its been a while, and i have nothing to say saw slumdog finally fucking amazing the soundtrack is on my ipod as well :) new love interest at work so fucking sweet, so fucking cute whatever, yeah? spring break starts wednesday... well, weds is our last day of school then, spppprrrriing break so happy, you dont even know im getting fucked up everyday pzzzz me and my friends sarah + nicole were laughing the other day - high off our asses and sitting in a circle in the middle of the kitchen floor, surrounded by food, mind you - but we were talking about back in the day when we were like I WILL NEVER EVER SMOKE EVER AND I WILL ONLY DRINK ONCE IN A WHILE I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO NOTHING BUT SMOKE AND DRINK ITS SO GROSS blah blah blah i wanna meet myself from like 5 years ago, and tell her to grow the fuck up and watch her recoil in disgust and watch her face crumple in disappointment hahahahaha, fuck :) aaaaanyway, i have lacrosse everyday during break fuck me, right? everyones gunna be practicing/playing with a hangover, i cant wait ahahaha i had a dream that i was high and drunk off my ass and i was snuggling up to and hooking up with this kid i used to be friends with and then i saw said kid today at work and my first reaction was OH FUCK THATS SO AWKWARD WE HOOKED UP FUCKING HIDE ME and then i was like wait, wtf - it was a dream ahahahahaha, wow my birthday is in a monthish, yaayayayay driving! most of my friends drive, its fucking great "bye mom, me and sarah are going to our friend john's house" aka me and sarah are going to smoke til we cant even WALK and then drive around with our heads out the window doing 20 over on rt 9 ahahahahaha i've said fuck it to any morals i used to have, and i'm loving every second of it

well, right off the bat i'd have jessica rabbit. so i just found out asher roth is gunna be at bamboozle :D which has led me to posting the bands playing why, you ask? stfu, why not. DAY 1 - MAY 2ND main headliner - fall out boy [really? GTFO] second headliners - third eye blind [lmfao, not even kidding] the get up kids cobra starship [dance party on three - 1,2,3!] all time low metro station [fucking kill me, please] new found glory ASHER ROTH

so this past friday, i went to my first local show in monnnnths - since like december or something it was so worth it, holy shit it was one band we used to see all the time, 2 we've never seen, and one we discovered in december at the last show i seriously, seriously urge you to listen to the downtowns amber and i know the drummer, but we've never seen them play they are unreal a little folk, a little americana, a little rock blended til smooth and served chilled they were just so undeniably.... cool from their fancy boots and grandpa sweaters, all the way to the 40 of malt liquor and the bottle of jd they were drinking throughout their set there was this one point where the lead singer (francis?) broke a string on his guitar or something, and the rest of the band just played a crazy amazing instrumental while he fixed it... the guitar player is fucking incredible they lowered the house lights, [and by 'lowered the house lights', i mean someone flicked the light switch on the wall in the tiny little room we were in hahahaha], and put on these blue spotlights all around. the song itself was so fucking trippy i felt like i was under water swaying, back and forth in slow motion floating and spinning at the bottom of the ocean i don't think i blinked once, i was so fixated and intrigued at one point, the guitar player (chris?) played by scraping his strings back and forth against the mic stand ugh, they were so good check out the other bands too most def: rumbo tumbo the hot and heavy the riverwinds the riverwinds are the ones that we've seen about 60 times they even got to play bamboozle last year nicest dudes, they always thank us for coming out not to mention they're all painfully attractive they too are specccccctacular make ya wanna drink a beer and drive around with your friends, yelling and singing out the windows into the cool summer night air hell yes

flightless bird, american mouth by iron & wine things are going well in my life and have been for a while now and yet, only today did i realize how painfully, painfully alone i feel and have felt and am i saw him again that wonderful beautiful ex boyfriend i've spoke about before i wanted to hang around and get to talk to him but i had to leave that would happen he's still my one wish god, this fucking hole is making it hard to breathe

an eluardian instance - of montreal i found a bunch of things i wrote last year and before they were written on random pages of unused notebooks saved under ambiguous titles on my computer stuck in between papers and books on my book shelves mixed in with old math papers in old folders i think i'll put them up here starting with this: october 8, 2008 1254am have you ever closed your eyes to go to sleep, and seen the different shades of darkness? these different shades and patterns move around inside your eyelids they deepen and lighten, shrink and grow, twist, turn, slide, wiggle, flash, fade, morph and it's distracting and it makes you uneasy and panicked it's like an itch you can't scratch a peice of hair in the back of your throat sleep is no longer an option first priority is to stop. make everything stop moving STOP IT! SHUT UP! STOP DOING THAT! your brain is in overdrive. you want to claw at your eyes until they stop throwing a kalidescope in front of you a kalidescope of black you never realize how many degrees of nothing there really are all your life, you think there is nothing to see on the reverse side of your eyelids. and now... this. you toss and turn, now unable to even close your eyes, for the restlessness is too much to bear and it's scary. you're scared, because you don't understand. you're delerious from the sleep deprivation, and you're going completely insane. but after all the convincing that it's all in your head, and you're just tired - you're still scared. because if you can't find peace and stillness under the safety of sleep, behind the comfort of your own eyelids, then where can you?

http://www.punchrobert.com/videos/the-yes-dance/ holy lord, i am crying from laughing so hard right now tomorrow is going to be amazing the clique [i don't remember how it started, but it's what we call ourselves] is coming over my house tomorrow we're watching a walk to remember [the boys picked the movie, no joke] listening to each other [well, everyone who can play] play guitar and eating massive amounts of pizza gaaah, i love these people

i barely watch tv anymore. but i figured i'd tell you the shows that i DO watch. because they're the funniest shows on tv: the IT crowd - absolutely ridiculous and i love every second wilfred - he is a dog. only really, hes a drunk in a dog costume the whitest kids u'know - nope, i cant even describe it. ive been obsessed since day one flight of the conchords - ditto i haven't laughed this hard at tv since keenan and kel and the original all that.

moceanu - bayside, so good i decided i don't like punctuation that the end of a sentence but i like commas i could get in a whole discussion & dissection of that, but i won't so i've started to write down my dreams what i remember of them and i have a little notebook for them only i cant find a pen, so i'm writing my dream from last night here i forgot all about it til about 20 minutes ago and it was pretty much amazing so, i don't really remember the details but i remember that i was somewhere i didn't want to be it wasn't as simple as like 'i was in class', or 'i was with people i don't like' it was more like some strange unidentifiable place all i know is i felt threatened hurt scared etc, etc i remember feeling cramped panicky dirty i wish i could remember what was happening but it was cold outside - fucking freezing, actually snowing, i think so at some point, i got away from all the shittyness of this place and i ended up at a beach [it was still freezing out though] at this beach, greg [that boy i like] and corey were there [they're both part of my amazing crew i mention all the time] they were sitting by this... cove thing like a cave that was half underwater, almost like those cave things people have built into their pools or like the cave they go into to have sex in the movie 'teeth' but anyway, and corey and greg were so happy just happy in general smiling, laughing and they looked at me, still beaming and one of them said, 'don't think or say anything - just jump in the water' and i did and it was cold, but so fucking invigorating i felt 100% carefree so built up with happiness that i wanted to cry i never wanted to surface i just twisted and turned, danced and spun, feeling the cool crystal clear water all around me and i laughed, and smiled this happened like three different times i kept finding myself at this cove, and they would say the exact same thing every time - 'don't think or say anything - just jump in the water' - with these huge smiles on their faces not creepy, not sketchy just purely happy and warm and inviting and i wholeheartedly trusted them i can't even explain the explosion of emotion that erupted in me whenever i jumped in it was so beautiful and i want to know what it means though it seems sort of obvious it was just... refreshing this dream was a relief usually, my dreams revolve around me being panicked unprepared humiliated etc there's never any solution to it, though this dream had hope a solution a support system, as well and actually, it's the first dream i remember since i started hanging out with these kids maybe they really are making a difference in me i wish i could tell them only, maybe deep down, they already know i hope they do, at least

how to fix everything by bayside. i forgot how perfect it was. i really thought i was done. even in that entry from a few weeks ago, i didn't end up cutting. maybe i'll never really be done. once an addict, always an addict? shit. but fuck man, that first cut in a while felt goooooood fuck you dad, this ones for you.

oh look, i'm back too awake to sleep, too bored to do anything else INSTRUCTIONS 1. Put your music player on shuffle. 2. Press forward for each question. 3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? jaws theme swimming [brand new] say whaaaaa? WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? everything's too cold...but you're so hot [the early nov] haha, obv WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? sideways [rumbo tumbo] I LOVE RUMBO TUMBOOOOO! WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? motivation proclamation [gc] fuck me, none of these are making sense WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU? just for now [frou frou] ouuuuuch HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? i kissed a girl [katy perry] HAHAHAHAHAHHA HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? demonology and heartache [atreyu] whoa, haven't listened to this in forever. but wtf, that's not promising! WILL YOU GET MARRIED? scream out [the unseen] ....in happiness? good. WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? the importance of cocaine [dance gavin dance] hahaha these answers are hysterical ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? didi (my doe, part 2) [the matches] YESSS I LOVE THIS SONG. i think i should just ditch this survey, none of my answers work pz. WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE? the danger in starting a fire [a day to remember] ah, i was waiting for ma boyZ to make an appearance on this survey. but srsly, wtf none of these answer the questions; i guess "i will never falter, i'll stand my ground"? hahahaha hate my life WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? sticks, stones, and techno [all time low] FUCKING YES, PARRRRTY HAHAHAHA THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: who am i? [nfg] wait, so true tho YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: choice hops and bottled self esteem [bayside] it's about time they showed up! and i guess this works, lyrics wise. more for just what i am/was/can be; not really my best friend[s]. but i am obsessed with this band [which you probably already knew?], their lyrics are so relevant. WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? eulogy [saves the day] omg, i hope not!; but based on the lyrics, most likely. all my friends are going to college :( INCLUDING HIMMM WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? hello, i'm in delaware [city and colour] clever! if i tell people i'm in delaware, they won't bother me. thus making my life easier.....wtf i need sleep WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? travelin' thru [from american idol; jason castro] stfu, i love his voice/face/dreds. but i'd rather not consider myself 'just travelin' thru' on my wedding day. WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? cecilia [simon & garfunkel] i wouldn't mind having men beg on their hands and knees for me to come home. and write a song about me. but, i would never wanna cheat on paul simon or art garfunkel! jubilaaaaation! she loves me again! ...hahaha wait i find this song so funny. YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? our hell [emily haines] not really a saying...... HOW WILL I DIE? alice [two tongues] wtf! i don't even know her! what's her fucking motive!? THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE? young and aspiring [underoath] yesss, ending on a good note holy shit such good songs came up! oh, good thing it's 3 am. BYE.