Just some randomness for 1:30 in the AM. -------- Oh fearful wanderer Through this aching path of something better Than tuna on Rye But worse than a striped cashmere sweater Or the moon in your eye Come down from the tight rope These siamese twins will surely catch you I promise you this Everything will look better if you do Lay down and stare at the sky Somebody's coming in To take you down And fuck you up again But we won't let him We've got bigger hands And cannons that shoot army men No matter how long you want to believe You're fighting alone You're not We may not be strong We may not be sane And we may pretend we can swallow a flame But you're not alone Look me dead in the eye Tell me you can't see I'm standing right here I've been here all day I'm not leaving I won't disappear I'm here and I'm here to stay Come down, or I'll come up But our weights combined will topple this pole And we may both die I'm not letting you dig your own hole It's one or the other No matter how long you want to believe You're fighting alone You're not We may not be strong We may not be sane And we may pretend we can swallow a flame But you're not alone

(This post involves dreams... I like sharing my dreams... if you hate it, then whatever) So I woke up.. thought for a moment, and started cracking up... I decided not to go back to sleep and come down here and share what I thought was so amazing.... but then I realised It was only my tired thinking, and it's not amazing. But I'll share: So I had a dream last night (A few dreams) Well.. the dream was that I was walking in a feild of Barley and I had in my hand a log. On this log were buttons, because this log was not a log but a CD Player, made out of a log. I was listening to Jimmy Eat World (I Believe) but then Taylor Swift, in her Goddess of an image (I mean in the dream, she literally looked like a Goddess with her swift-ness (ha) and aura. Everything was beautiful about the setting, the sun was perfectly lighting the Wheat..) WELL Taylor Swift tries stealing my CD-Log because she wants me to listen to Taylor Swift... I hold it away, like it's a football, because I want to listen to the music I'm listening to. "I'll listen to you later, just hold on. I'm listening to this CD right now." She keeps trying to steal the log. She never SAID anything thought. So I wake up and think "God. Taylor Swift is mean in an imaginary world... and speechless" Then that's where I start cracking up, because unintentionally I used "Mean" AND "Speechless" Because those are the two names of her album. But then I came down here and woke up and realised 1) Mean is just a song title, and 2) It's not Speechless, it's Fearless. DARN! It would have been perfect. Perfect. Perfect. -- Another One involved me staying in my car after work because I didn't get to say Bye to Ty like I planned, so then I would creep up to him as he's walking to his car, like a creep, until he saw it was me, and then say bye. And One involved a lot of police and ambulances, and me trying to park on the side of the road for them to pass, but my car would never stop.... There was also a schoolbus with lights on top, and it did a U-Turn right in front of me... I was mad. I don't remember the other ones... but I know there were more good ones.

So, I tried to draw a graph of my love life, but it ended up being way too inaccurate. And confusing. So I just decided to tell the story of my longest relationship, and that's on my tumblr. Although this post is a bit old, since I posted the story 2 days ago. I might as well talk about the tornadoes we had in January 4 years ago. Which I could talk about. I know exactly where I was.... there was even an Albino black man. ================================ I do want to tell a story on here though. I remembered it today, and I like it. ----- So, I'm going to take you back to Eighth Grade. We were on an over-night feild trip to Camp Timberlee. Now, I'm not a popular kid. Even today, people would say I'm far from it. But in Eighth Grade, I was even less popular than I am now. Although Middle School was only the beginning of the Clique era, so the cliques weren't stone-solid yet. People still talked to others despite their caste, but it wasn't near as diverse as Elementary School. So, anyways. In Eighth Grade, we had this comb. It was pink, with only half of the comb being teeth, the other half a pick. But I liked this comb, because the teeth were close together, so it was ideal for my combing. I brought this comb to camp, not really thinking it would matter. The morning of the 2nd day at camp, we were all sent to the Banquet Hall for breakfast and told to bring as much stuff from our bags as we could. Why? We were playing that game from Let's Make A Deal... where the announcer calles out something, and if you have it in your purse (or bag) then you win points. Well, my cabin-mates saw my pink comb, and, needless to say, laughed at me. I don't remember the comments, but I remember there being a period of making me the butt of the jokes. A few minutes later, the announcer calls out, "Something Pink." My face lit up. Excitedly, I reached over and grabbed my pink comb and brought it up front. I came back to the table with everyone saying "Way to go, Matt!" It was a proud moment for me. Nobody else had pink, and they made fun of me for it. But in the end, it "saved-the-day." It's kind of hard to explain, but it was a 'special moment' for me.

