So Leah Andreone is an amazing singer, and her song Lamentation has been stuck in my head forever. It's heartbreaking, breathtaking, and mindblowing all at the same time. Listen, please. School's over on friday. Obviously, I'm excited. I've been bitching about school in almost every entry. But then there's that other part of me that's like... oh shit. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to? Why do I feel like I didn't, AT ALL? Probably because I didn't. I feel like I didn't meet enough people, succeed enough, have enough fun... idk. I just feel like something was missing from this year. I know for a fact that I lost friends. Not in fights or anything. Just because we grew apart. That kills me. Literally, it hurts to see them in the hallway or to try to walk to class with them and have it be incredibly awkward. But I guess that's life. The other thing that's bothering me is the fact that I'm probably never going to see some of my senior friends again. John and John? I adore both of them. They're like my big brothers. I really don't want to lose them. Marie and Allie too. I know I'll still have Kait, because I've known her for years... but I don't want to lose all the others. And even the juniors I became friends with late in the year. Eric, Franco, Chris, Meri, Katie? The last thing I want is to see them next year and feel too awkward to say hi. I hate losing touch with people. I always feel like my friends don't last unless I've known them since I was little. That scares me. But all of this, and all the shit I put myself through this year, just makes me even more excited for summer and junior year. I'm ready for a clean slate. I'm set on reinventing myself, and doing things RIGHT from now on. Fuck it. Bring on summer. Everything else will fall into place.

If summer were a song, it would probably sound something like Buzzin by Shwayze. Listen to it on the beach. It's lovely. Oh, and in case you were wondering (which you weren't) that movie I was watching in the last entry (L'Auberge Espagnole or something like that) was on again the next day, so I watched it. It was reeeeeally good, as I predicted. So look for that and watch it. Please? I'm reading Desperation by Stephen King. I just started it today, so I'm not far in. But, MY LORD, it's amazing. I love him. He's genius. Read his stuff. Oh and, read stuff by Richard Bachman. It's Stephen King's pen name. I'm watching The Rage: Carrie 2. I find these 90's high school movie scenes hilarious. The scenes where everyone's waiting around before homeroom and they just pan across the school grounds. First of all, EVERYONE is sitting in their respective cliques. Sure, they exist. But in these movies, they're so defined. It's almost comical. It's just a big field of high school cliches. For some reason, the cheerleading team is always practicing cheers. The stoners are always smoking, right out in broad daylight in front of the school. They're usually playing guitar too. At least one guy in the group of football players is holding a football, and screaming their vulgar catcalls across the courtyard to the elite girls, who are always primping. The theatre kids are always running lines, and the art kids are always painting. The skater kids are always skating through everyone else. Not to mention, there's always the popular guy (in this case its Jason London) who is oddly into the wierd girl, and is surprisingly interested in the same underground bands/books/movies/theatre as her. I really do love 90's movies. They're the most cheesy cliche films ever made, and yet some of the best. (i.e. Scream - It actually has scenes where the list the basic rules of surviving a horror film.) Plus, the music is always awesome, and the clothes were great. Long live oversized flannel (; I feel like I sit on the computer writing each of these entries for hours. Then I read them, and there's barely anything written. Probably because I try to do far too much at once. I want to see The Happening. Though I didn't like Signs much, I have respect for M. Night Shyamalan. Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense were two of the smartest movies I've ever seen. I hate when people tell me the The Sixth Sense was stupid and not scary. It wasn't meant to be really scary. It's not considered a horror film. Sure, it's creepy and there's definately some scenes that gave me nightmares when I first saw it. But it's so well thought out. The ending was perfect. I love movies that smack you in the face with clues all the way through, but you never realize it until the end. I find it hysterical and ONCE AGAIN cliche that the football coach in this movie is the only one with a southern accent. The lighting is affective though. It's always lower when something bad/related to Rachel's past/related to Lisa's suicide is happening. Obviously intentional. Clevaah. Every other commercial is for Warped. It's my favorite day of the summer, hands down. It's so wierd to think this year will be my FIFTH. I don't like being old. I drive, I have a job. Soon I'll have to start thinking about college. I'm almost too old to be called a kid. No, fuck that. I'll be a kid all my life. Either that, or I'll just go to Neverland. Jest like Peetah! That's probably my favorite movie/story ever. But the best version of the movie is the one from 1960, with Mary Martin as Peter. Sure, Jeremy Sumpter was verrrrrrry good looking as Peter in 2003, but nothing's gunna beat Mary Martin and the 1960 version. Not even the cartoon Disney one. So if you haven't seen the Mary Martin one, I suggest you do. It's wonderful. I bought myself a DVD/VCR player for my room with that movie specifically in mind, because I missed being able to watch it whenever I wanted. Like right now. So I think I'm going to do that. 'Bye.

Ignorance, Apathy Binge/Purge by Death By Stereo. Off you go. I'm watching some foreign film on IFC. It's called L'Auberge Espagnole. And it's probably really good. But I'm distracted. I usually can do this - mess around on the computer and watch a movie by listening to it. However, I don't understand French. And I only know a little Spanish. And they're talking way to fast to for me to figure it out. Ah, well. It'll be on again. Now watch - because I said that, it will never be on again. Oh, okay they speak English in this too. Clearly, I've missed too much to start watching now. I have nothing to say, if you haven't already guessed. Beach, day 2. I went yesterday too. School is pointless now - it's just reviews, if that. We've had half days today and yesterday. Love this ridiculous heat wave. This could possibly end up being a really pointless entry. For the record, the song I recommended happened to be playing on my iPod. It's definately amazing, and you should listen to Death By Stereo, but it has nothing to do with this entry, or my state of mind, or anything. It was a stretch to become a reccomendation. I might have to expand the recommendations to books and movies as well. Which might make it harder for you to take the recommendation. Because a) it's not guaranteed you read, and b) most of the movies will be obscure indie films. ...Not like anyone downloads the songs I recommend anyway. Though I really wish you did. First sunburn of the year is always the worst. And for me, it's usually the only one. But I need aloe, pronto. Sand is so freakin' eerie. So you mean to tell me that this absurdly small peice of sand was once a mountain? I don't know, I find it odd... something so grand as a mountain or huge rock formation could be pounded down and washed over so much that it becomes a grain of sand. No longer an individual, but just an insignificant part of the whole. ...What does that mean for the rest of the world?

Roisin Murphy, you're incredible. Listen to her. Listen to Night Of The Dancing Flame and Ramalama (Bang Bang) So so so good. So nothing's happening. I'm fine. I have my permit. I just got a job. Summer's in like 2 weeks. Things are just fine. But I realized I never did this. And by this, I mean I never told anything about myself, and I'll do it by way of survey. Okay, as I typed that, I felt progressively lamer. Whatever. I'm not caring anymore. You won't read this. I know I never read these in people's journals. I'm totally chill with that. Name: Courtney, even though my username says "Curtney" Date of Birth: May 11, 1992 Birthplace: New Jersey Current Location: Manalapan, NJ Eye Color: Auburn-ish. Swear. Hair Color: Brown and blond. Height: 5 Foot Heritage: Italian, English, Irish, and a wee bit of French and Native American. Piercings: Just ears, for now. Tattoos: Ugh none YET Favorites: Band/Singer: Oh jeez I'll narrow it down as much as I can. Say Anything, Bayside, Ludo, Stick To Your Guns, Brand New, Ligeia, Imogen Heap, Death Cab For Cutie, The Shins, a buncha local bands from around here... Okay, I'll stop there. Song: Yeah, okay. I'm so sure I can pick one. Movie: Again, I'll narrow it down as much as I can! The Chumscrubber, Donnie Darko, The Dreamers, Rory Oshea Was Here, Lords Of Dogtown, Now and Then, or Sex And The City Disney Movie: Oh wow, these are killing me. The Troll In Central Park (I think it's Disney), The Little Mermaid, or The Lion King. TV show: Degrassi, Gossip Girl (I say that proudly), The Hills (I say that less proudly), Stevens Untitled Rock Show, Project Runway, Sex and the City (See the movie, NOW), or The Office Color: Green Food: Sushi, or a nice backyard grilled cheeseburger in the middle of the summer (: Pizza topping: Anything. No, seriously. Ice-Cream Flavor: Strawberry, or Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. Omg, godly. Drink (alcoholic): Malibu Baybreeze. Or Vodka and Cranberry Or Pizza & Beer! Hells yeah, I'm Jersey as fuck. Soda: Pepsi Store: Forever 21, Hot Topic, Barnes and Noble Clothing Brand: I own NOTHING from these, but I like them: Betsey Johnson, Heatherette, Glamour Kills But it doesn't matter. Shoe Brand: Old Navy Flip Flops 2 for $5! And Converse. And crazy rainbow Nikes. Season: Summer or Fall Month: September, July (the only month with absolutely no school), and December Holiday/Festival: Christmas, Halloween Flower: Sunflowers and Lilys (Lilies?) Make-Up Item: Mascara. Oh or Urban Decay Eyeshadow. They have the most incredible colors. Board game: Monopoly, DISNEY TRIVIA, Scene It This or That: Sunny or rainy: Hmm... I love either Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla ice cream, chocolate everything else Fruit or veggie: Fruit Night or day: Night Sour or sweet: Sweet Love or money: Love Phone or in person: In person Looks or personality: PERSONALITY Nothing worse than an attractive guy who can't hold a conversation Coffee or tea: Coffee Hot or cold: Cold Your: Goal for this year: Stop worrying Most missed memory: I think it'll always be either camp or seventh grade. Good fuckn times Best physical feature: Uhhhhh, I'm not sure! First thought waking up: Leave me alooooooone! Hypothetical personality disorder: Bipolar Disorder, ADD, OCD, etc etc Preferred type of plastic surgery: None, please Sesame street alter ego: ELMO! Def. Fairytale alter ego: Peter Pan Most stupid remark: Oh, there's a lot. Worst crime: Nothing legit, for now. Greatest ambition: To live in NYC, making my living as a writer/photographer. Greatest fear: Falling to my death, not fulfilling my life Darkest secret: Yeah, lemme post my darkest secret online. Favorite subject: Creative Writing, or English Strangest received gift: Hahahaha, my insane hilarious aunt mailed me $5 and a package of Depends Adult Diapers for my 16th birthday, because I'm getting so old. I love her so much. Worst habit: I bite my cuticles Do You: Smoke: Nope Drink: Sometimes Curse: Yeah, but I hate it. It sounds trashy. Shower daily: Yeah Like thunderstorms: YES Dance in the rain: Lmao, absolutely. Sing: Far too much Play an instrument: Played saxaphone from grade 4 to grade 7. And I was damn good. But now I wanna play guitar. I know, I'm unoriginal. Everyone plays guitar nowadays. Get along with your parents: It used to be Dad - yes, Mom - never. But lately it switched. Wish on stars: I admit, I do the occasional "Star light, star bright - first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might - make this wish come true tonight" Believe in fate: No Believe in love at first sight: That's called LUST Can You: Drive: Hell yeah (; Sew: Yep Cook: Yep Speak another language: Español, un poquito Dance: Yeah! I never leave the dancefloor. But I wish wish WISH I did so professionally, or at least took classes. Sing: Somewhat, but I never do in front of people. Touch your nose with your tongue: Almost! Whistle: No Curl your tongue: Yep Have you ever: Been Drunk: Yes Been Stoned/High: No Eaten Sushi: Love it! I had it just now for dinner, actually. Been in Love: Possibly, but probably not. Skipped school: Faked sick, yes. Cut school, no. Cut class, yes. Made prank calls: All the time. I'm 10, I swear. Sent someone a love letter: