perfect company is the cutest freakin song
a cursive memory is the cutest freakin band
aw (: 

im not sure what mood im in
ive been at ease lately
im feeling optimistic though

i do that usually -

im great, accepting, positive
then i get apathetic and bored
then i get restless and angry
then depressed
have a breakdown
rinse, and repeat

the matches are so good
i wanna go see them again

there's this local band
and they are incredibly amazing
and i think they broke up D;
but they seriously do not sound like a bunch of nj teens
that also play(ed) in assorted hardcore bands
theyre called the boy judas, if you wanna try to find them on myspace or something
i bought their demo for like a dollar at a show they werent even playing in last december
or it might have even been free. yeah i think it was free
but i kinda forgot about it for a while, only to stumble across it this summer
thus falling completely in love with it

i really wish the starting line didnt break up
oh, im sorry
i really wish the starting line wasnt on hiatus until 2010
lets not forget that blink182 also said they were on haitus, hm?
but anyway
the acoustic version of the night life is lovely

if you couldnt tell i just have my itunes on shuffle and im writing about whatever song comes up

god, i wanna go to nyc so badly
i live an hour away from the city, and i havent gone since summer
i just never have time to do anything D;

its my field hockey banquet in an hour
no, dont even get me started on how unorganized it was
dont get me started on my fucking bitch ass coach
and our stupid stupid junior captains
dont get me started on how much i wish madison moved up to varsity
and rivlin moved up to coach jv, and then bruno came into coach freshman or something
the three of them would have done the program right
plus, theyre the most amazingly funny and fun guys i have ever met in my life hahaha
bruno and maddy are in their 20s and riv is in his 30s.
but they all think theyre still 18.
ah well. its free food.

i need to learn how to stop rambling
dear lord

god bless marijuana
i so needed last night

if only i could keep that feeling all day, everyday
yanno, with out having to smoke all day, everyday

me and amber arent talking
ugh, long story

but apparently when im depressed she cant talk to me
because she feels like its her fault
even though NOTHING of what ive vented to her about
has anyyyyyything to do with her

wtf? thanks for being there for me
she has trouble seeing that its not all about her

i have to go to work soon
fuck my fucking life

scott in customer service is so inhumanely adorable
dear lord, give me the fucking balls to talk to him!

i have so much homework, and ive done none of it
and i have work until 10
no sleep tonight, i guess

i really wish the 'newest journal' thing would update

seriously, gym class heroes? youre so good
well, at least the first 2 albums

i just wanna go out more
party more
smoke more
drink more
hook up with faceless strangers more

im finding that im never satisfied
never okay with things

fuck work, i really dont wanna go

on my own time (write on!) is such cute catchy little song, for future reference

i think ill go to college now, thank you
why wait, eh? im not gunna get any smarter
its not like im looking forward to anything else in high school
i mean besides graduation

i cant wait til winter brrrreak 
i cant stand anything anymore

fuck work
fuck school
fuck family
fuck friends
fuck errrrrthang, seriously

she said "every living creature on earth dies alone"
so true
so fucking true

so everytime i picture myself with a boy, 
yanno - a boy i like -
i always picture me crying, and him being there.
i dont know why
i think it means i want to be fixed
helped
put back together
...saved?

eh, whatever

save us by cartel will always me chills, NO MATTER WHAT

i never know what to put on here anymore
every day is exactly the same.
ha, nine inch nails.

but seriously it is

i feel like everyone on here has 'no ones reading this' in at least one entry,
even though everyone knows thats not true
were all just looking for confirmation that someone gives a shit about what were saying
i happen to have it in almost all of my entries.
i guess that crowns me Most Obnoxiously Attention Needy on this site.
thank you, thank you, you're all too kind.

A by cartel is also amazing.
i dont know why, but it gives me chills too.
just the way will's voice sounds at this one part -
when he's like 'we know theres answer!...'
and it sounds really far away, and distorted.
and then the whole 'THEY'RE CATCHING ON TO UUUUS!' part
ugh, idk. its cool.

three day week this week, oh yeah.
thanksgiving with the family on thursday, fuck my life.

i just cant wait til college.
how many more days?
oh, only about 680.

i dont know what else to say...
NO ONES READING THIS... hehe (;

but really. i have nothing but cats songs in my head....
oh wow never was there ever a cat so clever as magical mr. mistoffeleeeeeees.... (: BYE

so im in the mood for love.
hahahaha lame.

i saw cats tonight.
i saw it on broadway when i was like 5 and i felll completely in love with it.
go ahead, laugh it up.
so njpac was doing a revival of it.
obviously i went.

but anyway. love. 
i think im in love with my brothers best friend.
yes, an interesting concept.
and my brother is thoroughly uncomfortable with the fact
that his friend comes and talks to me before heading to my brothers room.
i dont really see a problem with it ...(:

im pretty sure 'the other sister' is THE sweetest movie ever.
never before has a movie shown a more pure and innocent love story.

"i love you more than band music, and cookie making."
seriously. i adore this movie.

oh my my
i think the aforementioned friend of my brother's is staying over tonight.
break out the cute pajamas.

aka my clean sweatpants.

"- i wonder who thought up sex in the first place daniel.
- i think it was madonna, actually"

hahahahahhah <3

giovanni ribisi is one of the sexiest men alive.
only he's too adorable and heartbreaking in this movie to think about that.

i clearly have nothing of substance to say.

oh, for the record -
do NOT go on halfofus.com, because all the support and 'understanding' will make you sick.
do NOT watch max bemis's story if you think you might be bipolar or depressed, because you will relate to it on an overwhelming amount of levels.
do NOT take their self evaluation quiz if youre having doubts about your mental/emotional state -
it will all only make you feel worse.
and do NOT click yes on the question about contemplating suicide, even if you have.
because then a little box will pop up in the corner of your screen in bold letters that says
IF YOUVE CONTEMPLATED OR ARE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE, CALL 911 OR A HELPLINE IMMEDIATELY FOR A PROFESSIONAL EVALUATION AND EMOTIONAL COUNSELING.
therefore making you panic.
therefore making you feel like a fucking mental case that needs to have their shoelaces taken away and be locked in a padded room.
therefore making you feel even worse.

aw fuck. so much for being numb.

is it just me, or does the 'newest journal entry' thing NEVER UPDATE?

yesterday, i uploaded 20 of my old cd's onto my itunes.
one of them was underoath's 'theyre only chasing safety'

i suddenly find myself not having a problem with dating someone younger.
perhaps its because of THAT STUPIDLY ADORABLE sophmore.
hey, he's only a few months younger than me.

i literally feel NOTHING.
wtf is wrrrrrong with me?

these past few days have been NUMBNUMBNUMBNUMB.
few months ago, i was BEGGING for this.
i changed my mind. this fucking sucks.

why does no one ever just SAY what they MEAN?

hey, i think youre cute, would you like to be my new best friend?

anyone else listen to backseat goodbye?
anyone?
anyone?

honestly, i just want to get fucked up.
its been a while.

oh excellent, i have to wake up in 5 hours
then go to school for 6
then go to swim practice for 2
then go home and get 'cute'
and then go out with some lame people
who think they're enlightened and indie and cool as fuck
because they wear knit hats and keds and take pictures.

when all i really wanna do is get fucked up with my DEGEN friends. 
or any scum bag from my school, really.

fuck regret and lets burn this city down!

hahahaha yeah all time low?

listen to the song boring by the pierces.
or listen to live forever die tonight by innerpartysystem.
THAT is how i feel.

turns out princetonreview.com,
which our techers reccommend we use to find ideal colleges for ourselves,
also tells you which schools are the best party schools.
and breaks it down into -
- parties
- most beer
- most hard liquor
- reefer madness!
- best greek life
and then into -
- the party has left the building
- stone cold sober
- don't inhale!

and a good amount of other
useless-but-actually-more-useful-than-any-other-statistics categories.

wtf man, no ones reading this.

people only read my journal when i was depressed and used metaphors.

fuck you all, assholes!

how do you even begin to categorize a band like Between The Buried And Me?
you don't.

man, fuck grammar. idk why i tried so hard to be perfect on here.

i really have nothing worth saying. im not in much of a thinking mood. or a recounting one. or a comclusion drawing one. i'll just speak.
...eh, type.

bayside is amazing live.
ditto for the matches.

i want to take a trip with complete strangers.
take me somewhere dangerous.
somewhere sketchy.

apathy. thats what im feeling.
...or not feeling?

fuck you, half finished homework. stop fucking staring at me. 
im NOT finishing you.

for those of you who have never read chuck palahniuk, i advise you do so ASAP.

i should be seeing stick to your guns on friday.
but alas, things never seem to work out the way i want them to.

im thoroughly embarassed of some of the entries on here.
when the fuck did i get so whiny?

i apologize to anyone who read me go on and on about how much my life sucks.
im a teenager living in suburban new jersey in 2008. 
how could my life NOT suck?

the only thing jersey has is a notorious hardcore/generally legit local music scene.
onlyyyyyy... almost every single legit band has... er... DISbanded. ha. haha. get it? band, disband...
fuck off.

youd think 5 different people have contributed to this journal.
jaysus.

fuck my life, do i ever sleep anymore?

nah, not really.

oh and would someone like to clear this up for me?
the matches' new cd - a band in hope.
when did it/does it come out?
half the banners on their myspace are blinking ON SALE NOW!
and the others say OUT MARCH 18TH! or something.
please explain.

i probably should have put that at the beginning.
no one's still reading.

ah, well.
i tried, didnt i?