(Warning: This is a long post. Wasn't planned to be. Just happened.) I'm having this weird phase where I kind of want to be a teacher. But I suck at teaching. Seriously, I can't explain even the simplist things to people. But for some reason, it's attracting to me. Though, I would hate grading all that homework. Doesn't it suck, feeling like you have - and will never have - no purpose in life? I mean, I have no talent. I have no calling. I'm walking on a path in Wonderland, only to find that a dog with a broom as a face is sweeping away everything in front of me. And what's left? Just this small square of path that goes nowhere. It doesn't go backwards. It doesn't go frontwards. It doesn't even go leftward or rightward. It's just a square. A stationary red square in the middle of this foreign forest which, honestly, makes no sense to me. =========== When you realise that your life is heading no where You lose a part of yourself. When I was a kid, I had so much opportunity. I was the smart kid. I was the kid who people would ask questions. They wouldn't talk to me about television or what happened to them in Chicago the prior night. I was a tool used for reassurance. For a second oppinion. But I had so much ahead of me. I was going to be a doctor. I was going to be a veteranarian. I was going to be successful. Then highschool came along, and life hit the breaks so hard it took your breath away. Everyone else caught up to me. I became more of an average kid. My body still had momentum, though. An object in motion tends to stay in motion until acted on by another force. So, people still asked me the answer Question 4. But I didn't have the answer anymore. The questions started getting stronger, while I was not. And then, for some reason, the car (life) must have realised that it stopped later than planned, so what does it do? It backs up. Now I'm not equal anymore. I'm less than. The alligator's mouth is pointing at me. The alligator wants to eat me. And now here I am. Standing on this little red square of path in The Middle of Nowhere, Wonderland. You know. I give myself very good advice But I very seldom follow it.

I found this.. I kept it to edit it, but I don't feel like it, so I'm going to leave it as is.. ============ I'll be the first one to tell you That my words don't flow from my lips Like I want them to No matter how hard I try It doesn't mean that I want you To stay away tonight So could you try To help me escape the curse Of a twisted tongue It's best while we're still too young I'm closer where I want to be But if we don't go, everything will change And I don't want it to So don't stop driving home That doesn't mean we should take it Way over the top I only need you To help me escape the curse Of a twisted tongue It's best while we're still too young Don’t tell me you can’t help me out I need it if you’re gonna stick around Otherwise I’m just another face in the crowd

This is what happens when I'm supposed to be writing a 5 page paper. Music: Think Western Swing-y I guess ============ She was nineteen She was blind She could make you any kind of pie But they all taste the same They all taste like turpentine She’d take ‘em to her neighbor That mailbox down the street He’s quite a skinny boy But, lord he sure can eat And she loved him so Even though he had no feet Yeah, her hearts aglow For the little boy who doesn’t speak One cold February She made him cherry pie It tasted like Pine-Sol mixed with iodine But it didn’t matter He liked it just as well But she had to feed him ‘Cause he can’t do it himself The boy has no arms He just stands there in the cold She always wondered why He just sits there in the snow Then one Friday morning She heard the wheels of a van A woman came out and stood next to her man So she punched her in the shoulder Called that lady a fat ox Said the lady, “I’m just putting this package in the box” Oh, there’s hell to pay He’s been cheating on the girl Yeah, she tried to fight Fell right off the street curb She got a concussion Blood puddles on the ice Didn’t make it to the doctor’s Before she lost her life And that girl died young Right next to her wooden guy He couldn’t move He could only watch her die He stayed there forever Always standing by her side

