so far i have been so good with this relationship and i have not been easy and i have not been skanky and i have been taking all of steves advice and it really is working i think and its freaking ahmazing and friday im just gunna fucking cuddle with this kid and its going to be the best moment of my entire high school year and i cant fucking wait at allllll

im on cloud nine right now. hes been amazing and everything is just getting better. this is the first time ive been this happy this year and it feels amazing. i just hope he doesnt leave.

so i got my hopes up wayyyy to high...again. and they all just completely crashed...again. it fucking sucks i mean i was actually starting to like him and i cant help that im shy but i offered to walk around but he isnt texting back anymore and im not sure if its bc his phones dead he doesnt want to or SHE said something to him. its none of her damn business if i talk to him but she butts in anyway and it fucking sucks. god i hate myself i should have said hello when i had the chance. welll i dont care im not giving up with out a fight so they all better be prepared...

i dont want you to enlist god no but its what you want to do so ill have to let you but i spend so much time thinking about it even though its still a good three years away it makes me so scared about losing you and even though we may not even be close in three years im still scared for it now and i just dont wanna lose you at all and thats all i can think about and i hate it and oh god i dont wanna lose you

haha i miss you squeezing my ass.

i dreamed about you again last night. you seem to haunt me wherever i go. cant you just leave me be ? i spend my time wishing youd text me though and i hate that i never get to see you anymore. i miss you so much its killing me. and i regret ruining what we had so long ago. i wish it didnt have to end you were ahmazing and more than i could have asked for and definitely more than i deserved. id do anything to just see you again. i wish you had stuck around but like every one else you left. i can still smell you. i can still taste you. i can still feel you. i can still feel your lips brushing against mine. i can still feel your fervent lips against mine and the pushing and the rushing like i was going to be gone. and i remember the laughing and smiling in the middle of kissing. i smile about it now. i can still remember talking with my lips pressed against yours. ive never felt so good than when i was kissing you on those nights. i remember how my lips would feel completely numb after nights with you. after a night along i lick my lips and i feel all of it rushing back all the memories the smells the tastes the feelings that will never leave me. im happy they dont leave me though its something i would never want to lose. ill always have those memories and i guess its something i will just have to learn to live with that i will never get anything new or more. i wish i could add memories to y collection of us but when i do venture to talk to you it always ends in fighting i cant take it. i wish March 2009 all day every day if i could just live in one those friday night memories id be happy forever...

tegan and sara fill my ears songs are on repeat and i feel their pain. i wallow in self pity theyre the sound track to my darkest places. i could spend hours feeling bad for myself listening to this music and never want to change a damned thing. im writing constantly in here because ive no one to talk to anymore. at least t and s have real problems they write and sing about mine are all made up it seems. i escape to books to see if that curbs my addiction of self pity and it does for the brief time im reading but as soon as i finish the book i wish i were one of the characters and its back to feeling bad all over again. and im always saying when im older but i keep getting older and nothing keeps happening. so one day im assuming this will all work out but if it doesnt then well fuck. haha never really thought about what happens if i dont make something of myself always just imagine going off and making friends and going out and finally living my life. but that probably wont happen but its the only thing that keeps me going every day so ill just pretend like its realistic. and i hope to god no one sits and reads the self absorbed woes of me on this journal its really not meant for that. my dream life would be that of hermione granger. and its all because she gets to do magic, is the best witch of her time, and gets ron in the end. i just wanna fast forward my life to see who i get in the end because more and more im fearing the inevitable is living alone and becoming nothing. i love taking showers and i could spend hours in them but then it gets lonely and i wish you were with me. this journal is so disjointed and its relaxing me and just writing these words makes me feel better and relieved. i love talking to people i dont know and will never know because i can be myself without fear of rejection. its ahmazing talking to someone who i will never have to come face to face with and just being able to say whatever and not have to worry that they will tell someone who tells someone who tells someone and then have to worry about dealing with thousands of peoples shit. its like when i talk to someone i dont know and then they respond and then its over theres no residual feeling and happenings due to the conversation because they never tell anyone that has anything to do with me. its really great except i dont not know that many people that i could talk to. everyone i know i see almost every day and it sucks. thank god for t and s and this album its ahmazing and i will never shut it off even if its damaging me beyong belief i dont give a shit. oh fuck its pure bliss in my ears and im turning off and im going down and its done...

its embarrassing the things i do with you and im ashamed of the things i do with you. but i hate being alone more so i'll continue to do them so youll stick around and keep me from my traumatic self. you could save me but you dont want to. you see the damage of everything but you dont wanna fix it because youre getting a pretty sweet deal out of it. and i know i the damage will stay until i stop but as soon as i stop i know youll disappear just like the rest of them so ill keep going and keep going and ill keep getting deeper and deeper. wish it wasnt this way but it is and theres nothing to change it. i just wanna spend night in your arms and nothing else but thats not what you want from me. and ill comply to what you want so that you will stick around. i just hate being along cant take being alone and my only options are you and being alone so i choose you. i cry all the time we're together and all the time we're apart. its hard. but you dont even try to help me when im crying in your arms you just pretend like its not happening. i need you to be my knight in shining armor (could i be any more cliche except thats the only way i know how to describe it) i just need you to stick around and save me from myself but you dont even know thats what youre doing and youll never be able to tell that it was youre doing. so ill keep getting more involved with you until it goes too far and gets too late and theres no coming back from it.

whats the point of living if we all die in the end ?

and its another night alone and theres nothing i can do. id murder to be with you.