CurtneyIsASuperher0's Journal

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  • [57] Story Of My Life

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on January 22, 2009
    ...is i got bones. here is how to affectively avoid homework. Song #1: losing patience by comeback kid Your favorite lyric from this song: don't think this means i'm walking away. i won't let fear get the best of me. now it's up to me, i wouldn't change a thing. don't think this means i'm walking away. Does this song have any bad memories attached? NAH What genre is this? hardcore? fuck genres. Song #2: temporary by paramore What's the last line of this song? when repetition ends, we'll start over. we'll start over. Have you ever seen this artist live? yesm Who does this song make you think of? somewhere between a dance party, and one of my shit relationships Song #3: body like mind by ace enders and a million different people What's the first line of this song? story of my life is i got bones Where did you first hear this song? after the early nov broke up, i heard ace enders was goin solo (more or less) then, i heard his debut cd was available as a free download on fuse's website. that would be the first time i heard it. How about the first time you heard the artist? ace in general? FOREVER ago. early november
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  • [56] You Must Follow Your Heart

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on January 20, 2009
    college. shit, man. i feel like i might be stressing myself out over college more than i should be. but then again, its approaching at a ridiculous speed. i have a huge list of schools. my three top schools are all a bit problematic. 1. NYU - HA, i do not have the money to go here at all. plus, my grades are good, but idk if they're NYU good. every time i mention NYU to my mom she gives me this sad little look. then she says something about how its good for me to strive for it, but she doesn't want to disappoint me. i'm really self conscious about even telling people i want to apply here, because i honestly don't know if i could get in. ARGH. 2. Cleveland State University - ....ahem. eight hours is a LOOOOOONG drive. and i'm scared that i only want to go here because of the possibility that i could get to intern with AP magazine. it IS a really nice school, though. and really affordable, considering its a state school. 3. York - its the smallest problem of the three, but its still of concern to me. York is in the middle of nowhere. i already live in the most boring town in new jersey. which is precisely why im itching and driving myself insane to get out of here. i feel so fucking trapped here, and i don't want to find myself trapped up there. sure, every one i know of that goes there LOVES it. but idk. its still bothering me. my mom desperately wants me to stay instate. i REFUSE. the statistics of the NJ schools kill me - 98% instate, 2% out of state. it's almost depressing. i want to go somewhere where i'm the 2%. but then i'm scared that if i go too far, i'll lose touch with all of my friends. i'm scared that on winter break and spring break and summer break i won't have anyone to come home to. on the other hand, if i don't go far enough, i'll never meet anyone new. i'll never move on with my life. i wanna be able to branch out and experience something completely different. this is all such bullshit. i'm not even ready to APPLY to college, and its stressing me out beyond belief. THEFUCK.
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  • [55] Cause Tonight, Baby, We Just Don't Give A Fuck

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on January 12, 2009
    supsupsup, first post of 2009. i really don't have anything to talk about, but all's i know is - i'm doing this year different. fuck regret and keep on truckin' got the new(ish) ligeia cd. the teenage wasteland lyrics are perfect. its exactly how i'm living right now hahaha. oh! and i found the FIRST good charlotte cd at fye for $3.99! it came out in 2000, and i prob bought it in like '02. its so great. i can't describe it. its so entertaining. and it basically became my lifeeeeeee hahahaha soundtrack to almost every day of my life. AND I LOST IT! i was devestated. my friend lost hers too. so i've been looking for it for yeeeears. and i found it! for dirt cheap! yaaaaaaay! k stfu i'm embarassed bye (:
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  • [54] The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?....

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 24, 2008
    so i had the greatest night ever last night. no point in recounting it - the entire night was a big 'you had to be there' thing. but so far, this is turning into the worst christmas to date. my dads birthday is dec 21. i got him a shirt for his birthday, and this awesome 3 disc bob dylan greatest hits collection for christmas. my brother got him that SAME collection, but gave it to him on his birthday. and then refused to take me to get something else for my dad. i cant drive yet, and my parents work. i got him get the money back on my cd, but he wouldnt take me to get a new one. "its not his responsibility." so now im not giving my dad anything for christmas. not mention, my family always hates each other on christmas. and its practically amplified by 1000 this year. ugh, i dont wanna go to my uncles house. they all like my brother about a million times more than me. it makes for some awkward conversation. im leaving in like 15 minutes, and im not even close to being ready. merry christmas?
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  • [53] This Life Is But A Dream

