Sorry drea for that stupid journal entry ealier. Don't hurt me but I'd also like too apologize for saying its over between me and DS. I feel like I lied too all of my readers. Sorry I've just been going thorugh a lot of things. My writing has been poor lately and its mainly because of my personal problems. Now my family is starting to treat me different again. Again and again I have to face the prejudice from someone. I'm so damn tired of people and my family and now I have more and more people telling me I'm going to hell or some other crap like I'm OCD or physchotic or mentally crazy. I don't see anything wrong with me but I'm tired of all the crap drea its set to public now so u can read this. You should know that I'm about to snap and I can't take much more and u know when I snap then...

So this is some crazy crap,my dream is what I mean. I had a dream last night that I had sex with the most amazing guy. The dream was a little weird though. Its like it was real! I don't even believe in having sex until I'm married wierdiest dream ever. Anyway TTYL

For some resaon no matter how much someone hurts me I can't do the same to them. It just wouldn't feel right for me to treat someone even mildley wrong. My heart won't let me do it. The wierdiest thing is that its naturally in my blood to be all the following but not limited too(a rapiest,abuser,alcholic,homophic,and an overall mean person.) all of the things I'm supposed to be I'm not. For some resaon I turned out to be the differnt one in my family. Unlike the others I'm passive and I take pain and just let it linger on me. Alex (as always) is my prime example. One day I defended him because he wanted to play a card game in class and no one would let him play so I tried and eventually did convince them to let him play. When he couldn't I told him he was pouting and he told me to shut the hell up. All I did was walk away. Guess my blood is differnt its probably... Nah can't be :)

So even though I was to make my decision today I didn't. Stupid ol me and I don't even have good reasons. At the same time when I talk to him its like blah. He knows I don't care for talking too him. He swears he loves me but he has diminished my trust in him. Never again will I trust him hell I hate talking too him. I actually gave that heartless bastard the benefit of the doubt and he has destroyed the benefits all of them! What a surprise he lied too me again. He said he would call me back in five minutes and its been twelve minutes. That's it I'm tired of his constant lying and game playing that fat bastard can take a fucking bow for real. He's pushed me off the edge. To the few of you that know and love me don't take a risk like I did. You don't want too feel the way I feel. I'm already hurt from alex but now derek has made it worst. So my final words are bye so anyway ttyl

Is today or never. I think after talking too drea I know what I want too do. She always has a way of counceling me even when she dosent try. I think its finally over. I need to end it with him he dosent do much good for me. I can't be in an unstable relationship with someone. I can't be with someone who I know does nothing but hurt me. So I guess its really over. I'm going to move on! No more D.S. In my life. Of course my other problem still resides on me like a blood sucking leech. Alex is always a daily problem for me. He's like something I can't get rid of (like aids) but something I want to keep (like a sword from a great great samuri grandfather). I truly do love that boy no matter how much he kills me inside. But anyway I know that today is decision day and I know my final dècision which will be...

Is what I shoudve told him. I'm stupid enough to take him back. But that's okay his next few hours are going to be hell when he tries to call me or text me I hate it for him. I guess I can't treat him bad because he reminds so much of alex (except alex is sexier). Their personalities are so similar that it sickens me. I hate it because I don't need another alex in my life. Uhh! I hate this ...

Is a legendary tale of misery and woe. I don't even feel comfortable in my life. I always have relationship trouble and its because I always date complete jerks. I can't believe the guy I wanted to date who supposly loved me would hurt me like that. He had the nerve too suggest a girls pussy can turn me straight when he knows how sensitive I am about my sexuality. He knows I'm full gay and for him to even say that too me makes me feel like crap. I thought that at least the guy I like would feel something for me. Society makes me suffer enough and now my own lover. To make mayers worst my favorite cousin tells me I'm gay people go too hell. The only reason why he didn't say it in those exact words is because I'm his cousin. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by people. I think people hate homosexuals because we differniate the world. But whatever I know that one of the only people I feel comfortable with is yesmine and drea. Those are truly some of the best pepole I've ever met. Plus my friend gigi helps me a lot too she actually helped me tonight I thank her for that. Anyway ttyl. Comments? Email me Nintenboy@alltel.blackberry.com voice your opinipn!

Is what I've been feeling. I broke up my future relationship with a guy who I thought liked me. He still claims he likes me but how can that be if he wants too be straight. Someone like him can't be a jerk to me. But on the other hand he's just like alex. I almost see no difference between the two. I honestly think they mihgt be distant cousins. To make it worst the guy tells me that he can't be straight because of me. For one thing I can't and won't be responsible for holding somebody back from being what they want to be. That's not me I'm not that type of person but personally my heart feels like he would be better of straight anyway. But I guess its not over... Yet

Just a whole bunch of other things. I'm just so confused and pissed off. Alex makes me feel empty like I have no soul. I feel heartless like the life has been ripted out of me.my life is...

I love ur entry I agree with a lot of what u said but hearing the crowd annoys me. You seem preety cool though. When singers mess up I love it too because it says that they're not perfect. So anyway stay cool