yesterday was good, and i am really, really glad that we are good again. with that said, im a pterodactyl slayer.

all you do is complain about him, and tell everyone how much you want to break up with him, and how much of a dick he is, and all the shitty things he does to you. but then, when it comes down between him and your best friend, who do you pick? some friend you are. anyway, im really irritable today, and in an overall shitty mood. fuck celexa. im on uh, some medicine i cant pronounce now to work with the celexa but they didnt fill my prescription so god only knows when thats coming in. BLAH. i wish i felt better. it is summer and all. i dont feel like working in clay. im tired and pissed of and irritable. BLAH.

i like having someone else to go to. to fall back on. but this, this is a mess. oh, brother, where art thou? but hey, who gives a fuck. i suppose im being vague. but i also suppose i have a very good reason to be. seeing as i quit at the beginning of last year, mid august, i really dont care anymore though. so i will say this: i dont know where youre going, or what you want to do, but if you leave someone hanging, they can only swing for so long. i think you know who you are. but besides that, i went white water rafting today, and i fell out of the boat. where the fuck are we going? where the fuck have we been? i thought rabbit holes could only go so deep. i guess i was wrong.

what do i do? what does anyone do in this situation? who really cares anymore? oh so many questions. and so few answeres... i guess all i need to know is who is there for me, and who truly loves me. do you? would you come to me? oh, oh, oh lord. look what has happened here.

and so it ensues. i think everything is going alright. but i wouldnt know. because none of this depends on me. his ex called him. then he called me. if his ex still has the ability to make him feel like that, what other feeling could he have for her? she was his first love, he gave everything to her. and what about those other two girls who are "in love" with him? and his other ex.. who wont leave him alone. where am i in this mix. where am i? he says he doesnt need anything else, hes got me. but ive been taught time after time that words are simply words, nothing more. forever is as long as you make it, and love only lasts as long as your patience. the knot is tied as tight as you make it. this is all on us. if you chase after the horizon, the shore will follow. i thought it was insightful. but i found that talking to certain people makes me feel better. but these certain people arent allowed. oh snap.

you know how this is going to go just as well as i do. all we do is mask it; with makeup and smiles and pretty manicures, and hallway hugs and bus stop goodbyes. but i agree with william golding. wed tear each other apart given the chance. i know i would. anyway, im not in a great mood. for multiple reasons as usual, but whatever. life is like a cactus. its covered in pricks, but... well its covered in pricks. im truly not this cynical. i saw boyfriend today, and it made me happy. he makes me smile ♥

NEWS. my grandmother had a heart attack, but she is fine. i was so nervous, i got the call and was like what the fuck.. but turns out she had had it three days ago and mistaken it for heartburn. beast. an also, hospitals SUCK. i went today for a few hours, for my pain. fourteen vials of my blood. gone. how im not dead i do not know. but maybe the tests will show something. i got one of those nifty hospital bracelets, too. awesome. and on a lighter note, all punctures in the parachute are patched; im not expecting anyone to get that metaphor. and boyfriend and i are excellent. although sometimes i think and i miss and i want and i break down.

summer is coming. i feel it. im already done with school, im sailing by now. not smoothly, but still sailing. some family members that im close to are sick. i dont see them very often, and im not sure what id do if anything happened.. for a long time i said that when my grandma died too, id have no one left. i dont even want to think about it. sometimes i feel like shes the only one who actually cares to know how im doing, or cares to see me. shes more interested in my life than my parents, and i see her once every two months? im not even going to think about it. i cant, i simply can not. sometime i fear for myself, and what will happen when there is nobody left. i dont know why i feel this way. i think ive always felt this way.

im only back to ponder. ive been promised so many things in relationships: he will never hurt me, he will never leave me, he will love me forever, he will never let me fall. then how, do tell me how i have done all of the above every time ive had hope i wouldnt? i think this is the last time i will be able to trust like this. being hurt, well thats impossible to pass. but he deosnt have to leave me, he could love me forever, he could always catch me. im praying that he does. because i care so much about him, about us. i miss this, this, this.. love.

boyfriend was here today, good ending to a monday. i will go see him again thursday or wednesday, and im really happy we are seeing this much of each other. he pulled me into the pool today though, and i swear i would have kicked his butt if i didnt love him like i do. but he doesnt need to know that. other things are well also, im doing okay/bad in school, but fuck it, six days left! friends are good, family not so much, but hey big surprise. i have so many plans coming up its hardly funny, but im about to have the most amazing summer of my life! beaches, boyfriend, friends, sleepovers, fires, water fights, endless summer nights, city lights, crashing waves, loud music, you name it i have it. fuck this, im loving it. but i sort of miss you. i know that youre not coming back, no matter what, but im assuming your life is a little different without me too. i dont know, i know we had our fallout and everything but its weird not being at your house every other weekend, and not having someone to talk to like you. also, i miss all the crazy shit we did. but its all over now, and i guess were moving our separate ways. but its okay, because its life and thats how it happens. it is inevitable to know someone and not get hurt. or something like that.