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 21, 2008
    i really do love jason mraz. i have this wierd feeling about sleep lately. i feel like i never ever want to sleep, because i might miss something. something big might happen, and i'll be too busy sleeping when it does. wtf? idk. tonight i went to starland and saw a bunch of local bands. van atta high is getting pretty famous. amber is going to end up dating the lead singer. all of vah's superfans were not to happy with amber and steve being together all night. or their goodnight kiss. hahahahaha it was actually kinda funny. i have this big feeling in me i feel like things are going to get really good soon idk why, idk how and idk if im right no sunlight by death cab is so fucking good so is a lack of color and 405
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  • [52] Crazy Amanda Bunkface........ (;

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 17, 2008
    so my title has nothing to do with my entry hahahaha my survey made me do it. today was intense. well, a short moment of today was intense. its about an ex boyfriend - long story short - he had a scary serious drug problem and left me scared EVERY SINGLE DAY that i was gunna hear he OD'd. he came really, really close a bunch of times. in like october, he told me he was done. done with using. he wasn't touching ANYTHING anymore. it made me so happy, i literally almost cried. today, he came up to me in gym. he was odd. rocking back and forth, eyes kinda red and watery. him - "hey! guess where i'm gunna be for christmas!" me - "hmmm, i don't know, where?" him - "...rehab." he proceeded to tell me that he almost OD'd last night. he told me that some new girl he was seeing got him back to using. he told me she lied to him and kept telling him that they were gunna stop together. only every time they hung out, they'd use. she supplied. i've never seen him have a look like the one he had while he was telling me this. i almost cried, in the middle of gym class. and it looked like he almost did the same. i told him he scared me, and he always did. he told me he would let me know how he was, and keep me updated with what was happening. he told me he was really going to get help. he said he didn't have much choice anymore. it was scary. really, really scary. i mean, it was good because he's getting help. but it reminded me of how i told myself i would never feel ever again. genuinely terrified for his life. i hated that feeling. and for the first time in like 2 years, i felt it in the pit of my stomach. i really hope he gets straightened out. he needs to. but anyway. i have this playlist of pretty, pretty songs. and i'm listening to it now. so i'm gunna use it for this survey. What song best represents my personality? sleep tonight [stars] ...not really. What song will be played at my funeral? love is a fast song [copeland] most likely not Will I ever love somebody? if you're not the one [daniel bedingfield] ....aw Will I be successful in life? original sin [aeroplane, 1929] huh? Will I get married even if my love life is out of shape? the night will go as follows [the spill canvas] seriously, sweetest lyrics ever. someone please, PLEASE, say all of these things to me. Will anyone accept me for who I am? on your porch [the format] i love this song so much, but yeah it doesn't fit here. well, it sorta does - 'whats left to lose? youve done enough. and if you fail well then you fail but not to us. cause these last three years, i know they've been hard. but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun even if its alone' How will I die? maybe [secondhand serenade] oh no, that's not vague at all. Who will kill me? sweet darlin' [she and him] apparently not, seeing as they're gunna kill me. Will I be a murderer myself? you had me at hello [a day to remember] doesn't work. but god, i love this song (: How has my life been so far? this old wound [dashboard confessional] yeah, more or less What is my current obsession? don't call me peanut [bayside] why yes, i am quite obsessed with this song. and bayside in general What song best represents my friendship with others? halcyon daze [hidden in