hurts. I understand that he was mad that I said what did, but it wasn't bad, it was just saying that he jumps to conclusions. There isn't anything wrong with that, I was just pointing it out. He doesn't understand that it hurts me when he says thing like I always treat him terrible and it bother me when he displays our relationship problems on Myspace bulletins and AIM status. But it does. I am not too sure what to do, and it is really difficult for me. I just wish that everything was better. I wish that I never fought with anybody and nobody ever fought with me. I wish I was just perfect. A perfect girl, student, daughter, girlfriend, a perfect everything. If your heart just isn't in it, I don't want it for a minute.

Today was just like every other day. School is going well, at least I think it is. My friends and I are getting much closer, and I am spending more time with them, which I enjoy. I have spent the past few nights looking at colleges that I would like to go visit this year. I have been searching a bunch of colleges but it always brings me back to University of Delaware. I really like the school and the programs it offers. I want to major in Hospitality Management because I want to be the manager of a chain of hotels or a resort. I am taking to PSAT's in October and I am hoping that I can get a high grade on them. Anyways, I should be going, I have to do homework and I am still looking at schools. Oh no, I don't know what to say to make you stay, to make you stay.

I feel like everything has changed. All Alex ever tells me anymore is that I am a bitch and a jerk and all this stuff. All this arguing about me asking him not to call because I am sick. It always turns into, you are such a bitch to me and you never care about me and all that jazz. He sits there and cries telling me this, as I sit here and half listen while my eyes glaze over. Now he knows how it feels. Now he knows what he has put me through for over a year now. On top of that I find out that all of his family wants us to break up and apparently he wants to too? Awesome. Adam won't talk to me either. I don't know why but he just won't. It makes me really upset because I enjoyed talking to him. he made me feel better about myself. But I don't have somebody like that anymore. I am done with everything. I have lost everything anyways. Its better that I just die, it would be so much easier, so pull the trigger, Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet.