Cheated on me. Lied to me. Held everything from me. And won't let me do anything about it. Another girl had her hands down his pants. He called and told me that he had gone to her house, and I told him that I was upset because he didn't tell me before he went. But he called me a while later, saying "I went there and she had her hands down my pants." But the thing is, he didn't tell me. He doesn't tell me anything. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to cope. I dont know if I can deal with this, with me coming there to see him in 2 weeks. But I can't do this. I can't let something like this happen and then not do anything to defend myself. To say what she has stolen from me. He says he won't hang out with her, he wont be friends with her. But I dont care about later, I care about now. Right before we started dating, he hooked up with her, she did this before, and he chose me. 2 years later, she has a baby and this happens again. I can't deal with this. My mental set isn't strong enough for this. I am not strong enough for this to happen again. And though it may hurt when your heart's broken in two, that didn't stop me from falling in love with you.

I love my friends. Some are mature....others are extremely immature. Some of them try to act 30 and some of then realize that they are litle kids and embrace it. The worst type of person is the kind who races, the one who thinks everything is a race, the kind that is the most immature of all. It's funny but when I think about it, I know that those people will never change.

Yeh I know, I am a nerd. Currently listening to Mariah Carey hahaha. But now I'm finished. So today I am feeling much better, I am going to the mall with Jess and Kellie. Tonight I am going to a party, should be a good time. Maybe I could lose myself a little bit. I am in a good mood too, not fighting with anyone, feeling confident. Kellie has the Simulation Baby for Child Development, so we are gunna go to the mall to get dirty looks :) I already did that, hahaha. Except the weekend I had the baby Alex's dad died and I was having a really hard time. Well anyways, I am getting ready to leave, so I should go. KAYTHANKSBYE. I look so good without you.

I am fucking miserable. My friends fucking suck. My boyfriend hates me. My life just fucking sucks. I like to be involved in stuff but usually I don't even get asked. I don't do anything wrong. I love how greg is the only person who asks me if I want to do something this weekend. My " best friends" didn't even bother asking. Either it was " she has to work" or " there is no room for her anyways." I fucking love it. I don't even know what to do. I am just sittin here crying. I can't even talk to alex because I am so upset. But no matter how upset I am going to get, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Everyone has their own new beat friends.... What do they need from me now? Well thanks greg. For being the only one who gives a damn.

I met up with him, for the first time in 9 years. Today was a great day. I had fun. But I am shocked. I saw his face and I didn't remember him. I didn't remember what he used to be like, what he used to look like. I didn't remember anything. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Nobody understands how this feels. Nobody will ever understand. I am breaking down. I am starting to fall apart. Well I remember the first day...

I don't really know what is happening. People are drifting away from me. And honestly I do care, but I don't do much about it. Its a choice to cease being friends with somebody. I haven't made that choice, instead I am just making friends with many people, I mean when I leave this town, I want to have a reason to come back. I am doing well in school, almost on honors. I am trying to get myself back on track, but I just keep slipping off. Thursday I am going to see my dad. It doesn't sound like a big deal but this will be the first time in 9 years that I have seen him. I am happy, but also nervous, simply because I have to let somebody else into my life, somebody else who I am going to have to put my faith in. I put my faith in so much, in so many people, but somehow I always seem to get knocked down. Well I don't have anything to say really. So I guess I will just go. I'm always looking back on our scripted memories.

So off on another fight again, her and him. Of course nobody wants to hear what the other person has to say. Its depressing when your own family will turn on you, turn on you and blame you, when all you are trying to do is get by. I don't steel. I don't do drugs. I do well in school. I am going to be the first person in my family to make something of myself, to go to college. It just honestly sucks when your own brother goes and frames you for something he did. It sucks that I can't trust anyone. Anyways, I think its coming back. I just want to throw up, after everything. After everything I eat, after everything that makes me upset. After everything. I don't know what to do. The colder's coming to take it's place.

I am upset. Do I have a right to be? Am I justified? He went to a party and slow danced with her. I know its not a big deal, because they are friends. But I never slow danced with anyone. I am jealous a bit I suppose. But I love him, and it gets me honestly upset. It's not a big deal, but to me it is, to me it is. Of all the people it could have been, it was her. It was her. It, was her. I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know how to tell you why I cannot speak to you. Ian incapable of speak to you. I am upset. I have a right to be. I am justified. I want an out from the pain.

I WROTE A HUGE LONG THING AND I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE SUBJECT SO IT GOT ERASED AND NOW ITS GONE. >:[

So today, I am home sick with the flu. Its not swine so dont be alarmed. I am really tired. I woke up at 3:30 AM and have been up since then. My back hurts. I have a splitting headache. My tummy hurts. I can't eat anything because I am on the verge of barfing. I can't take my meds because I can't stomach them. Every time I cough, I feel like I am coughing up a lung. I am having a hard time breathing. I am just a wreck. I can't sleep either. If I try, it hurts my back, so I roll to my tummy, and that hurts. When I was awake at 3:30 AM I started thinking about the 4th kind. I was working myself up over nothing, for I do not live in Nome, Alaska. So I got up and I started to play some poker online. It killed some time. It is 10:55 and I have nothing to do. I have already watched 21 twice. I took a shower/bath, I cleaned. Now I have to try to relax, but it doesn't seem to be working too well. I never felt so all alone. I can barely breath