so i think i just found a guy who is so perfect. the perfect gentleman. pays for me every time, quit smoking for me, walks me to classes, respects me, and just everything else is so perfect. im saving him and hes saving me though he doesnt even know it.

i wish i could cry right now. id like that feeling of the pressure lifting off my chest while i scream and shake and sob. its relaxing and puts me in a better place. its worse when i feel like im suffocating and i cant get the air into me and so im just stuck feeling like im permanently dying and theres not actual death or life in me. and i just wanna be with you. lie down on your chest and snuggle up. i miss the kisses on my nose and forehead and cheeks. i miss the cuteness of it all. i miss the talking too. i miss the feeling of skin on skin. i miss the feeling of life emanating from your body and your pulsing blood in your veins. i miss it all.

my eyes are on you all the time even in my mind.

its probably bad that i saw the notebook. because since then like four years ago ive just wanted noah. wish he were real. him or ron weasley seriously. its messed up. i guess i just wish for love found in a book. wish my life were a book that i already knew the ending to so this time wouldnt feel so god awful.

well fuck that. two fucking years thats all hes older than me and he wont date me because when he was a freshman he dated in upper classman and felt used after and now hates her so he doesnt want the same to happen to us. well fuck you. so in hopes of saving our friendship he wont date me well he ruined it because now i do hate him. hes fucking stupid. this is ridiculous. really dumbest thing ever. dont know why i bothered. fuck boys i dont want them. the only way to have a boy is to be completely emotionally unattached use them and then leave them before they leave you.

okay so i know i should be so considerate but im just so fed up with it. so my dads been depressed because he doesnt have and cant find a job and its been a little over a year now. regardless of this i still get so frustrated with that fact that he can get so mean. i dont understand why he has to be like this all the time. guiltily i sometimes hate being with him because i cant stand the way he acts. its awful to say but my mom has always been my favorite parent and this is just making me feel that even more. my dad can be so sarcastic and its where i get it from but it can actually hurt a lot when he makes comments about my eating habits and other such things. he just says things that get on my nerves so much a lot of the time. and he is so short tempered and its annoying. everything has been strained in our house for the last year due to him not having a job and us having money troubles. sending one child to college and the other in high school the expenses are really high and my mom only has a temp job right now so when thats over she wont have a job either. we're making on okay but its definitely not what it used to be and now everything my dad talks about is related to money or people who have money and its just getting to me and being so annoying. im just pretty much sick of everything in my life and i wish i didnt have to be home anymore. i wish there was somewhere to escape to but not that hes definitely gone theres no chance of that. so moving into that subject he told me he still likes me but needs more time so then the other night i told him that he should talk to me when hes figured it out but that im talking to other guys and i dont know where i will be at he was upset and went onto tell me i was cute truth is i know exactly where i will be when hes ready ill be willing to jump right into his arms but i really dont expect him to come back. sad thing is i told him id been fucked with and that i had trouble with trusting guys and then he goes on to just prove exactly that. i wish it hadnt happened i wish he had just stuck by me. and now ive somewhat met a new guy. this new guy is a senior can drive is nice funny in play reads listens to good music is nice but short and porky but i actually have conversations with him and we get along well but he doesnt make my blood boil like the old guy does. i actually made a list of pros and cons for each and theyre basically equal in both fuck. theres no clear winner for who i should really be with and that sucks. as well as another guy also is interested in me it seems but i dont know about him either. i definitely like the old one and the senior better. hard part is that the senior is a senior since he will be leaving and he is older only by 2 yrs but still its a little weird. im just so confused as to how to handle my life. all this shit happens at once and i miss the old guy but then at the same time im like wait no i dont i guess i miss his body more than anything since he was 6 ft and thick and had a lip ring all that was just better than the new guy whos nothing like that. but i dont think hes ever coming back no matter what happens its just over and he knows it but hes not telling me that i wish he would just make up his mind before im in too deep with this senior. because im falling for this senior a little bit its nice that i can actually talk to him and its not all about sex all the time like it was with the old guy. funny side story my sister was all its really weird you left fb posts about having sex and giving blowjobs on your friends wall...im pretty dumb considering i never thought about all that. anyways though theyre both decent guys and i wanna give both a chance but i guess thats considered wrong so i have to choose and i hate choosing i just want both for the different reasons the old guy to please me sexually and physically and the new guy to please me mentally and emotionally. i really dont know what i should do anyone have any suggestions ?

and now the missing you is finally starting to kick in.

im so confused. why am i not sadder and more depressed about this? i still really like you yet im okay ? that does not make any sense what so ever ! i almost wish i was more sad but its good that im not. i still like talking about you tho.

got a new group and theyre ahmazing and i had such an awesome night yelling and i have no voice. i might smoke with my sister tomorrow isnt that weird. and im already moving on from him and it feels great. this is no big deal anymore. i just gotta get my shit together.

i'll just slip back into my manic depressive self again the reprieve was so short this time.