plain view] not at all What is my ideal holiday destination? the war [mêlée] NO THANKSSSS What is my sexuality? A [cartel] hahahahahahaha no, i am not asexual. Why are you taking yet another shuffle quiz? the night life [the starting line] hahaha, oh yeah this survey is one helluva party What's currently in your fridge? jersey girl [bruce springsteen!] ew, i would hope not. thats like some CSI shit. Your biggest nightmare? don't mind if i do [the boy judas] ....? What place would you like to visit? the garden [mirah] oh yay! i love when they make sense A reason to commit suicide? between the bars [chris garneau, elliott smith cover] oh hey creepy, elliott allegedly committed suicide. this song is so haunting. Why are we here? the longer i run [peter bradley adams] amazing amazing amazing amazing song. but it doesn't fit the question really Something you never dared to say to someone? take me with you [secondhand serenade] oh wow, that works really well One thing the world really doesn't need? a lack of color [death cab for cutie] so true What's your biggest unfulfilled wish? this isn't it [the boy judas] this works so fucking well. If you could invent something, what would it be? the sound of silence [simon & garfunkel] ooo, i like that idea The last thing you say before you die? make it happen [the early november] borderline epic What's your destiny? bridge over troubled water [simon and garfunkel] not really a destiny, but whatever. What do you do when you're alone in an elevator? dancing [elisa] very true Why do people go fishing? hearts and arrows [the minus scale] i don't think that's why people fish... What would you do with your slaves? we will erase all life on earth but us [say anything] hahahaha that weirdly fits in Is there a man on the moon? everything sometime [the boy judas] ...oh? What does Hell look like? stars [evergreen terrace, hum cover] well there's an interesting thought About what would you like to write a book? walking by [something corporate] that's doable The best thing ever is...? my body is a cage [arcade fire] yeah no, this song is not a good thing Why did the chicken cross the road? save us [cartel] soopurchikin comin to sayv us all? (....go on icanhascheezburger.com and you'll get it) Why do you listen to music? bring back love (year 2020) [ace enders and a million different people] well, that's why ace WRITES music. that counts i guess. What do you do when you're alone and nobody's watching? hard to say [the used] yeah, i guess this works Why are other people so stupid? some will seek forgiveness, others escape [underoath] soooo no explaination on the stupidity...? Last thing you ate? let it be me [ray lamontagne] hahaha only not Why is grass green? i told you so [ace enders and a million different people] apparently, i told you already Your phone is ringing, but who's on the other end? no sunlight [death cab] ...creepy What should you stop doing? caring is creepy [the shins] yeah, i probably should stop caring. A word of advice to the readers of this quiz? the kids don't stand a chance [vampire weekend] also true If your life was a movie, what would your soundtrack be? [for this, im switching back to all my songs. not just the playlist] Opening Credits: tonight's entertainment [stick to your guns] hell yeah, i'm feelin it Waking Up: people like you are why people like me exist [say anything] good soundtrack so far! First Day At School: single ladies [beyonce] HAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA, guilty as charged. Falling In Love: good will hunting by myself [ludo] oh nice. everyone wants a humorous breakup song to be the soundtrack of their love. Fight Song: tilting the hour glass [alesana] eh, kinda sorta maybe but not really... maybe when it gets to the part like 'no one else will fight! no one else will fight! so i must.' followed by a half decent-ish breakdown. haha i'm not that huge of a fan of alesana. Breaking Up: sowing season [brand new] idk if i would consider this a breakup song, but i guess it could work. love this song though
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  • [51] Someone Come And, Someone Come And Save My Life.... continued.

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 15, 2008
    ps, i really hate my username .....pps, for the first time in my life, just this moment, i understand why it makes sense for ps to mean post script.
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  • [51] Someone Come And, Someone Come And Save My Life

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 15, 2008
    seriously, dallas green is amazing. i never get sick of him, and his lyrics are always perfect. i really don't have anything about me to say, but i have... WHOA WAIT, WTF? WHERE'S ALL THE HANDY EDITING TOOLS THAT WERE I COULD USE ON MY JOURNAL LIKE LAST WEEK? lame. but anyway. as i was saying. i have some things i've found. and seen. idk, in the last few days i came across/rediscovered some major beauty. 1) this woman's work by kate bush. yeah, it's from 1989. yeah, i heard it for the first time the other day. yeah, its beautiful. times about 60. i have this ... eh, yeah - obsession with contemporary dance. i think it all stems from dance being the one thing i wasn't allowed to do growing up. i've played almost every sport, took music lessons, art lessons, and had about 4 million different, short lived hobbies. but the one thing i was never allowed to do was dance. and i never got over it. i still want to dance... but anyway. back to my point. i was watching these youtube videos from this one choreographer/dance studio/dance team that i really really love. no joke, her stuff has made me cry. so i come across one called "my life's work". the description of the video was how this particular choreographer has never been a part of something as beautiful as that dance. the girl who danced it was only fifteen, and she did it so much justice. it was this RIDICULOUSLY beautiful solo to "this woman's work". everything about it was perfect. ugh, i can't describe it. i really can't describe the feeling i had in my gut. so yeah, that's the first one. 2) the movie STAY. if you've never seen it, i HIGHLY recommend it. i think i saw it for the first time like three years ago, but i hadn't seen the whole thing. and i just remember being slightly disturbed, very intrigued, and extremely, extremely confused. but i forgot about it. then, maybe last year, i saw it again. the whole thing. and i was bllllownnnn awwwwaaaaay. i immediately bought it. yesterday morning, i watched it on a whim for the first time in months. once again, i found myself blown away. there's so many good lines in that movie. its such a dark twisted film, but there's so much hope in it. i would try to explain it, but by explaining what's going it, it would give away the ending. and if i were to explain it WITHOUT giving away the ending, it would kinda lead you in the wrong direction, therefore thoroughly confusing you when/if you ever watch the movie. which i recommend you do. but i wanna post some of the good quotes from the movie... "i burned myself. - you burned yourself? why? ...practicing for hell." "un suicide élégant est l'oeuvre d'art ultime." "if this is a dream, then the whole world is inside it." "bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art, because it documents human failure." "there's too much beauty to quit." "you know, the day i did it, i took two razorblades to the bathtub. you know why? because i knew that once i started to bleed, i'd get weak. and i didn't wanna drop one blade and leave myself half done. can you imagine that? can you imagine hating your life so much that you'd wanna bring a backup razor?" "tell me i'm good. - you're good. tell me they'll remember me. - who's they? the world... - is that what you want? -...the world will remember you." the movie is so clever and suspenseful and specttaaaaacular. i could go on for days analyzing it. if you've ever seen it, come discuss it with me. 3) chuck palahniuk i've definately mentioned him before. his is by far my favorite author. everything he writes is so relevant. his characters, which always narrate his story, consistently make these comments that are not only specific to the story, but are bold, general statements about society and people in general. everyone of the books i've read by him are filled with post-its and highlighter marks. pick up something by him. i suggest diary. or be legit and read fight club. his stories are always darkly hysterical. and cynical. and so so so so well written. i love his work. its really really amazing. he just makes such interesting points. i wanna have lunch with him. but i cant picture him as someone to sit down to a nice, civilized lunch. maybe we'll go vandalize something. 4) city and colour i kinda already talked about dallas green. aka city and colour. i was listening to sleeping sickness [hence my title]. it so does not hurt that gord downie from the tragically hip sings on that song with him. 5) said the whale
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  • [50] How Did We Get Here? I Used To Know You So Well

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 06, 2008

    so paramore's new song 'decode'
    is actually pretty good

    contrary to wednesday, tonight was a disaster.
    maybe the worst one i've ever had.

    ugh, it's going to be exhausting to recount.
    but basically, i went to a little local show for a few bands i've seen 100 times before in the basement of some church/preschool place
    usually, i adore these shows. the bands are good, everyone's having fun.
    but tonight was so so so so SO different.

    and it was all because of me and my head
    my fucking absurd irrational overanalyzing mind

    half way thru the show, i suddenly locked myself into my own mind
    sat in the corner, and almost cried
    didnt talk to anyone, didnt look at anyone

    it was fucking wierd, and really fucking scary
    i wouldnt leave where i was sitting

    i guess ill start to explain why i got like this by just retyping the texts i sent to amber
    she texted me after a little while of me being upset asking what was wrong

    "like evvvvverything /: i don't know. i feel like everything is falling apart. and i feel like i'm no oneeeee"

    "idk like im sitting here watching everyone have such a good time with each other. like everyone here knows people and everyones genuinely happy to be around each other. and im sitting here like 'why the fuck cant i feel that?' like i feel idk i cant describe it but lately whenever i go out to places like this or the mall i have like panic attacks and breakdowns."

    "i have no clue. i feel like im growing apart from so many people that mattered to me. and i feel like im completely incapable of making friends or holding a fucking conversation. and i feel ridiculous whenever i go out cuz i feel like everyone else in the room is 100x more attractive and 100x more interesting than me. and idk it just hurts to see everyone happy together because i feel like i never have that. i feel like im missing so much in my life. i dont know. like lately i DREAD going out in public places because i feel like im going to make a fool of myself"

    "its just always in the back of my mind and i dont know how to turn it off"

    on top of this, it doesnt help at all that im painfully jealous of amber.
    she's naturally really pretty
    she makes friends really easily
    she has 6milllion guys after her
    i can look in the mirror, and be like 
    'i look so freakin good today'
    but then i'll go out with amber and feel like her fucking goon of a friend
    social/physical/emotional/mental failure

    i may be more well known in school, but go with amber to a show or to the mall
    and its not hard to feel like nothing

    it hurt so much to watch her with everyone tonight.
    i cant explain it
    i want to have the friends she has.
    i want to engage people how she does
    i dont understand what she has that i dont
    but i cant seem to get people to stick around

    so while i was sulking/i dont know wtf i was doing
    amber and kayci [my other friend] and ambers/kaycis friends eric and mike slowly but surely moved away from me. i was sitting completely by myself, pathetically playing with my phone to make it look like i was talking to people. i wasnt. i was just trying not to scream or run or cry

    but then i couldnt take it
    so i left

    i went outside [unfortunately during the most amazing band, bears and bright lights. remind me to talk about them another day]
    it was about 15 minutes before amber realized i was gone
    i get a text -
    - "where are you!? o.o"
    - "i went outside. it was way too awkward lol"
    - "whyyy?"
    - "cuz idk, i wasnt talking to anyone anyway. then slowly one by one you guys moved to the other table [i was sitting on top of a table in the room, and they moved away from my table to the one next to it] and i got bored of pretending to text people so i went outside"
    - "i was sittin on the chair!"
    ....wtf, like that makes a difference? she had her back to me, and she was sitting about 6 feet away from me....
    - "i know. but besides you were having fun with your friends so i figured you wouldnt notice anywayyyy"
    - "well i did."
    ....yeah. when the band finished and you needed a ride home.
    fuck, idk.
    when i was outside i didnt know what the fuck to do.
    i couldnt even be alone out there.
    it was towards the end of the show, so a lot of people were chillin outside
    i stood against the wall of the building and tried not to panic
    i just wanted to be anywhere else in the world
    i was shaking so fucking hard, and i highly doubt that it was all from the cold
    idkidkidkidkidkidkidkIDK.
    i have just never felt so awful in my life
    i've never had to run away from my friends like that
    i cant even explain how i felt
    so fucking trapped
    panicky
    claustrophobic
    paranoid
    stressed
    distressed
    i wanted to scream
    cry
    run
    fight
    cut
    die

    idk.
    i have no idea what happened
    i have no idea what's happening now
    and im too scared to find out what will happen

    but my thoughts you can't decode
    how did we get here?
    i used to know you so well.

    i
    don't
    know.

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  • [49] You Don't Care A Bit

    by CurtneyIsASuperher0 on December 04, 2008
    so tonight was hilarious
    swim meet @ princeton, vs south brunswick
    im pretty sure the funnnniest pictures/jokes resulted from the meet/busride home

    but while i was looking at/peeing my pants over all the pictures from tonight on facebook,
    i saw that my old friend zac added new pictures

    it made me so sad

    me and amber used to hang out with these boys -
    zac, gerard, aleks, andrew, dan, sometimes derek, sometimes josh
    - almost every weekend

    and i honestly have never felt so at home with a group of kids
    they were the funniest people alive, and we all played off each other sooo wellll

    the perfect blend of flirting, and just being friends
    one minute, we were cuddling/flirting/holding hands
    the next, we were playing tackle football or having a burping contest
    or going swimming fully clothed or having a huge watergun fight
    or wrestling or playing air hockey/pool/guitar hero/rockband
    or watching futurama or going to a show

    everything was always fun and easy going
    i was 100% myself with them, and they didnt ask for anything more
    i would hang out with then in my pajamas or sweats - looking completely dude-ly
    and they couldnt possibly care any less

    basically, i loved them all

    basically, we havent seen them since summer
    and amber and i dont know why

    they dont call us anymore, and they either dont answer us when we call
    or they 'are out' 'already have plans' 'are grounded' 'have work'
    idk, its really saddening

    so i started looking through the pictures
    and i was laughing at the stupid ones that described then in a nutshell
    which only made me feel worse

    especially the ones with other girls

    its not a jealousy thing like you have with an ex
    it was just like.... /: that used to be me

    or even the ones of just the boys -
    laughing, talking in the picture, arms thrown around each other 
    - made me miss them. i used to fit right in between a.god and zac
    or right in aleks' lap. or with g-rad on my back. 
    laughing along with them

    i could literally go on for days about all the hilarious things they would do to/with me
    all the jokes we had, everything we did and said

    but it would just make me miss them more
    it already killlllls to begin with /:

    they were seriously some of the sweetest people ever
    nothing was ever awkward
    i mean, andrew would chill with me and amber alone even after he started dating his gf
    it was never a big deal

    im a sucker for camraderie, and thats what the were for me
    it was my crew! they were my booooyyys
    and now?

    now were strangers?
    i just dont get it

    i miss them so much
    idc if i sound like im bitching
    i miss my boys
    my best friends
    my support system
    my body guards
    my fucking family
    my all around favorite people on the planet
    and now?


    and now?
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