i switched to my fibromiyalgia medication today. i now take two 500mg naproxen tablets, one 20mg citalopram tablet, one 100mg bupropion tablet, and one 30mg cymbalta capsule. If the cymbalta doesnt work out, im going to have to ask my rheumatologist for a long term narcotic, preferably flexeril, because that helped me a lot. i dont know. i love you. help me.

1. trust and ignorance. i found some interesting text messages on my boyfriends phone, things that i thought id never see. he told me they were from his best friend or whatever, but i havent checked his messages since. im not sure if total ignorance and total trust are the same thing, but i want to believe that im in a good relationship. if i dont look, if i close my eyes, i wont see anything. right? i trust you. i just dont know if youre misplacing it.. 2. hell buy all the dope he wants, keys, and in the end hell give you the shit he doesnt want. he doesnt want the best for you. he doesnt care. why cant you understand what we do.

i had a dream about you. i miss you. i dont know where you are, or what youre doing, or where youre going, but if you still ever read this i want you to know i still care. i loved you, sometimes i wonder if i still love you. but i have my boyfriend now, he promised me the same things you did, and im scared. i wish youd stayed my friend, at least. because you didnt stay with me. i know what ive done to you. but do you have any idea what you put me through? baby i dont know if it would have been worth it. im sorry. im sorry nathan.

im doing okay. i have bunnies, well i do and my brother has one. my bunny is a boy, and his name is romeo. they are babies, so they require a lot of attention and care, but i love it. i love taking care of them and playing with them, and seeing as my brother is six i have taken over responsibility of both the babies.
-- i was at the beach today with my boyfriend and my best friend, it rained a little but we went swimming and had fun, and were going out again tonight. i guess i dont have much going on, except for the hospital visits.
so far the "diagnosis" (meaning ideas the doctor has but doesnt really know) are PCOS in my knees, and fibromyalgia. id like to tell you what those mean, but i dont even know. this one test keeps coming back positive, antinuclear antibodies or something like that. it could be absolutely nothing, but im always in pain.
its not like, a searing uncopable pain, its a throbbing, dull, relentless pain. like, when you run up several flights of stairs, or like being stabbed. sometimes it feels like something is sitting on my shoulders, i dont know maybe i just break gravity.
but anyways, i have a few options. cymbalta, hip injections, melatonin pills, and lots of excercise. well see what happens.
dun dun dun

dont read this. youll puke. what the fuck is going on. thats what i want to know. ever since he got his liscense, and i have been able to see him daily for long periods of time, im actually getting attached. I don't know what it is, but whenever he is gone, and i do mean whenever, i miss him like i hadnt seen him in months. and to be frank since we started dating, the longest ive gone without him is four days. this is super seriously wicked retarded. only because i feel so clingy, and so dependant, and like if i didnt have him, if he left me, then id just shrivel up and blow away. he is simply everything to me, i guess. i look around and i see my friends, and some of their boyfriends, and how different salvatore treats me. hed never hit me, hed never ditch me, hed never say cold things to me, he loves me. sometimes i look at him and ask myself how hes mine, how hes faithful to me, how he can love me. blah. i love this, in some weird twisted way. i love not knowing, but i do know. i know hes mine, forever.

so sometimes i second guess myself. probably more than im comfortable with. im always going to wonder what if, always. and its always going to kill me so bad. but i made a choice. i made a choice and im happy. but would i have been happier? i dont know why i care so much. ive never truly cared about whether i was happy or not. but i think that hes helping me with that. the happiest ive been in a while was when he walked through that front door and held me. on another note, i might be getting a bunny. i think it will help me a lot, taking care of something, having something to play with and talk to, no matter how stupid that sounds. life is.. okay. whats up with this shit?

cause my friend told me shell setle deep like a pain in the palm of your hand. cant you see that its not all that easy? oh youre so cool i wih i was you. fourth of july was SUCK as usual. although i did get to spend a few hours of it with my boyfriend, which was good. but other than that, it sucked. hard. tomorrow im going to the fucking beach. whether i have to walk or whatever, i am getting to the fucking beach! anyway. i guess other things are okay. someone talk to me. please?

i never wanted to dance. i swear i didnt ask for this, but i know i did. i swear that all ive done here is what i wanted. but how can i know what i want of nobody tells me? because thats the way its been my whole life. someone was always there to tell me what i want, and someone was always there to let me know i was wrong. but not this time. i dont know i dont know i dont know i hate corporate shit. i think this is what i need. everything, right now. i think everything is falling into place. all we need is time.

yeah, not happening. fuck that bullshit. i dont know why that made me so mad. probably because it was supposed to be me. but whatever. shit happens, and i guess i just have to get over it. i just have to get over it.

i will tell you exactly what i mean. youre eighteen years old, and i know how hard youve worked to get where you are and i know that you appreciate me now, but.. youre eighteen. youre young. im sixteen. im younger. if you can manage to deal with me, then i hope that you mean everything you say. but ive been told forever, and ive been told love, and ive been told happiness, and look where that went. i just want it to mean something this time. on another note, i think were going to be okay.