in house suspension today. it was so much fun! we had a really cute sub at first, and i filled up almost my entire drawing book. six hours of drawing, talking, listening to music, and hanging out. legit. also, beach next month! im wicked excited, going with greg jess sal jon and jen. well, or so we hope. swimming tomorrow, and getting my hair cut. boyfriend today, for like, twenty minutes, but whatever. im still just happy i get to see him. summers coming, which mean skating is too. currently im working up to one hundred fifty dollars, for a new deck, trucks, bindings, and wheels. woo! also, i love wifeswap.

these are my final thoughts, my succession from the union, if you will. I was lied to, betrayed, and hurt. But as all friendships end, it was very much expected. If anybody was "harassed" in this situation, it was me; i was done one month ago. But no, you couldnt make up your mind, and you couldn't shut your fat mouth. but i digress. i think that, in the whole, every single person was in the wrong, some more than others, sure. but overall, i do not regret a single word ive said, nor do i owe a single apology. im sixteen years old, not six. however, i wish that the two of you had acted that way as well. the rumors you spread, and the chit chatting you do behind my back is quite enjoyable, to be quite frank. but you have to grow out of diapers sometime, dont you? lindsey: for the entirety of our friendship, we hadnt fought once. we were the quintessence of friendship. but i suppose all good things must come to and end. so i wish you luck, and i hope you have a good seventeenth birthday , and i wish you and alex well. kellie: seeing as your not out of pullups yet, ill use small words. shut up. as for our "friendship" (my god i love quotaions) i dont think a close one ever really existed. which is fine, but it also gives you the bullshit hand when you try to spread rumors about me. i just thought you might like to know that. and to all of my true friends, thank you. i needed you and you came to support me. you rejected the lies and you stood up for me. i love you guys. and this is the end.

so, why just take everything i said to you and repeat it to me? id love for you to just shut the fuck up, but you being exactly like your mother, you just cant do that now can you. well, heres to the last word, its up for the taking. because for all i care you can shove it up your ass and have it get lost in that never ending abyss. now for the purpose im here. stupid boyfriends with stupid moms. stupid moms with stupid.. stupid. fuck, i dont know. i dont even know why im upset, i still get to see him. but i hate it when i only see him for an hour. i dont know, especially with his mom being here and all.. who knows. who knows.

Taylor (6:05:16 PM): 1. ur not cheating on Sal 2. i'm pretty sure you dont smoke pot al the time (hopefully not at all...) 3.youre not dropping out, I wont allow it 4. u do th piercings because u want to i dont know why it makes me so happy to know i have friends standing behind me to back me up. was that satire? or sarcasm.. i cant tell. ANYWAY. tomorrow boyfriends mom wants to talk to my mother about our relationship. with us there. its going to be so awkward, but it will definitely make us more stable. us and our cheating selves! although, i dont know if his moms my biggest fan. she doesnt hate me i hope, but id rather her like me at least, than anything less. life is too short to waste on these, these, these.

lindsey: please get the fuck out of my life. think and say whatever you want, but leave me alone. and keep your bullshit on your side of the pen ms. im better than everybody because i think im so sophisticated but really im just bitter. kellie: nobody believes you, sorry to say. and since your "friends" are my friends, theyre coming to me. so, thanks for trying. ANYWAY, god damn. i love highschool. also, well.. i dont really have much else to say. except i fucked the school over today and i am still going to the hospital in june. whatever, lifes too short to care about anything!

you say you want to, but you never will. i dont know who to turn to. is there even anybody out there?

oh please shut the fuck up. i dont care anymore im so fucking sick of hearing about this god damn bullshit. stop making shit up, stop telling people shit thats not true. ive got my friends and youve got yours. whether theyre the same or not doesnt mean you and i are even remotely friends. it doesnt mean i even want to look at you, considering the way youre acting. where the fuck did you go. what the fuck happened to you. im not your best friend. youre not who you used to be. and this is where im drawing my lines. if you keep asking me ill melt away in the summer air. youre all gone, every last bit of you that made you human. -- i wish that nothing had changed. i wish that we never broke apart, that it was still the four of us. we were so close, we had stupid fights and they only made us better friends. but no, you had to turn into a whore, you had to turn to drugs, you turned into plastic, and i, i dont know what i turned into. i regret a lot of choices i have made that turned me into the person that i am, but i am not ashamed of myself. im not ashamed of what ive done, i just wish a lot of it never happened. and i wish a lot of people never knew, and they never said anything, and that they were all dead. but seeing as i cant change the past, i guess i have to live with it now. livings a bitch, so stop time with me.

i get more tests done tomorrow. im really getting sick of being sick. haha. anyways, today was a wonderful day: we opened our pool, and i tanned outside, so im not pasty anymore [: i woke up in a wonderful mood. i slept until eleven or so, so i wasnt tired, and the sun was shining and i woke up to a wonderful text from salvatore. im in a great mood, despite one of my friends ditching me and not being able to go to the mall. but whatever!
"okay rachel lets go!"

porn entry! anyway, aside from that "entirely not shocking" (thanks randy) entry, which is now funny as shit, almost absolutely nothing happened today. boyfriend came over. not for long, so we didnt do much. and apparently my parents still trust me because they left us alone? im not sure whether to be guilty, embarrassed, or just laugh. im sort of all three.. like, i dont want anyone to know but its just that funny. like the first time i skipped school with jess. i have too many stories. so recently i have been wanting to nuke everybody. im really not sure why. i think, metaphorically, the celexa is only keeping my on the edge. i wont jump, but im not safe either. so im not taking enough, but im taking just enough to not down a bleach cocktail. although i have found the chemical equation for mustard gas, and incidentally have all the ingredients in my house. anywhoo, i see my psychiatrist tuesday. i suppose ill tell him about it. cant hurt. meh. i feel bland. its weird, its a weird feeling. like im in suspension. i think im decieving myself. i really need to get out of my head. im reaching.

so my parents just found a condom in my room. it happened to be from my friend and i playing with it, because we are four years old. now, we didnt throw it away. we sort of just left it on my room. my mom decided to vaccuum my room. guess what got stuck in the vaccuum. now my parents think im a "sexually active" whore.