it was so good to see him today. maybe im getting too attached.. every time i see him i miss him more and more when he leaves. i dont want to be like that, i dont want to be clingy; i dont want to love him because i dont want to get hurt. but im going to get hurt. oh god. on another semi-mal note, people need to keep their bullshit in their colostomy bags. im done, please. let me and the rest of my friends be done with it as well. why am i falling. why am i falling. somebody pick me up.

dont wake me, i plan on sleeping in. i love how bitter i am. fuck! i could hold a grudge for an eternity, and i hate for the littlest things. but i dont want to be any different, and i love to hate. which is a little funny, considering im terrified of ending up alone. maybe thats why.. anyways, i have a plate of hot banana bread to my left and a swollen arm to my right. its a semisweet day. everyone in this house sucks. the hate is so toxic. i cant breathe. but you let me out. somehow, i dont think you will stay. no matter what you say. nobody stays. forever means nothing to me anymore. maybe thats why; maybe thats why im so bitter.

i figure seventy five percent of people end up alone. statistically, anyway. think about it. also, ive come to find that burnt bridges should stay burned. once you cut someone from your life, you shouldnt let them back in. you did cut them for a reason. unless of course youre just acting like a petty b.. im bitter i learn this shit the hard way. anyway. today shall be slow. schoolwork. i think ill call somebody. yeah.

not today. monday or tuesday. but then again i probably cant and wont anyway. this is so much more important.
its closed and locked but If you open that door, it wont be yesterday when, before the days of collapsing, and ill stand through all these lines just to make it back to you
im not sure, how hard ive fallen at this point. i dont know how hard hes fallen. i cant doubt this time, i cant doubt him and i cant stop myself. its too risky, i either doubt him and paranoia takes over and we end, or i stop myself and nothing becomes of us, and we end. so it all comes down to trust. the hardest thing in the world for me.
please make it worth it.

it was a wonderful day. oh my word. however, jess and i have decided we need to meet new people show monday with the boyfrann. im excited. love.

i really like my life right now. i am, to be honest, a little confused about how "best friends" can fall apart in an instant due to misconceptions and immaturity. but hey, its high school. and for the most part im happy. ive got some true good friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and my fishie. quintessence of happiness; for me, as it is. right now im happy. content. ive got things to look forward to, and things to be chill about. all of which dont suck, for once. schools okay, my teacher totally gave me a free pass for the rest of the year. my other teacher can suck a huge hairy dick though (but im almost too positive he would like that). i am happy. oh what it feels like to be alive.

just kidding. blood tests today, woo. testing for arthritis, rheumatoid problems, and lymes. awesome alternatives, dont you think? as for things prior to therapy tonight, (aside from total body paralysis haha) im doing pretty good. im happy. we will see how things go tonight.

so ive decided to just write at the end of the day, so i dont write eighty journals a day posting every trivial aspect of my life. (con't) i guess theres plenty of things i have to say, i just dont want to. i dont want to deal with drama anymore, im done with it. i dont want to worry anymore, but i guess i dont have a choice. bleh. im happy though, happy with my relationship, happy with the way things are going. as ironic as that might be. but even still, i cant really complain. for the first time in a long time i actually feel good about burning bridges. be it quite a few, and quite a good few, i know that it is what i need right now. i cant stay in those relationships, nor do i want to. you want out, you get out. thats all there is to it. i cant.. i cant deal with making everyone happy anymore. im hurt. im always hurt, and its time that changed. chances are it wont, because somewhere along the line the tightrope im walking on will snap. but im praying it holds. (great metaphor, no?) on a slightly more intriguing note, i get blood work done tomorrow. im either expecting it to be nothing and just my muscles acting up again, or really bad news where somewhere along the lines i will end up wheelchair bound with full body paralysis. exciting. i should be going. i shouldnt even be here, to be honest. but fuck you. in the words of cartman, i do what i want.