Wow I haven't journaled in a while. Just got a few things to say for starters I'm in high school now...yay! I love it so far because I'm in the school I'm supposed to be in which by the way is a lot better than where I was going for the first 3 1/2 days of high school. And of yea alex called me today and oh boy how "exciting" that was for me. My favorite part of the conversation when he told me about this hot columbian girl on his bus. He was so totally not trying to piss me off. (haha yea right) I'm about to just give up on him but I know that's not me to give up on something I really want. At the same time there's only so much I can take! (Sigh) whatever happens will happen personally I don't care anymore even if he claims these things that he likes me I just don't care anymore I'm through

I'm like wishy washy right now. I don't know its like I'm happy but I get mad when I think about going back home. I'm just so ready to move in and its like I still have almost a. Year. But I guess I shouldn't be complaing I am lucky enough to get away from their. So yea boy I got a miracle today. I got to see my aunt from my dads side. Weirdddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway ill journal later

I don't wanna start doing it again because of the promise I made to drea. But sometimes its so hard to resist bècause when you live with a nappy headed hoe like I do you'll understand. I know it seems complicated but if you only knew her like I know her. The frizzy headed hoe is so fake she just makes me sick literally. She pushes me to drink but I won't under any circumstances drink because I vaule my friendship too much yea anyway ttyl

Is the stupidiest thing in the world! How can you judge someone you don't even know and I know that can be good in some cases but not when its a race of people. You can't just say something like "I hate all gay people because they're sinners". Last time I checked everyone sins so let go of it. I really just don't like this because it pisses me off even more than I already be. Its like my life is a fuc***** everlasting chain of depression sorrow and big disappoints. I know I sound like a normal tennage boy with a normal life but trust me I only type about 1/4 of my life on here and trust me that's a good thing because if it was all typed on here...

For high school. Now that I really think about it um not ready. The sudden changes and plus this is the start of the rest of my life. Its not that I'm too scared I'm just scared of the fact that a lot of people will either change or show their true self. Honestly I can't take that for some of my driends because I know that change can be good or bad. Some people might seperate themselves from me because I'm gay and they might be to ashamed to hang out with me. Trust me its happened to me before and I'm so scared of it all repeating itself again. And too make it worse well never mind on that one. But anyone I need to take a chill pill ttyl

I've been so happy for the past few days! I've been having the time of my life with my new sister karissa and our brother sister mommy and cousins. I'm so much more happy here than I am when I'm with my aunt. Its like this is my family now I can't wait to move in next year. But of course for those of you that read my journal will know that their has to be something wrong and you'd be 100% correct! So if you're begging to know which I know you are drea! Its... Alex! Yea he replied to that message and oh boi it was an interesting reply! Well first off he used the mental illness excuse! Apparently he's physcologically sick and he didn't have his medicine when he was acting crazy! He asked did I want to save the friendship and I haven't replied yet but I'm thinking about what to do. But I'm so confused I want to be his friend I really do but how can I believe a compulsive liar! He's so I mean perfect in my eyes but a complete a**hole in reality! He said he's done lying and trying to stop drinking. How can I believe him though? I mean when you love someone you're not supposed to give up on them but anyway I guess ill give him another chance but this is the last time! No more chances! Of course I say that but drea you know the truth...

I'm so scared for some reason I keep having strange images that they'll be another holocaust. I sound crazy and physcotic I know but still they keep coming to me. Its scary I don't like it could it actually be true. Maybe I'm paranoid but I fear its going to be all across north america and the worst part is it'll only be towardz gay people. That scares the hell out of me! I know what your thinking how can you trust a paranoid teen who believes he'll die when he's fifteen. It seems weird but still I believe its going to happen. I'm so stupid I mean it seems impossible but still. To my readers please don't think I'm crazy I just simply have my beliefs just like anyone else. That's all =]

For me its gonna be a long long way to happy. Even though I've attepted to destroy my feelings for alex me of all people should know feelings can't just be destroyed. Don't get me wrong I can stop loving alex but its gonna take time. I'm still hurt right now and in a way I'm still speechless. Now I can at least say more than I could ealier. Its like my life is so... I'm not sure its like I have nothing to say. Alex hurt me so much after he claimed he liked me. Its like he's a compulsive liar and I can't tell his truths from his lies anymore. I've bothered so many of my friends about this alex crap. I wish I could apologize to them all and also thank them because they didn't have to listen to me complain and bitc** about something that couldve been avoided. I feel like its impossible for me to ever feel the way I used too. I used to think love was a bunch of bull crap. I didn't think it was real but now I know now I see. Things are different now better? Worse? Thatll be decided whenever I go to sleep and wake up

I'm so... I can't believe! Ugh never again will I give my heart to another person never! I won't make myself look this stupid again.

Is hard. Its always disappointing to me. Almost everything in my life is so gosh dam disappoiting! I always feel like who can understand me? I know drea does but the fact is drea isn't with me 24/7 so without her I'm like hopeless! I know yesmine understands too because well duh she's gay too. I just can't deal with this crap anymore everday I strive so much to be perfect or a perfect christian. Its like it does me no good at all its like the more perfect I try to be the more it blows up in my face. I try everyday to explain to people the same resason I'm gay is the same reason you're straight but all they say is you have a demon spirit in you. I feel so evil when I hear that its like they are telling me I'm controlled and I'm going to hell. Then I was watching narnia prince caspian. At the end of the movie I get really pissed because that's the last movie peter and susan will be in. You can't take two main characters out of a story its just criminal! I just stay so pissed all the time and its like I can't be happy! I don't know how too be happy anymore. I want to talk to alex he was always a good remedy for my problems. Talking to alex always made me so happy and I felt like my problems were gone away! That's why I love alex when I'm around him my life is better. Sure I msy complain about him everyday but those complaints mean nothing to me. How can someone like me be predestined for hell its like be born to burn. Sexuality has always been a major issue for me I'm just so tired of it. Its like my soul has been shattered and yet people continue to tortue it. They all laugh at me thinj of me as a big joke is that all I am. A big joke? Well I tell you what if this continues they'll hate me a lot more than they do now