i cannot wait to escape this labyrinth of suffering called high school.

i really do hate that i love you

cause at least when im with you im not alone...

and i dont understand either why things are the way they are. im a nice girl, kind of funny, maybe a little awkward, willing to please, loyal, willing to do whatever it takes to get you to like me. i swear people dont like me just because i am "too smart" and think about my future and dont just fuck off school because i know its important. basically all i have going for me is school and i need to do good in school better than good i need to excel and surpass everyone so that i can get to college and get the fuck out of here. i shouldt be out casted for being smart and ambitious. people need to look seriously inside themselves and figure out where theyre going in life because theyre all going no where i can already tell. i cant even describe these feelings i feel inside me. no words are strong enough or vividly convey the true feelings trapped inside me.

i hate it here so much its not even funny. i cannot wait for the next three and a half years to just be over so i can get the fuck out of high school and get the fuck out of this town. when i can drive im going to spend hours driving away from this place and disappear for days on end. i hate everything about this place. i hate the people. i hate the attractions. i hate the stupid life style of the people. i really just hate them all. and i hate that there the same people and i hate that im going to be stuck with them for the next three and a half years. i hate not having friends. i hate how i would give anything to just be apart of them. i hate that i wish i were part of them even though theyre nothing. i just wanna run away and never look back. once im in college i wont talk to one damn stupid person from high school. i hate all these inconsiderate people. they all suck. they all suck so much. they all suck more than anything in the entire world. i wanna get out i cant stand being in a place that i hate that makes me cry every night. i hate it and i hate it and i hate it some more. i just wish this hate would go away. id rather be numb than feel this pain.

ive been alone for so long that i start to get used to it. whenever youre around it gets me going. i wanna jump your bones the minute i see you. i cant wait to get you alone. and then we are and i let you do as you please because its such a nice deviant from being alone. being alone for so long leads me into dangerous water. and i ache for your touch when i sit at home all alone. if anyone knew what i am willing to do just to not be alone i would be in such trouble. i will do anything to just not be alone for any longer...

hmmm today is january first and another year has gone. weird that we celebrate the earth making one complete revolution around the sun whats the big fucking deal thats what its meant to do. but really no one even thinks of that when they celebrate theyre too busy getting drunk and high and partying it up bringing in the new year. its just another excuse to party and for people to get wasted and for it to be socially acceptable. really though new years eve is the most anti climatic night ever. there is so much build up for this night an if youre sober then its really not a big deal. and i am sober becaause im just so sick of getting drunk and high and watching the people around me do it i mean seriously can we grow up its pointless so just give it a break and stop it and get over yourself. but w.e to each their own and if thats how they wanna fuck their life up then i dont care its really none of my business. another year has gone by and nothing has changed. i feel the same as i did last year. no resolutions this year bcause i know i wont follow them. just cant wait for the next three and a half years to go by so fast so that i can get out of this fucking town and leave these fucking kids to their fucking games of nothingness and wasting their life. im ready to grow up and get on with it i dont wanna keep going through high school its so dumb and not worth my time. and everyone was out partying last night i decided to stay home because i dont give a shit about partying or the people who are partying. theyre all so caught up in their own little fantasy worlds that encompass them and the next party that they dont see the big picture or anyone else that isnt in their immediate "perfectly popular" group of friends. and obviously im not there nor do i want to be i know its not the place for me. so they were partying and i was stuck at home and i was happy and they were happy but then why do i feel so much regret and jealousy but then i dont feel it at the same time. god all i want is just one person who is always there. i guess this is all his fault if he could have just stuck around then maybe things would have been different but i guess i will never know and that is that and there is no changing it so i need to get over it but its so hard because for one i got my hopes up and then they just crashed and burned right at my feet. well i guess ill just give up and go through this never knowing and trying not to care. even though i do and i will always know i do. maybe it will be different someday that has always been my hope. i just wish he would notice me ONE fucking time and give a wave or a head nod or smile or SOMETHING i just cant stand that i am invisible to him like how is the even possible ?! wish i had some snarky comment to make at him but i dont. so i guess i just give up another year wasted and another year to waste coming up. a cycle of life is what its called.

