Baby catch me if you can. Its the first snow day of the year, and thank God for it. I love snow days on Wednesday's, they break up the week just perfectly. This week was going to be a 4 and a half day week for me but now its only a 3 and a half day week. Two days down and 1 and a half days left. I am off to spend the weekend with Alex. It couldn't be at a better time either. I have made up with Rachel, which is good, I really hope that we can get back to where we used to be. I am not doing much, other than chores. I will probably go downstairs and eat lunch after this but then I have to clean out my closet, which is going to suck. Well I am going to go, since I really don't have much that I want to write about. I will write again when I come back, if not before I leave. xoxo Lindsey p.s. I really don't want to come back.

I've been looking in the mirror for so long. That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side. All the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me, Too sharp to put back together. Too small to matter, But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces. If I try to touch her, And I bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe no more. Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well. Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child. Lie to me, Convince me that I've been sick forever. And all of this, Will make sense when I get better. But I know the difference, Between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, Which of us do you love. So I bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe no... Bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe, I breathe- I breathe no more.

Yeah, the James thing did happen. On top of that i am no longer friends with Rachel. The thing is though, they don't understand. I never said they had to do something. They never we're in my place. They think they know. I am all happy in school, only because I don't want people to see that I am really upset. When I am alone I cry. Almost every time I am alone. I have been there for everyone, through everything. No matter who they are. But when they turn around on me and betray me, I will not stand for it. This is not my fault. I did nothing to deserve this. I didn't tell you to talk about me behind my back, I didn't tell you to be a fake friend, I didn't tell you to use me, I didn't tell you to break up with him. For once in my life I would like somebody to tell me that I did the right thing, that what I am doing makes sense and I am not to blame. But no matter what, I always will be to blame. Even if it's because of somebody else doing something that hurts me. They will get scolded but you will stay with them, you would put beside your friend. And in the case that you leave him, and pick our friend, I will always be to blame. I will always be responsible for your pain, along with my own.

Last night I had this dream, It was the most amazing thing. There we were standing side by side, Just like the past 12 months. And in a sea of wishfull thinking, You know I pray to god, Time i spent forever in this moment, and never have to wake up.

its funny how you think you are getting away with this. It is funny how you think that next time I see you, I am not going to hit you. It's funny how fed the fuck up I am with this. I heard that and I was mad. I escalated from mad to PISSED. And escalated from pissed on hurt. Everything it going down. I am going to kill you. I can't believe you said that, I cant believe you posted it to everyone. I told you kellie, I told you he would say something about it. i told you. and I was right I am hurt even more by some of my other friends, one of them treating me like shit for the past 2 weeks, who used to be my best friend, but is no longer. And the other, just can't help. I know that this isn't her fault. I know it isnt. But how could you be with somebody who does that to you best friends? That doesn't even make sense. All in all, I am finished. I am finished with people who are my friends but do nothing more than hurt me. I have spent my afternoon crying, but no more. I have more fury trapped inside me than I know how to deal with. Stay away from me. Stay as far away from me as you can.

I am so stressed out, and nobody understands that. I have this job and I work fairly often. I don't make that much money and with the money I have made, I have spent it. I had about 600 dollars saved, from just me. I get no help from family with saving money. Nothing. This year I needed all new clothes, mine are old and broken. I needed to buy work clothes, business clothes. I went through my 600 dollars paying for my entire school year on my own. I have 85 dollars left in my savings account. Tomorrow I have to hand in a 45 dollar check to my school and I have to pay for it. I have another 10 dollar check going into school and I have to pay for it. 55 dollars. 55 dollars I don't have. I live off of my weekly pay check, usually of about 50 dollars. My mom refuses to help me. I don't get help from anybody. All I do is give out money for things that have to be done, or to my brother, who always says he is going to pay me back, but never does. I try to help people when they need me, and I usually manage to do so. But when all I want is help to pay for school, help to pay for something so I don't just quit, I can't get it. On top of that, my mom thinks I broke my nanas computer, because it mysteriously stopped working. So she is talking about taking away my laptop and giving it to her. I haven't gotten my period and I can't start my pills til I get it, so I just keep stressing out. I cry more often every day. Alex is IMing me and trying to help but I can't listen to it. He says the same thing over and over again. He sits there telling me not to stress out when he is a major contributing factor. I just can't stand being like this anymore. I am stopping spending all money after Christmas. I am stopping going on visits. I am stopping talking to people who don't care about me. I am done putting up with all of this. I need everything to end. I am thinking about just killing myself. I hate my family for the most part, my friends when they are just assholes and people just around me. I know there are people out there who care about me, they just never show it. But anyways, its too late now, I am gone.

nothing new. I'll write again when there is something to say.

I had my GYN appointment today. Starting my pills on Sunday. Excited to see alex for the first time in a long time.

Welllllllllll, I am in a happy mood today! I am going to work until 6 but after that I am going to a rock show, at the Parish, which should be fun. Everyone is going. Haley and Mike, Taylor, Sutton, Gabe, Marissa....I know there are sooo many more people but I forget lol. I am staying at Taylors after and tomorrow I have arranged for a billion people to go to the movies and out to lunch. Eekkk everything is just going to be so fun! There are maybe 10 people going and it is exciting because its a chance for us all to hang out and just be happy. After that I am going to work until 8:30 and then staying over Haley's house so I can watch ICE SPIDERS! Inside joke. We love Sci-fi i love you

Yah, I have a low one. It is Thanksgiving and I thought I might dress up a little bit. i was trying all these clothes, but nothing seemed right. I feel huge, like I am 400 pounds. So I got upset and then took them all off and got back into my jeans and tshirt. I feel better in them. I feel more beautiful in them. Alex only sees me in my jeans and tshirts so he enforces the casual beauty. His dance is on December 11th, and I am going there. It's a formal dance so I have a dress for it, but he has never seen me in a dress like that. After the dance I think we are going out to dinner with some of his friends and if that is really what we do, I think I will probably bring my jeans and a tshirt to change into in the car. I'll throw it by him. I haven't gotten my period yet, it a little late. I think it's because of stress though. I am hoping not to get it til Wednesday next week simply because I have my first GYN appointment on Tuesday and I am getting the pill. Well anyways, Mike is being really annoying. I want to kick him. I have to go. I walk, I crawl, losing everything from a downfall.