this is the end of this journal. lets play i spy..

fuck this bullshit. i found his stupid fling.com account. he says his friend made it as a joke, but i know. his whole profile is every small detail about him, and theyre all true. his 'about me' is all about how hes single and wants to get laid. and the best, is his username, and all his pictures, and all the girls hes friends with that are topless and showing their tits. real funny. and even if it is "joke," why keep checking it? why talk to anyone on there? why not tell me? and most importantly, why even let him fucking make it? (p.s. when you said he made it, you were with me. and he didnt have internet) well, youre going to need that profile soon, because you really will be single. i let what everyone else was saying go, about how you felt her up and she gave you a handjob. and i never evn questioned about all those random girls youd walk up to and hug, and leave me behind in the mall for. and i even totally dismissed what you did to me last year, but this is it. trust shouldnt have to endure this many burdens, it shouldnt have to be tested over, and over again. you havent changed.

i dont know what to do. i dont care anymore. so. fuck you. thats all. by the way, this isnt for you.

here. back. when i came home, i got kicked out for the first time. my mother fell asleep and my father let me come home eventually. i guess it really sucks. my boyfriend worries for me more than he should, but i dont know anymore. maybe he has a reason to worry. ive been talking to you recently. he doesnt want me to, but i want to. at this point, it could go either way. and you? well youre a jackass but thats okay. youre still fun to hang with, even though your a pussy. sorry we cant talk anymore. so, third hospital visit tomorrow. this ones closer, same creepy doctor. eh, my back/neck has been really really hurting, so maybe they can do something, i dont care. ill take it as it comes, and when life gives me lemons, i say fuck these lemons and ill take a drink.

so here i am. in the end, my parents gave me a little money and we left on a peaceful note. but i still cant look at my moms side of the family. not after what ive heard, and learned. i miss my bunnies. i miss them a lot, and i miss my friends who i can swear around and shit. although it is so, so beautiful up here. i want my boyfriend so bad. i miss him like crazy, i miss him more than i thought i was gonna, and its been two days. i love him. i miss everyone, even my parents. i think im going home with a new outlook. i want to be pretty on the inside. right now im just living and relaxing, and dealing with the varying amounts of how much i miss people. a couple times i just expected my bunny to pop right around the corner, or for salvatore to come upstairs, and run his fingers though my hair as i fell asleep. like that night in the car.. this year is going to be okay, i think. i just, i, i dont know. i need my outlets.. my buny, my boyfriend, my friends, my room, my comforter.. blah. i just miss. miss and love.

i overheard my mother on the phone this morning, when she thought i was asleep. she was talking to her mother, telling her how much of a "slob" i was, and she was lying about my boyfriends mother, and she was making things up that werent true, and downtalking me to my own grandmother. but now it makes a lot of sense; those dirty looks i get when i see any of them. the things they say to me seemingly out of nowhere the stupid sneers of their faces when i say something. the side glances, all the bullshit.
what happened.

im a fraidy cat when it comes to this. why cant i just be normal? ...rhetoric! anyway, i owe you an apology, because i guess since we were so close im scared to do it agian in case you dont want to or something, and i dont know what to say or do. i dont know if i should be normal, or yell obscenities every other word or what. let me know.

whether i have money or not, im leaving in four days. i wish it was forever. anywhoo, i wish things were better. i wish my mom would just stop being so crabby and bitchy and petty (or just drop dead), and i wish she could just shut up sometimes. i dont want to hear about how awful i look when i leave the house, or about how im worthless and i cant find a job, or about how im an awful influence and blah blah blah. and since ive been crabby ive been pushing my boyfriend away, whos only ever trying to make me feel better. BLAH AGH GA MALADAPRAHA. you should talk to me, if you have any ideas? i started making jewelry. its pretty.

my moms becoming an alchoholic, yay! well, at least it gives her an excuse for acting the way she is. i never knew why my parents were always going to the liquor store, i never saw them drink. but thats when i learned about the great discreetness of spiking drinks! but thats okay. i really dont care. it just sort of sucks making plans and having to cancel, or calling home at seven and being told to come home because "[she] said so." ive been trying to reconnect with a friend who was really close, but its getting hard. and i dont really even know whats going on, so blah. -- anyway, boyfriend and i are good. ive seen him every single day for the past month or so, and i was expecting to get sick of him. of course im finding things that he sometimes does that hurt or annoy me, but i always tell him, and he tries. but i do the same i guess. but i miss him a lot when hes gone. besides that im leaving in SEVEN days, for two weeks. im going to maine with one of my bestbestbestbest friends in the whole world. weve gone every year for three years, and we wlays laugh and have a great time. shit i cant wait to leave this place. theyre basically my second family.

im trying so hard to not lash out, to be tranquil and subtle when i fight with my mother, especially around my boyfriend. but i lashed out today, and now i dont even know what the fuck is going on. for one, my mother wont talk to me which, i dont really give a damn about. but second, now my boyfriend is saying im not the person he thought i was? just because i got mad and lashed out? what the fuck! people get angry, people also get angry for different reasons. people are brought up differently, but that doesnt mean im a bad person. im not made of stone, i have feelings. and sometimes, when people stomp all over them like im some huge dirt clod i get a little angry. sometimes, i want to grab you by the shirt, and scream at you. tell you how it really feels, tell you that i feel like dying sometimes, and tell you how hard its been lately. sometimes i want to scream at you to help me, to just listen to me and truly understand what makes me tick and why, instead of your interpretation. but this all comes with time, i guess. i know youll understand. i love you, i really do, and i dont feel like im losing you, but i dont think i could handle it if you did. ive been promised he wouldnt leave me, ive been promised he wouldnt let anybody break my heart again, ive been promised he would love me forever. and that ended so fast. dont end this so fast. dont end this at all.