oh, and I have to add a bit about my outfit last night. I went as Peter Pan (: Jazz & I went into town after school on Friday, and found a kaftan in some charity shop for a fiver. It's from Monsoon, perfect colour, perfect size, everything. I was so chuffed, LOL. After Jazz went to get her bus I bought two rectangles of green felt and a red feather, totalling up to a whopping SIXTY PENCE [about a dollar 20. ignoring inflation & shit]. Bargainnn. So that evening I sat in front of Children In Need with the parents, laughed at Terry Wogan's attempt at ballroom dancing, and whipped up a little Pan hat. Add in some pixie boots, a brown leather belt and mini Tinkerbell on my shoulder and voila, a female Peter Pan. Only bad thing - I lost the hat last night :(. My outfit still ruled though.

 Bill went as Captain Underpants - he caught the train in nothing but a pair of Y-fronts, trainers and a red cape. It was HILARIOUS.

Ollie was Knuckles (aka. that Sonic character) - all red, with white gloves. He straightened his (usually mega curly) hair and dyed it red, it looked pretty awesome.

Annie went as 'Brain' from Pinkie & the Brain. I don't even know what she was wearing...it looked like an all-in-one body suit used by someone who manages contaminated areas. And mouse ears. It's the first fancy dress outfit so far that HASN'T included a nappy - last time she went as the baby from the Incredibles, and the time before that just a baby with an adult-sized nappy and bib. How I love that girl.

I have to admit, a group of the jocks from Bishops that usually annoy the piss out of me looked great in their costumes. They were all wearing white hats & leggings, with the body parts on show painted completely blue. And they moved around in 'packs' all night. HAH at Smurfs.

And that's the end of ramble #2 for the day. 

Last night was probably the worst party in the history of...a long time. Ish. It ended up with all the guys trying to be hardass and run from the (imaginary) police, Xavi dragging me along a country road in the pitch black, having to climb over a fence to get onto the station platform whilst still drunk.

 Nobody was happy, I swear. Gavin was down/pretty much bipolar because he was messed up about talking to Mamphy about the fact that he has feelings for her. Ed was miserable because Ruth was completely blanking him and had surgically attatched herself to some guy named Julian that she's never heard of before and will probably never give a flying shit about. I was unhappy because, in between cheering up Ed & giving Gav advice & sneaking odd moments with Xavi, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with only a handful of people I actually like, and the rest being preppy twats that I just wanted to sock in the head for being...Argh, I don't know. Just for being irritating.

On a more positive note; The 'before' and 'after' parts were fun, though, at Emma's house both times. Beforehand Emma, Gavin, Ollie, Ruth, Billy, Xavi, Truckle and I just lounged around, creating manpiles and trying to figure out how to play bass guitar. Afterwards Emma, Xavi and I hung out in her kitchen eating Rice Krispies from the packet and plain bagels, just talking. It wasn't all bad. I think I can safely say that, in my opinion and only most of the time, I have some pretty great friends. Even if they are messed up and moody and alcoholic and unable to control their bodily gases while in public. (:

Today I've been forced to ask myself; What is wrong with the world if I can't even talk to my best friend about a problem as (seemingly) small as this one?

Admittedly, Ruth and I haven't been as great over the past few weeks as we usually are. She isn't all that keen on Xavi & I being so...together. She isn't without good reason - she never really got over what he did to me with Jess. The only thing is, Ruth is the only person I'm completely comfortable with while talking about my boyfriend's and my relationship. She doesn't judge, she doesn't tell me I'm strange, she just listens and cracks the odd hilarious joke. I do my fair share of listening, too, hearing about her long-standing feelings for Fred, trying not to interject with anything that would upset her. Up until recently, it's been a perfect balance.

But now? I find out from her that the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with still fancies him like hell. If you've never experienced that realisation before, I don't reccommend it. It's not fun. And just when I really really need a friend, suddenly all she can talk about is how I can't tell him I know because it'll make her fall out with Amelia. Amelia, the girl she only seems to be friends with because they are both in love with telling other peoples' secrets. She even had the nerve to comment how "friends are supposed to be for life, and last time I checked boyfriends aren't." Any guesses for the cherry on t of the shitcake that was that statement? "And to be honest, right now I'm more concerned about my friendship with Amelia."

I had so many words swirling about in my mind, things to write that can articulate how I'm feeling about this current situation with my best friend. Now, remembering that last speech she made, the words have disappeared altogether. I'm speechless. I don't understand how it is that she can think that way about what's going on right now. Now I'm just stuttering, trying to find things to fill in the gaps that are my feelings.

I can't. I just can't. What will I say to her tomorrow? How will she be feeling about me? The last things I said to her were, "I give up. I'll see you tomorrow." I didn't mean it in a stroppy way - I honestly didn't have the willpower to carry on listening to what she was saying. I don't think I've ever ranted about anyone other than Xavi for so long...It's weird. I guess it's good that I'm thinking about someone other than him.

I just wish it was for a different reason.