Haha yes! 6th grade, me and my "boyfriend" wrote them to each other all the time. I recently found a bunch. Stolen something: Yeah Cried yourself to sleep: Yeah Other questions: What annoys you most in a person? Immaturity, stubborness, rudeness, close-mindedness, cockyness, lying Are you right or left handed? Lefty What is your bedtime? Whenever. Though mommy says 11 and daddy says 12. Doesn't matter. I can never get up regardless. Name three things you can't live without: iPod, Books, TV/Movies What is the color of your room? Pink, still there from when I was 6 Do you have any siblings? One older brother Do you have any pets? A dog Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars? No. What is your middle name? Elizabeth ^ Wierd! That was here from the girl I stole this from. Elizabeth is mine as well. What are your nicknames? Court, Burgie, Burg, Tanny, Taco, Chela, Frigid, CB, Cawt, Ney, C. burg, Killswitch, Corny, and I think that's it. Are you for or against gay marriage? For. Love is love. What are your thoughts on abortion? Prochoice. Why should the government decide what you do with your body? Do you have a crush on anyone? Nah Are you afraid of the dark? Not usually How do you want to die? Painlessly. What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day? A lot. It's all I eat in the summer. Would you take a bullet for the one you love? Hmm. That's tough. Maybe? What is the last law you've broken? I was speeding about an hour ago. And I just downloaded a bunch of songs. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. In members of the opposite sex: Hair color: I love redheads. Eye color: Something interesting and deep. Height: Taller than me, or same size. Only I don't know any boys that are 5 foot or under. So I shouldn't have a problem. Weight: I generally don't care, but I don't like too skinny or too big. Happy medium. Most important physical feature: Eyes, and smile. Biggest turn-off: Boring personality, too touchy-feely, or too controlling Theeeeee end. Wasn't that fun?

Listen to Imogen Heap. Everything you can get your hands on. Listen to it all. Her songs are like movie scenes. My top picks would be: 1. Hide And Seek 2. The Moment I Said It 3. Just For Now But enough of that. I really have nothing to say. Nothing is going on. I'm listening to music, as always. I'm putting off my homework, as always. I have far too much on my plate, as always. I drove today. Panic attacks ensued. I think Ludo's album 'Broken Bride' (yesterday's suggestion) is the most tragically romantic story ever Boy and girl are in love. Girl dies in car accident in 1989. Boy grieves and builds a time machine so he can go back save her. Boy's time machine malfunctions and crashes in prehistoric times. Boy hides in a cave. Boy works up enough balls to fight the dinosaurs. Boy defeats crazy beasts, becomes hero, and fixes time machine. Boy gets back to the morning in May 1989. Boy lays with girl, savoring the moment. Girl gets in the car for her ill fated car ride. Boy runs up to the car, and gets in with her, telling her he "thought he'd come along for the ride," Boy tells girl "Baby, hold on, we're almost home," That was a mouthful. But lovely nonetheless. I've been struck with inspiration. I actually have a plan for my final project in Creative Writing. The inspiration came from Imogen Heap. So now I just have to write 5 short stories by Monday. And finish my 13 page English portfolio by Friday. And finish my math packet by tomorrow, 2nd period. It's 10:28pm, Wednesday night. Procrastination is a bitch. I'd call this crunch time.