i crave one thing in my life and that is the feeling of the mixture of being wanted and needed. sitting here in bed alone again like always and i pine for you. all i want is for one guy to go just a little out of his way to show that he really wants me and needs me but that will never happen. he texts and he emails but that is it theres no real effort and then he starts blaming me for the failed friendship but he clearly doesnt understand or listen to me or need or want me. i tell him repeatedly that all i want is for him to show me im so important after telling him he is so important to me but he doesnt do it. i see him every day i walk behind him from class to class everyday and we make eye contact but if he truely cared he would turn around and come right up to me and talk to me, force me to look him in the eye and directly talk to him and make sure there was no pretending i didnt see or hear him i cant ignore him if hes right in my face and if he cared then he would realize that but he doesnt care he only wants to be my friend when it is convienant for him but thats not how it works and text after text and email after email will be ignored until he makes the attempt in person all he had to do to get me back was pay attention to me but he never does thus he is ignored right back. and if youre going to say merry christmas to someone you know is ignoring you at least say it on the right date not the next day how much can you care if you dont even take the time to do that AND how stupid do you look not even knowing its the wrong day. i give up on guy after guy because they are never interesteed in me but this and they really arent wont text me unless i texxt them first if they even text me back which usually never happens and im just so done being treated like dirt fuck it fuck them fuck me who gives a fucking shit. i cant call you i cant text you i cant see you i cant fall for you i cant love you because you wont call back you wont text back you wont see me you wont catch me you wont love me back though i am to blame for all of this. to quote utterly famous Cheap Trick.... I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm beggin' you to beg me....

well its december and things arent looking any brighter. high school is no big shakes. i had all these great expectations that are just completely unattainable though they shouldnt be. it shouldnt be this hard to make new friends or meet a guy. of course ive made like 4 new friends and of course ive made new acquaintances to speak to but this is not nearly what i expected or was looking forward to. and yeah ive met guys but theyre entertained for about five minutes and then have already moved on. what the fuck ? ive been sending all the right signals and ive completely stopped being so nymphomaniacish towards them so what the hell is wrong. im a nice attractive smart witty girl everything that should be wanted yet no guy will stick around. theyre more interested in spreading that theyve hooked up with me when HELLO WE NEVER EVEN HUNG OUT YOU JACKASS. seriously are you kidding me you think i wouldnt find out you told people that when we totally did not. and then theres this whole perception that i should be at beck and call. but hello news flash im not a fucking dog. listen you want to be friends with me then goddamn it act like it. heres the thing real friends when they see each other they say hello, outside of school they text each other just to see how everything is and they always respond at some point or another. as well as they dont stand up friends for weeks on end. im not some toy you can pick up and put down whenever you feel like. you cant expect that when its good for you that ill be around no you have to be there when i need you and i will reciprocate and be there for you when you need me. its not a friendship if its whenever its convenient for you to be friends with me. really though what i cant stand is that high school was sooo easy for my sister and its the biggest challenge for me. freaking two months into freshman year she had a fucking junior boyfriend and i cant even get a freshman boy to say hello to me anymore. i feel invisible all the fucking time and i cant take it anymore. am i some defect product that no one wants to be around because thats what it sure is starting to feel like. my rants could last forever and the screaming frustrations pour from lungs at night but its just never enough. theres never enough outlet for all the rage and depression reeking havoc inside my body. so happy that not one ever reads what i have to say. its just the same as being in high school.

somethings clearly wrong with me because i cant understand why any guy would ever like me other than the reason that im quick and easy. even though i know that means they dont really like me that they just like to use me. but what other reason do guys have for girls other than to use them? no matter how many times im told or who tells me i still think im not worth more than a one night stand. i dont see anything in myself thats worth liking other than that they can do whatever they please with me. maybe its because ive just gotten so used to it and no guy even bothers trying anymore. not that they even bothered before either. and im so damn sick of trying so damn hard. i try and i try and i put out and i put out and i reach out and i reach out and i take risks and i take risks and i fall down and i fall down and i get back up and i get back up but now im just so damn sick of getting back up. whats the point if im only to fall back down? and every public display of affection makes me want to puke and tear the faces off the couple. i feel mentally deranged no way thats a sane thing to feel but i dont care at this point im just so done. I JUST WANNA THROW MY LIFE AWAY. and if i did its not like anyone would care. 1600 kids in my school and i feel utterly alone because i am. definitely dont have that many friends maybe 5 i can call true friends if that and it varies from 1 to 5 periodically through out the day. i feel unstable. i ache for the feeling of stability. every minute is a mood swing dont understand whats wrong with me.