i was so stupid for this. why did i do this to myself ?

so when i talked to him he seemed fine. he understood that we were looking for different relationships him for serious and committed and long term me more fun and physical and just about having a good time. im not into being the center of someones world like i was yours. i dont like having the power to change the person im dating like you did for me which is something about nick thats great he doesnt change for anyone but himself. i guess i enjoy being treated like shit too. but when i see him i fall for him over and over again. when i see you i just feel like oh theres my best friend and its different. he makes me feel different than you and i like it more. when im with him i cant pull away and he stares back and does cute things while you just ask why im looking. the connection with him is much better. but before you were okay but now youre fighting for me which makes me want to go with you but im still so pulled to him. youre making changes to try and get me back and giving me chances to come back and it pains me not to take them. i dont know how to tell you that i want him with out hurting you completely. i know im already hurting you and that hurts me and i still like you and i want you i wish i could blend the two of you together then id have the perfect guy. but he means more to me right now. even if i dont to him i like that. idk im just a mess over this. lighter note i saw him today at the end of the day and he made eye contact with me first and he held it for a really long time and then followed me out with his eyes and it was awesome and he smiled and i like him. it was a perfect moment to me. i just wish i could have stood there and stared at you forever. and i think youd like that too. and you asked me to hang out and made sure i wasnt in the middle of something and said maybe we could be in the middle of something and i just cant wait and i hope it happens. i almost died right there i was so life complete at that moment. well hopefully tomorrow goes just as well.

maybe everything will be okay because maybe youve come back to me. maybe it will work this time because you have cleared your shit up. youre everything i want and need and we work perfect together so im happy about being back in your life. i know i need to clear away the other guy but it will be easy enough. i know im going to hurt this boy though and it hurts me but hes just so much a friend than a lover and i need a lover. so i feel like a bad person but in the end he and i will be happier. i know it.

it makes me sad when i kiss him and say your name over and over again in my head and hope when i open my eyes its you. of course it never is and im disappointed every time. i like you even though you dyed your hair blonde and look like a fool. its real love boy why cant you open your eyes and see me sitting here waiting for you?

i hate being trapped in this house. i wish i had a car. id drive away.

i guesss it also just kills me that in like i dont know five years i wont even remember your fucking name and i wont ever see you again after you graduate so why is it such a big deal to me ? and if i had transfered schools like i had wanted to in the beginning of the year i would never have met or had a relationship with you so why can it bother me so much ? its fucking high school puppy love and its stupid and im being stupid about it. wtf is wrong with me. i need to get over this and get over myself. i guess it all goes back to "we accept the love we think we deserve" well i sure as fuck dont think i deserve love from joe hes so perfect and sweet and innocent everything im not and im just gunna hurt him so i dont accept his love and i reject instead of returning it with love like i should. but you, you give me fucked up love thats so distorted and messy and wrong and not real and fake and hurtful and thats what i think i deserve. mostly you dont give me any love and i guess thats what i think i deserve i guess i dont think i deserve love because im not a good enough person i just hurt everyone around me.

get ready for a long ass journal entry. havent written in awhile and i think its been fucking with my mind. so i have an overwhelming sense of guilt built up and no way to relieve it and its killing me. i still love you and its killing me to be with him. i cant bring myself to commit to him because im still hoping youll come back as well as i feel like its wrong and under false pretenses. i find myself getting sick of him too. hes everything i need but youre everything i want. i want you back so much and its been worse. i see you and it kills me. i wish youd just come back to me. i going to hurt this boy and i dont want to but im already in too deep and being with him is better than being alone. i wonder if i gave it all up and asked for you back would you come ? you seem like you would. i caught your eye today i know you look even if you deny it. i wish youd just fight for me. i wish you would give me a reason to come back so i could. and i feel lost and helpless and alone. tegan and sara arent even helping as much. i like these short choppy sentences. ive been crying a lot lately. mostly over you. if i told you would you believe me ? i find myself missing your responses. i find myself missing your smell your chest you. every little thing sets me off crying. you looked at me the other day while i was walking with him i died inside and almost started crying right in the middle of th hallway. i always wonder what would happen if i just broke down in the middle of school in a corner would people pity me or make fun me ? i hope its the former yet i know its the latter. i talk about you all the time. youre always on my mind. when i see you my eyes are glued to you. i sometimes pretend its back to us and it feels good until it all comes crashing around me again and again. i know this is stupid and it was such a short time but you really were everything i liked. do you ever think about me? i just wanna have sex with you. funny that its how i feel after everything but youre the only guy i ever wanted to with and made me feel safe. what would you say if i asked for it ? we planned a future times and i want those future times. i really have nothing left to say i just like rambling. i burned myself today. it was over a year since the last time i regret it but i felt i needed it. im being stupid crying over you. i can do better in fact i am doing better but hes not you. i cant believe after all this time i still want you. what did you do to me ? so i burned and it was barely anything but it was enough to remind myself of earlier times. i wanna talk to sam about it but he doesnt understand anymore. i feel pretty helpless and alone right now. i burned for you. i burned because im stupid and need to end it with you. i need closure with you i wish you could just give it to me. im never going to be able to commit to him. im afraid of committing because then it means ill get attachedd and then left and then hurt. we were fine until we committed it was all down hill from there. hes not like you but no one is and they all ended the same. same with curt same with steve same with everyone. its a bucket of shit is what it is. youre not even that great or special i dont understand my feelings for you. i love your gauges that are finally back in. i love the way you look. youre hot to me and hes just eh and it saddens me. and it scares me that hes becoming too attached to me. hes telling me im perfect and im his motivation and alternative to his addictions. me and you we flowed me and him we idk. im so confused sad scared and guilt. i hate health and how they try to get me to tell them my dark secrets about my loss and how i deal with my shit but thats private so leave me the fuck alone about it. i hate how she tells me im a depressed stressed mess but listen if i dont fucking call myself that then im not and i can avoid it. so shut the fuck up and leave me alone. i wish i had more to write but im just repeating myself over and over. theres nothing new in this life of mine same old problems with the same old solutions. i wonder if im still bianca

lost and confused with out you. days 5,6, and 7 are my favorite. i dont get that when we make eye contact how you look right through me. am i that below you now? are you that much better than me? am i that worthless to you? i have so many questions to pour out to you and i know they would all be met with the same response: that its my fault bc i dont reach out first and that hey baby youre cute. god do you think im crying night and day and would come crawling back to you because its not like that. of course you still cross my mind but its only when i see you and i wanna just make you suffer so i parade in front of you looking completely happy and fine. i hope you see me kiss him and it makes you feel bad. hes so much better than you. treats me so much better and respects me. actually isnt embarrassed about me and doesnt just wanna get in my pants. even though you said i meant more to you, its funny how you still couldnt wait. and its funny that im still running in my sleep for you.

my throat still closes and my eyes still well with tears when i see you. i wonder what happens when you see me. couldnt you just reach out to me?

first kiss awkwardness ! LOVE IT !