olive garden + one month + amazing boyfriend = perfect day. thats all ive got to say.

please stop caring. itll be better for you in the long run. and also, i am in pain again. either the infection isnt gone or i really do have rheumatoid problems. i go to the hospital june seventeenth. im surprisingly not nervous, i sort of just want to go through this alone. im having awful health this month. first the infection, then the pain, i have a small gash on my hand, and ive been sick twice. well, i suppose it could be worse. im going to go take my painkillers. theyre my favorite.

if you want the truth, im sorry. im sorry for everything. i just couldnt fight anymore. im not that strong. but im here, you know im here, if you want. i just couldnt fight. i cant. i dont mean half the things i say i just never thought itd be this way. the hour long calls in the middle of the night, handed over in the week long fights. i just dont what else to say. i know words cant fix what ive done, what anyone has done. and i know that if we, all of us, are ever going to be fixed that its going to take so much. i just cant stand this change.. i cant deal with it. im terrified of growing up. i feel like Holden.. if i cross the street, ill disappear.

my tv is crackling and its pissing me off. im in an okay mood right now. but not a great one, due to my boyfriends ever changing plans and my aching joints. i dont know why im so mad right now. i still need someone to talk to. i dont see my therapist for another two weeks. school group for another week. none of my friends are really around until tomorrow, and my boyfriend already tried to help. i got an email from a user on here, i really appreciate it. having someone new and very friendly to talk to. youve got my contacts, hit me up.

i need somebody to talk to. i need somebody to talk to. please tell me that im right, and that i didnt do this wrong. please, somebody tell me you would have done the same thing in my position. i need so much help. i miss everything so much, why the fuck does everything have to change. WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING I HAVE TO CHANGE. please help me. you know who you are out there.

so i get my third cancer shot today. fuck that shit, i didnt even want it. my doctor was like, "were going to stick this really huge needle into your arm so you dont get cancer, not like you will anyway but we want your money, and if you dont want this shot, suck my balls." im paraphrasing. but basically. i didnt want this stupid shot, i have enough medications in my body that i dont need yet another useless one. like the fuckin tetanus shot? because all i do is go around in scrap yards and play pin the nail in rachels leg. erryday. the flu shot, okay fine. i dont like being sick and im not a fan of shitting out my nose, so okay. i dont like medicine. anyway, other things are good. i dont like how people carry out problems. i dont know, im happy right now. i saw boyfriend yesterday, it pretty much made my whole week. i dont have much to say about it, except my father likes to jump to conclusions thinking we fucked on his bed. a. we didnt fuck b. i climbed out on the roof two hours before salvatore was even here. i dont know why im explaining myself to you, whoever you are. although even if you dont know me at all, im pretty sure i have some explaining to do. ive come to terms that whoever reads this journal is gonna read it. so whatever babe. hit me up aim: stay x brutal email: xxemptyspacesxx@yahoo.com only things i respond to.

all i ask, all i ask.. i miss my boyfriend. it sort of sucks that we live in separate towns but at least i do get to see him at least a few times a week. i hope i get to see him today, but anyway.. my head is pounding and theres nothing i can do about it because i cant take more than one of my painkillers and i cant mix them with any other painkiller. if my brother would stop screaming his bloody fucking face off.. buttfuck. also, i walked to ayer yesterday. its an hour by car, two by train tracks. i had to knock on somebodys door to find out what town we had ended up in. it was funny, but awful. because who the fuck lives in ayer? anywho. im not sure why ive been wanting to beat everybodys face in recently. honestly, if someone even so much as says something to me like shut up i just want to take a crowbar to their teeth. or even a bat to their cranium. who knows! so aside from rachel going crazy.. theres really nothing to say.

i told him everything. i told him how i felt, but i told him i couldnt put it into words, but he made me tell. so i told him everything. he said that he loved me, in the true sense of the word i then asked him if he was in love with me. he said yes. he said yes. he told me that he loved me unconditionally and that he always would. i know the impact i have had on his life, and im well aware of the impact he has had on mine. its nothing small, and its nothing that anyone can tell me isnt worthy of love. i never expected this, not in a million years. if you had asked me last summer what i thought was going to become of us i would have said dirt nothing; my answer has changed, and now im wondering if its even real. i keep thinking he cant, he cant love me. it cant be the way i want it to be. but he tells me that it is. and i trust him. please dont hurt me.

its late, i should be asleep, but i dont feel right. i dont feel finished. do you ever get that feeling that something is bothering you, but you just dont know what? and then you drive yourself around in circles until you figure it out.. but by the time you figure it out its already too late or you just dont care anymore? well, im not really sure where im at. i think that tomorrow will help me get back on my feet. spending the day with some friends, then sleeping over. carnival, and then dinner sunday with my boyfriend. i dont really see anything offputting in that equation, but this drama thing is really grinding on my nerves. if everyone would just shut up amd realize that no matter how fake they are, or how petty, or immature, or whatever, that at some point people are going to see through them and just be done. you are so fucking fake wash your mascara down the drain and put away your pretty victorias secret dresses, and come out with your fucking fists swinging. i never knew that this is who you were, or who you could be. and i think, i think thats why im upset. because i never knew you were fake. and you, well, i always knew you were six but hey, diggin' yo tag team. too bad nobody else is. anyway, i should probably go to bed. i should probably do (and not do) a lot of things. id love to play russian roulette sometime. ill cheat the cylinder by six, though. just to make sure i win.

and so ensues another chapter in my life. we fucked, we toasted, to new beginnings and to good health. i talked to my therapist about my whole situation. but its funny because i dont really remember what she said. some days, i want to just forget everything, my whole life, everyone in it, and just bask in the sun by the ocean; pure bliss. but other days, i want to be so fully surrounded by the people in my everyday life who make me feel so happy that i just want to explode. (and this is why rachel takes celexa) anyway. this SoCo is burning up my throat, and im tired, and my thoughts are wearing me thin. to those who care, i love you.