Fred's dad's old house is sad, man. We went there yesterday; Patch, Fred, Emma, Rob, Xavi and I. The whole house is exactly how Mr. Howarth left it before he died - even the notes on the whiteboard in the kitchen. I don't know why Fred wanted to let us into the house, if it had been me I wouldn't've been able to stand it. Anyway, I guess it wasn't the same for him. We played darts and strip games and I drank orange juice from a miniature teacup. Xavi bought me a packet of Magic Stars, I hung out with Ollie a lot and Gav seems to be talking to me again. Ruth & her new 'lot' went camping last night (I passed because it's just too damn cold), and I get the feeling they had fun. As much as I may complain about her incessant 'Julian' talk, I'm very glad she found him. We're going out for lunch in a minute, just Mum, Dad, Laura & I for once. Let's hope it snows tonight and I get to stay home tomorrow. (:

It's been a limp kind of day. I don't get those much, this is new to me. I've no desire to smile, or to laugh, or to listen to cute songs and interpret the lyrics so I'll fall asleep smiling. I've read my way through a book about a teenage cancer patient falling apart, I've rested my head on my arms in English & fallen asleep, I've appreciated my mother's concern. There's just no life in me whatsoever, and I feel uncomfortable, because this never happens. I'm usually the one constantly chatting because I'm afraid of uncomfortable silences and feeling people's negativity. It's weird, because I'm not actually very sad. Or angry. Or lethargic. I'm just...Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. The muscles in my face aren't awake enough to smile, I don't feel like eating anything, for once I don't give a crap whether I speak to Xavi tonight. Well, not much of a crap. It's not going to happen in the end anyway, because I'm going to bed now.

I don't want to talk about it to anyone except Ruth. It was exactly how I imagined it to be - only without the actual sex. That won't make any sense but it did to me. There'll be other opportunities, and besides, he looks cute naked. Now we both know what we want, hopefully it'll be easier next time. We weren't expecting it to be perfect, I told him that, and that he shouldn't apologise. I fell in love all over again this morning, when he smiled at me nose-to-nose and for some reason it had an overwhelming effect on me and I thought the floor was going to fall out from beneath us. ...I've missed you too.

OhShit. Now I know I'm not the only one thinking about it, it's all suddenly become real. I have NO IDEA how to prepare for this...Emma was surprised at how casual and unaffected I was feeling about this, and now it's all flared up. Maybe it won't actally happen - maybe we'll chicken out at the last minute as we have been known to do. But then again, maybe we won't. And he'll have to see me and feel me with nothing in between and I'll be completely bare with nowhere to hide. I'll be the most vulnerable I've been in a long time. But think about it. It won't be great, but it'll be HIM, and that's all I need to know to spur me on. It was always going to happen with him, I think I've known that for a long while now. I'll be safe. Oh God, I have to remember that. I need to stop babbling! Okay, I'll just go and eat dinner and find out how his day was and calm down about everything. I'm so bloody neurotic...

I just broke my first guitar string! Gosh, take a while - I've been playing for a year now. I feel like I've lost my musical virginity or something, like I've suddenly become accepted into the world of 'Those Who Fiddle With Their Instruments So Much They End Up Smashing Them Up'. Ohdear. This second's worth waiting a lifetime for Please don't stop, or take me back My heartbeat slows and stops for you And I don't want resuscitation now. He sent me the lyrics to the verses that he'd written today, but I closed MSN without saving them. Laaaame. I don't know why I haven't been writing in this at all lately. It's not that I've been especially busy - far from it, I just don't seem to be feeling the need to write down my thoughts & shit. Maybe it's just a phase, and I'll get back into a 'writing' frame of mind soon. One thing, though: I joined the gym! Huzzah!!! And I went for a mile jog with mum earlier, in the dark because we both felt too self conscious of our wobbly bits, har har. I coped well, except I now have a muscle in my arse that won't stop annoying me. It just ACHES. I swear the bottom isn't even that involved in running anyway?! I suppose my aching muscles beg to differ. I'm so excited about many, many things at the moment. Let me take a second to list them all and bask in their glory... Feb 14th - Valentines Day! Not that I don't hate the vomit-inducing holiday but hey, it's the first year I'm not alone... Feb 22nd - Seeing Snow Patrol! Shame I love 'Eyes Open' but can't stand their new album. Feb 28th/Mar 1st - Xavi and my year anniversary. He asked me out on February 29th last year, so technically we won't be having an anniversary for another 3 years but SSSSHHH. Mar 22nd - Joshua Radin avec Kim et Xavi et Maman. April Easter Holidays - Ski Trip! In America! Ben & Jerry's shop! Shopping in Boston all day! SNOW! June/July - 8 week summer holiday as opposed to the usual 6 weeks because of - joy of joys - end of GCSES. July/August - Cornwall for a week? Possibly? If dad manages to convince mum to fold. Mmm it's nice to have things to look forward to.