It's beyond me how, in the space of about 2 weeks, we've gone from perfect and in love to awkward and unsure. Not that I don't still love him, of course. And I know that right now I'm not being as friendly towards him as I usually am - but that's only because I'm hurt that he hasn't been attentive in the slightest lately. I hope he comes to Laura's next week. I hope so bad. I don't know why I'm looking forward to that so much. I hope he comes on Saturday too, obviously. God, I'm too dependant on my boyfriend. And the thing is...nobody realises it, because I'm so effing sociable and cheerful. Ruth is the only person that's noticed how my moods reflect how things are between Xavi and I.

 I'm bored of this subject now. Jazz brought a pack of fairy cakes complete with squeezy icing in today, we had a lot of fun with the sprinkles.Izzy & I spent out revision period in Physics doodling on 'I love...' sheets for each other, inspired by Yves Saint Laurent's original in the 60's. Floz invited me to Gogol Bordello in a few weeks, but I'm broke and gutted because they'd be SO much fun to see live. I'm making the playlist for Laura's 18th, and my GOODNESS there's way too much shite on there. I've snuck in some Reef and Blink 182, nobody'll notice :D. 

/end of pointless Thursday-night ramble

We'll hit the strip tonight
Your eyes are burning so bright
Can't you feel the blood rush, baby?
Tied up too tight...

Today is my first sick day at home in what feels like a long time. I slept from 9 o'clock esterday evening to about half 11 this morning, with a shower in between. I haven't actually felt shite at all - I just didn't want to face another bout of sickening, dizzying stomach cramps like I did yesterday during D.T. Honestly, being female can be the biggest drag for a week every month. IHATEIT.

Anyway. I've watched a helluva lot of the O.C, learnt the intro to 'I'd rather be with you' by Joshua Radin (did I mention how much I am absolutely in LOVE with that album? Vegetable Car and They Bring Me to You ... just ... overtake the last album by miles. Really.) and eaten wayy too much for a healthy person, let alone a 'sick' one. Life's fairly good.

 Polly & Flo are having a party on Saturday - fancy dress, and the theme is cartoon characters. I admit I can be slightly orgininal sometimes; but not when it comes to outfits. I have NO IDEA what to dress as. Emma's going as Danger Mouse, Ruth's going to be Sonic and Flo has a Snow White dress. What the hell do I do? I have no money, no ideas, no sewing skills. AARGH. I guess I should just consider my options, instead of ranting on here. 

I'll go and do something constructive.

Jamie T. - Back in the game

(I forgot how much Jamie T rules. I saw him for my 14th birthday last year with Lolz - major fun. He's a legend. I don't know what Americans would think of his utter English-urchin-yelling style, but mmm. Give him a try, if you're reading this :D)

my head is bursting with happy thoughts right now. I've just had the most normal, but loveliest weekend in a while. I can't write down all the little things that've made the last two days so lovely, because there are too many. trying to beat Joss at GameCube. falling asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, only to have Xavi wander in a few minutes later in his boxers to give me a towel and a third kiss goodnight. playing 'I have never' with Heatherand Sam for about two hours longer than was originally intended. being told I'm beautiful. watching Xavi stumble out of his living room semi-squealing on the verge of climaxing but holding back because he "didn't want to get my hand wet". listening to him play The Last Post on trumpet this morning at the memorial service. playing cards with his family and failing miserably. showering in his bathroom and using his heavenly smelling shampoo. "you know what I was just thinking? i love you too." basically everything to do with Xavi, like it always is. I don't care. I miss him now. but in the best, "i'm-used-to-spending-my-idle-hours-with-you-now" kinda way (:

the rest of my life can't compare to this night.
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you..

so, I guess things do work out...ish.

"how I love family rows..."

"how I love you. (:"

 i'm waking up to see the sun.

it's a light that lets me know a new day's begun,

I can leave behind

the terrors of my unconscious mind -

Into the sunshine...

copied from Microsoft Word, LOLZ.

So, songmeanings is down and writing in this journal is the only thing I really want to do right now. Apart from to have things go back to the way they were last week with Xavi, but that’s not the point. And pretty much impossible. While he’s off at his second gig in three days with a group of people I guess I could call my friends, I’m left wondering if his ‘smitten’ thing was just a lovely phase. It’s felt a lot like The Old Days since Thursday, and JESUS do I hate it so much. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He doesn’t bother texting back for hours at a time. He doesn’t miss me. He doesn’t tell me things that make me smile. I’m left with my imagination and a whole lot of memories to entertain myself. He’s “properly grounded” from tomorrow, apparently. No ‘I want to see you’s, no mention of the whole ‘You’re still allowed over to my house’ thing. Needless to say, that never happened and probably never will. I know I’m ranting by now but my eyelids are prickling and I can’t tell whether it’s because of anger or sadness. Maybe it’s from nostalgia – now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to be loved in return, it’s a lot harder to live with the alternative. I miss him so, so much. I miss his REAL smile, not the forced one I kept seeing in London. I want to feel like we’re an actual couple again, I want to feel like it isn’t just me. Maybe it IS just me. I know I overanalyse things a lot – am I being oversensitive and too quick to judge? I fucking hope so. I’m going to go watch the 6th episode of the O.C. in a row this evening.