For today, I urge you to download Ludo's album 'Broken Bride'. It's only 5 songs, and it's really, really worth it. Listen to it in order too. First 'Part I: Broken Bride' then 'Save Our City' then parts 2, 3 and 4. So it's been a while. I haven't had much to say. I could have easily signed on and chattered on about how happy I've been. But what fun would that be? You're all here to see some blood. Besides; "art never comes from happiness," But anyway. I'm feeling... replaced and forgotten. Like I'm fading into the woodwork. It's a familiar feeling. It's what I've been feeling my whole life. That's eating at me, as well as everything I've bitched about in the other entries on here. It's like I took a week long vacation from myself. And to catch up, everything came rushing back at me in warp speed and hit me square in the chest. It's leaving one hell of a bruise. I just need someone to hold me and tell me I matter. What's the point of all this self confidence if it turns out that I'm wrong? Fourteen more days. And there's far too much on my plate. I'm living completely in my head now. I can't even find the line between my imagination and reality anymore. Scenario after scenario plays out in my head, and it all feels so real. I'm holding grudges with people that I really only fought with in my mind. I'm smiling at the boys that only fell for me in my dreams. The line between wake and sleep blurs a lot more often than what's healthy. I ignore my problems. When my problem happens to be my best friend, I ignore her too. What am I even doing?

[My title was going to be 'It's A Cruel, Cruel Summer' But the survey I did told me otherwise.] Hahaha. Whenever it's this hot, I can't help but hum Cruel Summer by Bananarama. So that's my pick for today. Without even noticing, my "pick of the day" has nonchalantly turned into something necessary in every one of my entries. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Anyway, it's humid. And nasty. And I can't sleep, so I'm writing. Because its been a while. I'm doing well. This weekend was nice. It was the 22nd Annual Manalapan Memorial Day Soccer Tournament! Yaaaay! No, seriously. That wasn't even sarcasm. I love it. It's probably my favorite weekend of every year. Three days of doing nothing but hanging out at the rec center, playing soccer, watching soccer, eating greasy cheeseburgers and cherry ices, drinking gatorade, and getting ridiculous shinguard/jersey tanlines. For any soccer player in the area [and a few teams out of the area], it's the place to be. I'm such a jock, it's not even funny. I could probably write a book about the tournament. The feeling of camaraderie and nostalgia. Belonging. Etc, etc. Oh! And to top it off, we had off from Friday - Tuesday. Therefore, this school week is only Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And I think Friday is a half day because of Senior Prom. God, I love the end of the year. Anyway, I don't have much else to say. So I'm doing this survey thing again. Because I'm bored and already listening to my iTunes on shuffle. INSTRUCTIONS 1. Put your music player on shuffle. 2. Press forward for each question. 3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? We Killed It [It COULD make sense, not for today though] WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? Still Fly [HAHAHA, MOST DEF! Download that, btw - Still Fly by The Devil Wears Prada] WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Seein' Red [Yeah, maybe] WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? The Party Scene [Hells yeah...] WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU? Carry On [I guess so] HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? Cold And Blue And Lifeless [Hahaha pretty much] HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? The Truth Is, You Should Lie With Me [Based on the title alone: Aw (: Based on the lyrical content: Yeah most likely hahaha] WILL YOU GET MARRIED? Fast Forward To 2012 [Um?] WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? Say (All I Need) [Pardon?] ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? Someone Else's Dream [That actually makes really good sense!] WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE? There's No 'I' In Team [Partnership? Group? Collaboration?] WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? We're Gunna Have Us A Champagne Jam [Sounds like a party to me] THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: Head Club [Based on the lyrics - Yeah, unfortunately] YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: Seven Deadly Sins [Haha, YES!] WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? Baby Got Back [Hahahahahah, oh lord. Oh and download THIS too - Throwdown's cover of Baby Got Back. It's hilarious] WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? The Kids Don't Stand A Chance [Touche] WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? Everything [How cheesily appropriate] WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? What If You [Makes no sense] YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? Linger [Huh?] HOW WILL I DIE? Tortures Of The Damned [Sounds painful] THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE? Aliens Exist I swear, one day I'll do this and ALL of them will make sense. Bye for now. Maybe something monumental will happen, and I won't have to bore you with surveys. But probably not.