God, I can't wait until summer. I know this isn't going to happen, but let me dream about it anyway. We're within walking distance of the beach. All of our tents facing each other, a little lantern marking the centre. Camping seats set up around the clearing with a windbreaker shielding us from the outside world. Fairy lights strung up everywhere. Everyone sitting around laughing, playing games, drinking beer, getting ready to go down to the beach...Whatever the hell we feel like basically. Retiring to bed whenever we want. Waking up every morning with Xavi wrapped around me and not having to feel guilty about it. Wandering around barefoot with a bikini top & long skirt with my hair curly from the saltwater, making breakfast for everyone, pondering what we want to get up to that day. Looking after ourselves for once - no GCSEs to think about, 10 weeks of summer holiday stretching ahead of us and, hopefully, the occasional spot of *gasp* ...Sun. Man I'm excited. We HAVE to sort something out. Even if it kills me, I WILL go camping for a week this summer. D:

[amorous] Strongly attracted or disposed to love, especially sexual love. Indicative of love or sexual desire: an amorous glance. Of or associated with love: an amorous poem. Being in love; enamored: He had been amorous of her since the day they met.

Evenings like this are the worst. I have absolutely no control over my feelings. Mum sparked me off & I freaked out & I have no idea why I started crying. Now, every time I think about the slightest thing my eyes start pricking. Xavi isn't there because he's holed up in his house for his fucking mock exams and has made me fall asleep unhappy for the last 2 evenings - and it's been me who apologises the next morning because he's such a shitting expert at guilt trips. It doesn't help that I'm listening to the second-most depressing album in the world (Only By The Night by KOL, the most depressing is whatever crap Glasvegas shat together for their album). I know it's because it's "That Time Of The Month Again!" and there's no way of helping that except going to bed and shoving my head under the covers until I eventually drift off into that fucking fantastic state of unconsciousness. I guess that's what I'll go do now.

Season 8 of Scrubs is disappointing. Courtney Cox remains, and always will remain, Monica Gellar/Bing - how can she pass for Sacred Heart's Chief of Medicine in a million years?! Maybe I just typecast actors. Turk has suddenly turned into 'no nonsense Chris', JD has attempted to grow a beard, and Dr Cox did not rant at any point in the SLIGHTEST. I 'pffed' once, in a that-was-almost-funny kind of way, but that was the closest I came to laughing. Aaaah well, there's always Gavin & Stacey. Anyone outside the UK, go and watch that, it's so frickin weird. I love Wales (:

I swear, by my own fault I should be fat. I'm on a downwards spiral and, for some reason, I don't really care - and for that reason it's getting worse. A mug of hot chocolate here, a packet of crisps there, a couple of biscuits instead of dessert. I know I always complain about skinny people who eat loads having massively high metabolisms, but I guess I do too. Even though I eat like a fucking unhealthy horse, I'm still a size 10-12 (UK). I have no willpower whatsoever. I have no enthusiasm for exercise because I can't stand the feeling of being out of breath. I told myself I'd join a gym for New Year but, chances are, it won't happen. I did gymnastics 4 hours a week for 8 years, stopped 2 years ago and have barely missed it since. I used to enjoy the shuttle runs and hourly conditioning sessions every week, I used to follow conditioning sheets at home without realising how fit I was at the time. Now...I've just lost the will. I'm a lazy fuck and I want to find some determination, to strive to acheive SOMETHING. I've got to make myself want this. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU LAZY TURD. Has this helped in the slightest, or am I just ranting? Maybe the fact that it's playing on my mind & making me so bothered is a good thing. It can be the start of something. Maybe I'll force myself to join the gym with Nonie and go at least 1-2 times a week. Find some motivation, I'm 15 for fuck's sake, I should be full of oomph. Damn this constant state of lethargy...