i knew something was wrong. you were with me but you didnt like me. and im crying and its stupid because i fell fucking hard again and i just do this all the fucking time when the fuck will i learn ? probably never. does anyone learn ? i feel like the pain of love ending is that feeling like giving birth that our brain and body just forgets so that we can love again and have another kid (THOUGH IM SO GETTING THE DAMN MEDS). im crying till there arent tears left. it was too short to be so hurt but none the less i feel like every part of me is just ripping out and torn to pieces. oh my god that fucking thundercunt will be so happy that this happened and she'll do the whole told you so told you so shit and im so not looking forward to it. everyone who told me he was like this is gunna be all told you so. so not what do i do ? do i send a mass text to everyone to let them know the status ? or do i have to wait till people ask me about it so i burst in to dry heaves when i try to talk about it because thats gunna happen because i mean theres just no tears to cry. its just the empty feeling i now have that i hate. like i hate even more that having a boyfriend fulfills me but its true i feel so alone and im embarrassed about that. god i guess i expected this though. it was stupid to think that i was good enough for you or that i made you happy when it was so clear i didnt. and thank god for my sister because she does makes me feel better all the time. so now its not that bad its a dull ache but wow fuck still because im already so unhappy and that sucks. and i feel like a complete idiot because i actually thought this would last what the fuck is wrong with me. clearly everything. but really this isnt because of me its because you still love her and maybe if you just be with me for a lot longer ill come to replace her but i doubt it but hell ill try. and well i just hope youll still hang out with me and let me lay on your chest just because itll make me happy. i wonder where i go from here.

was it a mistake ? maybe im better off with out you ? maybe this is more trouble than its worth ? ill hang in there tho if you do too. just wish i was a little more important.

youre with me but do you like me ?

do you understand me so well to know that you know if you ignore me then ill just fall more in love with you ? or do you really not care about me ? i wish i knew and understood you just as much as you apparently understand me. i also wish that you just showed me a little bit more love than you do though it makes me so happy that you kiss me in school even though you hate public displays of affection but then you say youd do it for me because you like me that much and its really sweet of you. and youre just all i think about which is bad but thats okay soon i wont be that obsessed and i just cant wait till we've been together for such a long time and ill be so much more happier than i already am. i just miss you right now tho.

it breaks me that you can go a day without talking to me and be fine.

im soooo afraid of fucking this up. like everything i do im afraid of just doing it wrong and then upsetting you. or im afraid of being too clingy and creeping you out so you freak out and leave me. i just wish i knew what was the right thing to say to you all the time. as well as i wish you would be just a tad more affectionate so i can feel like you really do like me. i really dont understand how someone like you could like someone like me and it confuses me so now im constantly on edge making sure i do everything right so that you wont realize youve made a huge mistake. i just dont know what to think or do anymore and im scared.

just wish i understand you.

so i just realized just how much my parents SUCK. theyre like all anti dating even to my sister whos 21. its fucked up. like i try to ignore it but they do that passive aggressive shit and im like wow really can you please GROW UP and mature. half the time i feel like im the adult in this house. and so tomorrow i have early dismissal so hes coming home with me and if it were anyone else theyd be sooo okay with it but then its him and theyre all like uhhh nooo and im like uh FUCK YOU HES COMING. so he is coming and shes all like mad but letting him hoping ill change my mind but nope i wont. and then shes all he can only stay for a few hrs but wtf his mom has a job thanks and cant just drop everything to pick him up so fucking deal with it hes gunna be staying for a long time with ME and im not asking for you to do anything. i just freaking hate how shes being such a bitch about it. like hes a great kid but you just dont want me near like any guys. so basically shes sending me the signal she doesnt trust me or that she thinks that i should become an old maid and never get married or have a life thats outside of her. its like shes freaking jealous that ive got another person in my life. like thats freaking fucked up. like all my friends parents let them have their boyfriends sleep over or go on vacation with them and leave them alone in bedrooms and home alone but nope mine have to be the biggest suckiest parents like ever. ahadsofjlksadjfl;kasd j;aslijfa o;iewajf ;sklfdj they did the same thing to my sister but thank god i have her to walk me through all this. its the most ridiculous thing to have such dumb parents.

talk to him about sex sunday night and he agrees and he says that he doesnt want to lose me and thats why we have to wait to make it official tho i am his and he is mine but he wants this to be real and last so we have to go slow and really make it happen he says hes gunna be around for a long time and i like that and hes looking forward to the sex just as much as i am. but we talked about it and i was all nervous he only wants me for that but he was like i liked you before so this just adds to how much i like you and how cute i think you are. so basically this kids the real deal and i really like him and its gunna be perfect i can already tell.

so all i can think about it is how much i wanna sex this kid up. like i know i have to wait but when im with him i just wanna rush it all. of course i wont but he makes me want to so bad its crazy. he likes it rough and its the biggest turn on ever. and i love that hes not afraid to show how much i turn him on so he moans and its so damn hot. we have so much sexual chemistry and i love it. and i love how big he is 6 freaking feet compared to my 5 feet makes for the most ahmazing pair i tell you. and he just can totally dominate me and i love it and he can pick me up and hes not overly skinny or muscular so he like that im the same way. and he makes me so comfortable. and hes so sweet before he does something he asks if its okay and tells me i dont have to and apologizes i love it all. but the lip ring sends me over the edge. when hes kissing me i love the way it feels and i love sucking on it. haha he does something to me that no guy has ever done before and i love every minute of it. i cant wait for it to be like nine months into our relationship so we can have sex. i think wed have sex like every weekend if we could. now i just have to pray that it lasts the long so it can get to that point...