Today's Reccomendation; Jesus Christ by Brand New. At least read the lyrics. Which brings me to this entry. So, again, I found myself reading Quit_Lollygagging's journal. Again, she got me thinking. I wonder if she's ever read mine... Yeah, I fully realize that I sound like a huge stalker creep. But all I'm saying is she's refreshing. Introspective. But anyway. She was talking about death. About where we go. And it reminded me so much of the song Jesus Christ. Yeah, the one I reccomended up there ^. And basically, the song is so perfect for me right now. It's such a beautiful song. I always seem to forget how much I love it. It's definitely one of my favorites. The song itself is so well thought out, in a way that seems so random. 'What the fuck is she talking about?' What I mean is it's so intricate. Clever. Brilliant. But that way it's laid out, it sounds like Jesse's thoughts just rambled out as they come to his head. Which brings me to the part that Quit_Lollygagging's entry so distinctly reminded me of. Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die. I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Or do I float through the ceiling? Will I divide and pull apart? Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. And this ship went down in sight of land. And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands? I can't even begin to pick this apart. I would be here for days. And this is only one small part. It's such common thoughts, though. Where are we headed? What will it be like? Then to the part (which happens to come before the part I already mentioned) that always seems to remind me of my life. Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face - The kind you'd find on someone I could save. If they don't put me away, well Well it'll be a miracle. Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive, I won't know anyone. Who hasn't had that feeling? Honestly. I've been feeling this way to frequently. I may be happy, but I'm still lonely. I still feel isolated and like I'm missing out. And yeah, there's someone I'm interested. And we talk. But barely. I feel like I have absolutely no chance and it's possibly the most frustrating thing ever. But I promised myself I wouldn't go off on a teenage unrequited love rant. But it's what I'm feeling. Unfortunately. He's a nice boy too. Which is new. Ugh. I'm stopping now before I get insane. Just please buy the cd, download the song, listen to it online, read the lyrics... Just give this song a chance. It's incredible. A complete break down and discussion about this song could go on for weeks. On this site, this song has over 400 comments. People talking about it. Decyphering the symbolism... Again, I'm gunna stop myself before I go off on a rant about this. I just hope you take my advice.

Stick To Your Guns, oh how I love you. That's my reccomendation for today. Listen to them. Anyway. Clearly, I have my dramatic ups and downs. Today, I'm up. Lately, when I'm not having a bad day, I'm more confident. I'm secure. It's nice. I hate when this happens. I came here with a entire day's worth of things I needed to get off my chest and now I have nothing. Well, I have one thing. My ex. He's different now. Well, he's just surprising us all. Curveball, majorly. He's with this girl now. She's so completely not his type. He's keeping her secret to majority of his friends. Apparently, they fucked all weekend. They just met. SO not like him, let me tell you. He went from me to this girl Taylor to the new girl. Cara, I think. I just can't wrap my head around it though! Taylor and I are nice girls. Respectable. Yadda yadda. Cara is ...not. She's um... okay she's a slut. I'm sorry. I didn't want to say it, but I couldn't put it any differently. I sound awful right now, I know. But if you knew him, or better yet if you knew HER, you'd see what I meant. It's wierd! Not to mention, he's back to what he normally does when he moves on from me. [We have the most unhealthy relationship ever in the history of relationships. We dated, loved each other, then I hated him, broke his heart, he hated me but still loved me, but found someone new, I fell for him again, painfully told him, he broke up with his girlfriend (NOT BECAUSE OF ME THOUGH, I SWEAR) and we tried "us" again, ended up hating each other, didn't speak for weeks, finally became friends again, he started to like me again, then we randomly stopped talking, even more randomly started again, and now we're here. And all this happened between September and now.] So he's being an immature brat. He goes through my MySpace and Facebook