so last night just wow. and i think we are going to hang out again tonight. and then again friday and next sunday but then he leaves for his friends house over all of vacation >.< but i think hes asking me out tonight and i just really like him and this is so great also hes been waiting to talk to me since like november how cute is thaaat i wish he had !

oh wow.

correction sadistic bitch. only courtney not HIM. HE is fine and everything is good between us. thank god everything is on the up and up so yeah cool love that this journal has become like i write everything in it but it has been keeping me sane which is the purpose of journal so awesome thank goodness for this obscurity that no one will ever really know who i am or that no one i know will truly find this and know its me or that no one will ever read this bc i can delete it all and my mother will never know or find it like we did my sisters journals. i learned from her mistakes yo.

sadistic bitches.

also i hate that i need constant validation that he still likes me its so stupid of me and is clearly something guys hate

am i just reading too much into this ? or do i just really not understand boys ? because it seems like he goes from completely in love with me to not liking me at all in the course of two minutes. like seriously i dont fucking understand this at all and i hate that because i get so fucking exciting like maybe ill actually have nice decent boyfriend but he already seems like that isnt going to happen. it feels like when we're alone im all he can think about but then when his friends are around im some type of embarrassing thing that trails behind him. or is it that its just to early ? i just dont get this at all and i wish i never had to deal with this or him i just think maybe i was better off being alone with out all this drama that comes with him. but then i really dont know.

and hes baaaaack. thank goodness. haha this is def my OCPD kicking in tonight. (told my mom i should be on meds for that shit she wasnt too happy) but seriously i HATE when guys say girls are hard to understand are you fucking kidding me girls we're readable like books (grant it i know many boys cant even read books but anyway) like when we are happy we smile amused laugh sad cry angry yelll there you go allll our emotions out on our sleeves for realll then guys are the ones that "that never cry bc its not manly" and like scowl all the time and shit like seriously i never ever understand anything about guys everrrr and they confuse the shit outta me so no fuck that guys are way more confusing than girls

is he gone ? did i already lose him ? did i already push him away ? probably, it wouldnt be the first time that things ended before they even started. and im broken and im done and im empty. so so empty with this pressure.

theres a strong possibility that i have OCPD. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder. different than OCD which everyone knows about this specifically focuses on my "rigidity, control, perfectionism and an over concern with work at the expense of close interpersonal relationships. persons with this disorder have trouble relaxing because they are preoccupied with details, rules, and productivity. Often perceived as stubborn, stingy, self righteous, and uncooperative" of course a mild case but it just seems to me soo true about me as well as the fact that im just such an obsessive person. i mean i keep obsessing over HIM and its going to ruin everything and im soo obsessed with not getting annoying or anything like FUCK FUCK FUCK i just wannna die bc itd be easier than trying to figure out the right way to do things for him. lighter note though even though courtneys being a bitch about HIM bc shes jealous that he chose me over her even though now she has a boyfriend wellll danielle totally agrees with me and realizes that courtney did the same thing to her over bry and about emilio and its ridiculous and danielle and i are like closer now that we share that as well as that emilio is more my friend again yay ! but really its great that danielle knows what im going through. though i dont wanna lose courtney as a friend like she did that would suck but i do miss danielle and i hate courtney for outcasting her from our group but im working on building our relationship back up. hmmm what else uhhh idk im just happy and like even though HE was a jerk to danielle she still thinks its cute i am gunna be with HIM and supports me and its just such a good feeling and i hope HE doesnt leave of god i could not take that if he did im already attatched to HIM this isnt going to end well for me....

FRIDAY COULD NOT GET HERE FAST ENOUGH HOLY SHIT ITS TAKING SOOOOOO MUCH LONGER THAN IT SHOULD AHHHH AND IM SO NERVOUS ALREADY AND IM FREAKING OUT AND JUST FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK