Current Facebook status: "Melissa made cheesy scrambled eggs!! and now considers herself a skilled chef."

Possible alternative statuses: "Melissa...

wishes her best friend would apologise for hurting her."

gave up her social life today to attempt finishing Geography coursewok. And failed."

's brother should be happier right now because he deserves it above most people."

has shut herself off in the living room because her father is annoying the piss out of her."

dropped off last night thinking about the last time she fell asleep with Xavi, wishing it could happen again"

doesn't want to go to the Snowball for fear of having to see JH and the night being ruined thereafter."

fucking hates Trichatillomania."

wishes bad things only happened to bad people."

"Cause I'm walking down this road alone and it figures all I'm thinking about is you...Is you, my love. My head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away. And I'm just waiting for the droplets, the droplets."

Wow. So, life without a best friend's really difficult. I've heard what she's been saying about me from Nonie, Maria, Ed, Emma, Amelia, Rachel and Annie. Seven people at least that she's felt the need to bitch & moan about me to. I mean, I understand if she needs to vent some frustration - that's what all teenage girls seem to do - but fucking hell, there are a lot of less destructive methods that I can think about.

So for 9 months she's dead set against the fact that I've a boyfriend. Only negative things to say to me when I'm at my happiest. Suddenly along comes Julian; two weeks later she's seeing him almost every day and making us all uncomfortable with her inappropriate PDAs. She's complained about that as well - the fact that I want to spend time with Xavi when we're at parties. The times when people care the least about what other people are doing.

She told Julian the ONE thing I've told her in confidence in the last - what, 3 years? It wasn't even my own secret to keep. I know that ultimatey I am to blame, but really...The number of secrets I've kept for her in the past year, I thought I could at least trust her to care enough not to mention it to other people.

Shit, this isn't sorting itself out fast enough.

I saw Xavi for 40 effing minutes today - that's my quota for the next 7 days. We sat in the Close in the dark, facing the Cathedral, talking about jazzing up G chords and almost kissing Izzy (yeah, that was me this week...long, funny story). He rolled up his jumper sleeves to make his biceps look more impressive and I laughed at how squidgy it made him look. When his mum decided he had to catch the next bus in 15 minutes we sat in silence and tried to get enough of each other to last us the rest of the week. I miss him so much it's silly sometimes, and I can't articulate the horrible feeling I get sometimes at home, and I think about how much nicer it'd be if he was curled up next to me, and there's a horrible swelling in my throat that won't go away until he's told me he loves me or I manage to think about something in the past that's made me happy. It's only a temporary feeling.

 The maths calculator paper went well. I spent the whole 2 hours working. Nonie was in the row next to me and she looked upset. Emma's over the freaky 35-year-old man and is back to her usual dopey self. We spent the entire DT lesson today reading Cyanide & Happiness webcomics with Lolz reading them out loud in an Irish accent.

Life's good when I think about the good points. I've just a week to get through and I'll try to ease the difficulty by concentrating on exams and coursework and figuring out how to get all my friendships back on track again. I need to go to bed. (I love you so much (: xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx)

I haven't spoken to Andrew properley since Val and him broke up, so I decided to write him an email. It's terrible, but oh well. I've copied & pasted it. (Molly = my half-border terrier, half-shihtzu dog)

shmandarooooow!
seeings as I haven't spoken to you on the phone in approximately a thousand years, PLUS I am looking for an excuse to ditch my stupid schoolwork but avoid going downstairs (they're watching I'm A Celebrity...as much as I love that Star Trek bloke's voice I'm not really in the mood), I thought I'd write you a long, rambly, boring email! feel free to stop and start as much as you want, I won't blame you if you're already bored by this point.
   So! Update on this household. Molly has had a haircut and she's ACTUALLY LOST WEIGHT. She doesn't look like a chubba anymore! It's so sad. Laura's rediscovered Sims on her laptop and is looking forward to a visit to Keel (sp?) a la weekend. Mum is shockingly behind on her Christmas pressie shopping, but then again, so am I. I'm thinking I may just give out 'Free Melissa Hugs' to everyone this year. Sounds good, no? Dad...Dunno about Dad, I haven't seen him since he turfed me out of the car earlier than usual this morning at the station. He does seem to be on the right track music-wise though, he bought the new Killers album last week and actually seems genuinely interested in listening to it. That leads me to the all-important question: Are we human? Or are we dancer? I know that song's all about some Deep Hunter S. Thompson Quote, but really, it seems a little gramatically off to me. But then again, I'm a grammar Nazi (whoops, said the N-word) so maybe it doesn't matter much to anyone else.
   I am almost finished my first week of mock GCSEs...It's times like these that I absolutely loathe all the annoyingly clever people that surround me at school. Mum doesn't get it, but maybe you do because you've been in a school like mine before. I thought I did okay in geography and religious education, and then later found out everyone had written an average of 4 pages more than me. WHAT THE HELL? I guess I can't really talk because I've been spending at least half an hour of each exam with my head on the desk snoozing, but really, I'm just super fast at writing. Honest. Anyway, I've given up trying to revise trigonometry and have resigned myself to failing my mocks, on the grounds that I'll use my study leave more wisely this summer (HA, as if).
   Ooh, weird thing to tell ya. Well I think it's really weird anyway. So I keep this journal thing online, right? It sounds really weird, but it's honestly wayy easier & quicker to write in than an actual diary. Well the website I use has just introduced this new mailbox system thing, about a week ago, so users can send emails to each other and stuff. And since they did that, I've received three emails from people in America telling me how much they enjoy reading my journal. One of them even gave me advice on this problem I'm having with Xavi and Ruth, my best friend. How strange is that? People that don't even know me are interested in reading about my random thought-farts. Seriously, one entry included the questions along the lines "Do people in other countries have Marmite? And if they don't, what would they think of it?" no joke. Hmmm.
   Have I got any more news for you? I don't think so. Ooh, I'm dropping art GCSE soon, whoopee. It's way too much stress than it's worth. ALSO: Completely addicted to listening to music on YouTube. I've actually given up listening to my mp3 player, the only songs I listen to are from random amateur people who've recorded themselves singing in their bedrooms on their shitty webcams. One current obsession is this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVMMFqNvCxY   There's also this guy called Ali Americanos (ridiculouso name, I know) who's done an awesome cover of Be Good Or Be Gone by Fionn Regan in different rooms of his house.
   Bloody hell, how much have I written? I feel a bit silly now, everything written above ^^^^^^^^ is a pile of crap. I'm so bad at writing emails. Plus I wonder how many times I've referred to myself in this email?! Gosh, me me me. I'm so self-involved. IlovemeIlovemeIlovemeIlovemeIlovemeIlovemeIloveme. Okay I seem to be running out of inspiration, so I'm gonna bring this to an end. My bum aches like a bitch now.
   Miss you, brutha-from-anutha-mutha, hope I'll see you soon. Oh yeah we will - It's only Christmas innit! So I will deffopads see you soon. Don't feel obliged to reply to this email, it's absolutely terrible. Lots of love and hugs from all of us lot, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

sadly, not such a good day today. I had Emma on the phone earlier, sounding panicked and confused. her mother and her have some foreign guy staying with them, a lodger, a 35-year-old bloke who's earning money for his four children back home. Tonight, while her mum was out kickboxing, the guy started coming onto her, asking her repeatedly to kiss him. When she phoned me she was outside her house and wondering what to do next. She's now at a friend's house until her mum's home, and hopefully (after my advice) she'll tell her about it and get that creep out of their home.

Another bad thing. I seem to have lost my best friend again. I've heard from five different people (Nonie, Annie, Emma, Ed and Rachel) that she's been talking about me, how I'm too preoccupied to be her best friend anymore. I can't express how much that is utter bullshit. I'm so angry at her. I know I think about Xavi a lot - he's a big part of my life - but I have never put being his girlfriend in front of being her best friend. If anything, she's come first a lot more than he has in the past year. She also seems to have told Julian (her boyfriend of THREE fucking days) something very private about Xavi that she knew she wasn't meant to talk about to anyone, let alone someone at his school who will undoubtedly tell others. I feel so guilty for even thinking I could trust her enough in the first place to talk about it...I should've learned by now that anything she learns about a person that she considers 'juicy' will instantly be broadcast to anyone and everyone who will hear it, regardless of anybody's feelings. I don't want to see her tomorrow - I don't want to have to hear all her shitty excuses.

On a brighter note. I was in a slightly angry mood with Xavi last night. "You don't get in the way - everything else does. I'm sorry if I made you feel like that. I love you so much. You couldn't get in the way if you tried." Amongst other things. I fucking hate gambling on seeing him once a week.

" And I know it's easy to say
But it's harder to feel this way.
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you.
I know you're scared,
That I'll soon be over it.
That's part of it all,
Part of the beauty
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall."

Biology wasn't massively bad - I guessed a few answers (most likely incorrectly) but it wasn't as terrible as I expected (: German orals...Hmm. I feel like I should be negative about how it went today but, in some weird way, I actually enjoyed it. I kept skipping between English and German ("Weil sie..sehr bequem sind...Sorry, I've forgotten what to say...Whoops, es tut mir leid!") which is a massive no-no, but it was pretty funny. Only English Lit tomorrow which won't be too taxing - we're allowed to use our own anthologies with notes and annotations so it's pretty much a sure A or A*. Yaaayyyy for exams!

So. 2 exams down, about 9 more to go. I had maths non-calculator and D.T. today...Maths was insanely difficult, and D.T. I managed to fit a half-hour nap into. Biology and German orals tomorrow, I'm not massively fussed at those as I managed an A and a B in each during the end-of-year exams this summer.

Christmas present ideas (stolen off Laura) - stockings. I'm going to fill one for Xavi with bracelets and chocolate and possibly a CD and a general mix of cute little things. Hey, it's all the ideas I've got right now. I may also do the same for Beth and Ruth...Not sure. I'm so broke at the moment it's silly. I can't afford Christmas this year ):

ADVENT CALENDARS, though! My first one in about 5 years!! I got one this year because Xavi bought one for Laura for her birthday and Mum would've felt mean if I didn't have one too. I love feeling like a little kid again. I also love those Coca Cola adverts..."Holidays are coming...holidays are coming..." with the lit up lorry and stuff. They're what makes Christmas real, I tell you :D