silently screaming your name. wishing i had never met you. knowing i dont mean it. wishing i did. wishing i didnt. wishing you would just come back. knowing you wont. knowing its over. silently screaming your name. over. and over. and over. and over again. maybe you can hear it. maybe your calling my name too. but silent screams dont get very far. maybe in time i will get over this. trying to picture my life with you. its scary. how can you picture your life with out me i dont understand. all i can do is keep silently screaming your name. over. and over. and over. and over again. doesnt matter if you could hear it either. you wouldnt come if you heard it. so all i do is silently scream your name over. and over. and over. and over again. because it doesnt matter. over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over. and over again.

lips tremble hands shake heart quakes wishing you were here to make this stop

with you gone from here i jump into the arms of any man.

its the dull aching pain tapping at my heart at my heart at my heart its the sharp reminder poking at my mind at my mind at my mind. youre the memory peeking in the window of my soul of my soul of my soul. baby youve done something to me that can never be fixed. but the tears they just dont come anymore. feels like my eyes are suffocating and drowning all at the same time. inky blackness swirls all around me all around me all around me. im slowly slipping from this world with out you.

we talked about making babies in class today; all i could think about was you.

tear drops permanently cascading from her eyes because you left her.

you promised me you would give me a warning, but you're gone again, walked right out and i'm still sitting here waiting for you to say good-bye.

its like my heart is rotting in my chest. cant take much more. cant even think of things to say anymore. cant take much more. never could take a lot. silent martyr for only so long. sometimes the pains screaming from my lungs streaming from my eyes and i cant stop it. wish people would just leave me alone to die. silent and alone thats how i like it. curled up to let my insides rot out. sad music for a sad soul. so sick and tired of being sick and tired. so lonely and willing to be alone. want what i cant have it always seems to be this way. wonder if they like to see me suffer. wonder if they get a kick outta it. sure seems that way. purging my thoughts. all out on the table. face up. wish everyone could be like this all the time life would be better maybe a little harder but sure as hell a lot better. and my tears seem to be a faucet thats always on. wish my feelings could be turned off with a switch. i wouldnt mind not feeling anything. numbness would be heaven compared to these feelings. if things could be right again id like that. but they never will be never can be cause everythings changed and theres never any going back. kinda wanna be in a car crash. kinda wanna be in a coma. kinda wanna know who ends up coming to see me when im almost dead. kinda wanna know who actually cares. kinda too scarred to see that no one would come or the wrong people would come. dont understand why i have to feel this. dont understand what made me deserve this. pretty sure i dont. pretty sure ive never done anything that deserves such pain in return. made a few mistakes have a few regrets but who doesnt its life no one can get out unscathed completely clean its impossible. we all make the mistakes have the regrets feel the pain but really this amount of pain seems unnecessary. i wish people understood other people. i wish they knew what they did. i wish they got that this hurts. cant take much more cause its like my heart is rotting in the chest.

on the outside looking in. that's what i am. i dont enjoy it. cause its friday night and i cry myself to sleep because of them. it seems like everyone around me is so fucking happy. well i wanna know where they got that and how much it is cause i'm almost willing to pay anything to just be fucking happy. thought it was supposed to be easy to be happy but i find myself liking the depressive comatose state i live in rather than try and put it effort into being happy. whats happiness worth anyways i seem to be going fine without it but watching everyone else have it and love it makes me think that i am missing out on something i wanna see what that something is. sad songs to sings sad smiles of knowing real pain. passing out in a lonely bed. remembering the days that i was happy they seem like forever ago cause well maybe they were or maybe i haven't even gotten to them yet. i can tell you right now when i'm an adult i wouldn't wanna go back to being a kid for anything. these are possibly the worst years i'll ever experience and i can not wait to get away from them. spending nights alone cause i'm ditched for everyone to go with their "soul mate" yeah bullshit. i know they'll be over soon enough so why bother. that's how i feel i'm not going to marry this kid so why fucking bother to try it. seems a lot easier in theory to give him up though. every day is a struggle to not go back to him. temptations always there and hes always on my mind but i know going back to him is like going back to smell a rose the thorns are always there to remind you that too close and you'll get hurt. a little corny i know but that's about all i can relate it too. my brains not even functioning correct right now. wish it could just be easier wish he could have just said yes. dont wanna admit to missing him but i do. dont wanna admit to thinking about him constantly but i do. dont wanna admit to crying about him but i do. dont wanna admit to wanting to be what he wants but i do. so many things that i wish weren't true that i could say i dont but they're all i do so why bother lying. wish there was little white lies wish i could said heyyy JUST KIDDING i dont like you it was all a joke wanted a good laugh but i'm in too deep now. in too deep treading water but i'm drowning out here. need a life boat that ain't never coming. want these feelings to go away i'd rather feel nothing.

i wish i could go back to a month ago. things changed so damn fast and i was so damn stupid. i ruined everything. meaningless hook ups couldnt stay meaningless for long. and its too bad. we had it made. and now its broken open on the floor. lying there and we've kicked it, beaten it, we've beaten and kicked that dead beat dog yeah we really have. opened up to him. closed up to him. the good things never do last do they. say it more of a statement rather than a question cause i know its true. and i'm so bored of all these people. smoking, drinking, sex and love gets a little old now doesnt it. always looking for something more thats never there. always taking a deeper meaning to what should be there thats not. its like a ghost. its that feeling thats always walking behind me, next to me, in front of me, in me. impossible to escape no matter what i do. wish it would haunt someone else for awhile i could really use a break. thoughts are all disjointed and in incomplete sentences. random periods in random places. usually just where my brain stops. not really at the end of complete thoughts. yet somehow i like it this way. makes it more real. gives it more feeling. its like its actually coming from me like youre actually reading what im thinking but youre not. you never know all that goes through my head because there so much stuff happening up there thats so unrelated it would make pure chaos on this page. thats what i like tho. organized chaos. sounds like a party to me. thats what parties are. organized chaos. organize a group of people together and let them do what they want. weird how i started writing this because i wanted to pour myself out about these feelings and i end up in such the wrong place. cleansing my soul here feels good though. sky is beautiful wish i would be that. really i wish i was a bird. to sore the sky and be free. literally spread my wings and fly not a care in the world. no feelings of remorse. cause thats all i seem to be feeling these days. seemed to have fucked my entire life up right here. seemed to have messed it up beyond repair. regretting these past few months cause i fell into him. its like that trust game. if i fall back will you catch me. well i asked. he said yes. i played. i fell. but im pulling myself back up. its hard though. he was the first one in such a long time that i let go with. and i just want to stop letting go. but its so hard. cause meaningless hook ups really never seem to stay meaningless for long with me. its too bad cause they would be great if i could keep them that way. im too addicted to the feelings he gives me though. "And the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breath and hope someone will help me this time" rilo kiley said it and i endure it. wonder if jenny lewis actually went through these feelings or if shes just really good at singing about them....