This is really long. But it's earlate, and I'm in the mood to post long, redundant journals. ----- Life is just not really going my way, lately. Not in the "I'm so emo and dark and angsty junk" way. But I only have a total of 3 "friends" left in town. I saw one of them today, because she needed a ride. The other two, I haven't seen in a month. I have 5 projects due in a bit more than a week. Plus a research paper that I should have started on. I got my first job. It's just a seasonal job. My first day, first hours are "Black Friday: 2:45 AM to 11:45 AM." My first day Ever working, I work 2:45 AM on Black Friday. The worst day of the year to start your job life. The only thing that is any Good is that I think my relationship with my parents is getting better. I mean, I'm not as monotonous around them anymore. I've opened up a tad. Which may be a result of lack of social life. It hasn't snowed yet. Knock on wood. I have no idea how it hasn't. But I kind of want it to snow. Although, no I don't. But I do. But ultimately I don't. I just need to move. Start over. I can't express how badly I want to go to Canada. It's literally taunting me, now. The last two days, I've been seeing nothing but Canada. Seriously, though, life. Throw me a bone. My wish is to go to Canada, and be a friggen Canadian! Am I really asking that much? To go from being American to Canadian?? If I took a pole, most people would say I'm downgrading. So, what.. I'd rather have a girl who'd rather go 5 dollar bowling instead of 50 dollar dinner or whatever. Who has a slight case of social retardation instead of a large case of social whorification. === I just don't find it fair. I'm not a bad person. I'm nice. I'm polite. I've got my sense of humor. I'm pleasant to be around. There is nothing wrong with me, at all. I'm the kind of guy you're parents would want you to hang out with. Inside and out. (Maybe that's the problem) But all that is wasting away behind this computer, or books, or stupid papers for a college that 1. I don't want to go to, 2. Isn't respected and 3. Has nothing for me. Maybe it's the weather talking, but it's just been very empty lately. It didn't always bother me. And it still doesn't 100%, but it bothers me enough for me to be bothered by it. I'm just too much of a dreamer. There's no realist in me.

I feel like telling Mary (Who's known I like her since June) that I wish she never found out I liked her. Because I do wish it. Greatly. I loved when she didn't know. It was a secret, mysterious relationship. It was a game. And it was a fun game. But now it's like. . . It's like a good book. While you are reading it, you think "Wow, this book is amazing." But then you get to the last paragraph, and that last sentence just lacks the emotion you hoped for, and so now the whole book is kind of ruined because the last sentence failed. It was nice while you were reading it, but it just leaves you with a final thought of "eh.." Me telling Mary I liked her was that last paragraph of this book. It just kind of ruined it. ============================ I want it back. I wish I could take it back. I want someone in my life who I fall madly for, but keep it a secret. It can be sad at times, but it's worth it to me. I'd rather live my life with unrequited love than a real relationship. But I now have no one. I really don't have Anyone in my life, anymore. Those who ARE in my life are only in it for once a month, on average. I wonder what it'd be like right now if it never happened.

I’ve tried to write like you So beautiful So sad and true I’ve tried to write just like you do I never know those words you sing That softest voice The subtlety You captivate me with every key You left me wishing I had something better than I’ve ever known before And you taught me there’s always something more But home is home and we’ve been wrong To leave it for some new contagious song You have just a dozen words I’m missing what’s Not on this earth You have just a dozen words I still love you more than air You’re beautiful And no one can compare You’re so distant and so unaware You left me wishing I had something better than I’ve ever known before And you taught me there’s always something more But home is home and we’ve been wrong To leave it for some new contagious song

People like me should come with a disclaimer: "Has a tendancy to keep an avoidant personality. If you ask him to do something and he gives even the smallest of excuses, then give in because he really does not want to do something. The more you pester him, the greater the excuses will become until his excuses become lies." Somehow, I wish everyone could know this without them having to find out by either 1. Them discovering it and deciding for themselves that I'm a dillhole 2. Me having to tell them after making up excuses that "I'm not a friendly person. I'm nice, yeah, but I'd rather be by myself than hang out with people... it's nothing personal." Because then I still seem like a bit of a dillhole to them. ========================