pictures and leaves obnoxious insulting comments like a little child. "Wow Court, nice face... cough." "This is just disturbing." Etc. I don't know. It's hard to make it sound anything less than pathetic and petty on here. But it's odd, and I'm so not looking forward to having yet another one of his new girlfriends rubbed in my face. He doesn't realize that it doesn't make me jealous. I'm happy he's moving on. I almost feel bad for the girl that he parades around in front of me. Like she's just for show. Whatever. I'm not dwelling on him. I'm not letting him get under my skin anymore. I'll let him lead his own life, whatever that may mean. I'm really upset I can't remember what I had to say! I feel like I had so much to get out! Ah, well. I'm tired. And really at ease. So I'm not gunna dig through my brain for things to rant about. I'm enjoying my peace of mind (: Oh, another reccomendation - Okay 2 of them. More Bayside. Download - Megan (Acoustic) Landing Feet First ^ I think I've mentioned them before. But they just came on one after the other on my shuffle and I really, really love them. So I figured I'd add it in. And I know I've said this, but really. If you want to talk about something in my journal, about music, about me, about you, about ANYTHING; talk to me. IM me, Email me, what have you. xbeatLOVEdown@aim.com That about wraps it up. G'night

So good, Say Anything. So good. Go buy 'In Defense Of The Genre'. Expose yourself to some class-A art. So I'm freaking out. My head is spinning. In school I felt sick and exhausted. Not to mention, I was fet up. [Surprised? Definitely not.] When I got home I was sluggish. Mom comes home, and I'm immediately pissed. She tends to do that. Fought with her all afternoon/evening. Went out after dinner, feelin' fine. Came home suddenly frustrated and hurt. Stupid shit hurt me. Stupid pointless petty ridiculous things. I'm not this fragile. I was never this fucking fragile. But I guess walls can't stay up forever. I can't breathe. I have that awful ball in my throat, something between needing to cry, needing to scream, and needing to run. Perhaps all three. It's funny. No matter how many times I listen to this song, I get the same stomach tightening reaction. I wish I saw him tonight. Or any of them really. Sometimes, they seem to be the only ones who don't think I'm royally fucked up in the head. Maybe it's because they never see me like this. Maybe that's why I love them so much. Because they don't know enough. It's always easier to love the ones you don't truly know. Sometimes I crave their company over that of my closest friends. It's my close friends who make me uneasy. They know too much. I just want him to come over again. He makes me feel special. Just in the way he looks at me. The way he kisses me on the forehead. The way I know he'd always be there if I needed. Too bad he's big brother's best friend. I need out. Big time. I need away time. Alone time. But not really alone - just away from the people here. The ones I know. The ones who know me. I need someone new. Not necessarily a love interest. Just somebody new to talk to. Maybe that's why I start so many of these online journals. I'm hoping someone will contact me. When it fails, which it always does, I cancel my account and move to the next website. The endless cycle of failed attempts to contact to the world. I'd like to think at least one person finds me interesting. I'd like to think at least one person wants to talk to me. I could be wrong. I'm probably wrong. This entry is turning into a huge sleep deprivation-induced stream of conciousness. I've been feeling a lot like Holden Caulfield lately. My apologies if I spelled his name wrong. I read the book last year. This CD is seriously mind-blowing. The lyrics... ugh I can't even talk about it. My words won't do it justice. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. The lonliness is in the pit of my stomach. I've been tearing at myself for hours trying to get rid of it. I'm still coughing up cobwebs. Despite the fact that I thought this was over, I'm back to square one. Once an addict, always an addict. Apparently, I'm addicted to self-depreciation and the overwhelming sense of being completely isolated. Not the most lovely of addictions, for the record. I'd trade it for meth sores and cocaine nosebleeds anyday. I just want someone to Follow Me Into The Dark. There has to be someone out there who wants to hold my hand for a while. PS - You won't understand a lot of this. Sorry for all the pronouns and vague statements. This is just my mind, typed out as best I could do it.